So the movie starts in 1913 Addytown, Pennsylvania. I’ll admit I know very little about Pennsylvania aside from what Billy Joel taught me that it had a big coal mining thing going on in Allentown and they sell Paper in Scranton. So we see the Carlton mine. Inside the miners are dozens of white kids. WHAT? Look I am sure child labor was popular but to have an entire mine operated by kids that is really odd. I’m sure not EVERY adult man of every nationality was at World War I so that is a lame excuse.
The one adult there says he needs a small one. He spies a girl named Mary. So he gives her some dynamite to take down a tunnel. Then the boss man calls down the hole to blast it? What? So they blow up the tunnel killing all the kids. Wow. Way to go Boss Carlton. You not only destroyed your entire mine but you killed your workforce pointlessly. I am not kidding. There is no reason whatsoever for them to blow up the tunnel.
Cut to present day. We have a three girls moving to their new house. Mother Karen, her teen daughter Sarah, and Emma her little girl. Sarah is played by Scout Taylor-Compton, the new Laurie Strode for Rob Zombie’s “Halloween”. Emma is played by Chloe Moretz, the brat that was Abby in “Let Me In” and was Hit Girl in “Kick Ass” except playing her EXACT same character from that shitty remake of “The Amityville Horror”.
Sarah mentions that the woods looks like “Sleepy Hollow” I hate when bad movies reminds you of good movies you could be watching. As they drive they almost hit a guy. They come up to the dilapidated house. This makes little sense to me. The house as you soon discover has no water due to failing pipes. There is blood on the door and it is found unlocked. There is a massive failing in the electricity for this house. It’s clearly invested with rats. The old kid’s mattresses are still there and they look like someone was rolled in coal dust and murdered there.
At this point I am with Sarah. What the hell Mom? She tells everyone that because her husband died off an unknown disease and their money was all used up all they had was the inherited house. This story is bullshit of course as you’ll find out later. Plus, why in the hell would you move your family into the middle of nowhere after a tragic experience so you could go on not working. Sell the dump for whatever it was worth and move to cheaper digs once you start working. That house is clearly not fit to live in and would have never made inspection.
Karen, however, is an idiot who thinks after a day they can clean this hell hole. So they sleep in this thing. For real? Does she even realize it’ll cost more money to upkeep and fix this place to make it remotely livable? At least the Amityville Horror house looked nice. Christ and that one had a few murders take place there.
So a plumber is fixing the pipes and Karen is bitching about the lack of phone service or cell service. Of course they don’t. Emma hears voices. Just like her character in “Amityville Horror” and she makes an invisible ghost friend. Though this time it’s Mary instead of Jodie as a dead character. Emma wanders into the woods. Karen goes to look for her. When she finds her she scolds her but not enough to matter apparently. They are now so lost in the woods they will find the lost city of gold before they find their way home they way they wander like idiots.
Sarah meets a couple of teenagers around her age, and mentions to them that she lives up in the hills, and one replies "Up where the zombies are?" Normally this would make any girl NOT want to hang out with you. But Sarah can really use some friends. The plumber meanwhile is driving home when he almost hits a kid he swerves to miss and hits a tree. Considering this accident he gets out alright but the kids kill him with mining implements.
Karen and Emma find a house. Turns out it’s owned by a fellow by the name of Hanks. He looks like Napoleon Dynamite’s Uncle Rico. He tells them how to get back on the road and says he’s been putting blood on their door. “No need to thank me.” I’ll admit Karen is taking this really well but considering her day I’ll be she wants to get home and get a few pints in her as soon as possible. They make it home and at the dinner table Sarah mentions the zombie comment. Emma asks “Mom, what’s a zombie?” Oh Emma, the stories I could tell you.
|Kill the humans! Step in time! Kill the humans! Step in Time!|
Karen hears a commotion and goes to the Carlton home. There his rich man car and camper and parked next to the dead pig. She walks inside the home only to be shocked when he is behind her. He is turning all the land into a ski resort. She asks if he wants to buy but he says he already owns it. Huh? What she has is a miner’s lease not a not a real deed. You’d think someone would have mentioned this stuff at the will reading. So the zombie kids kill one of the guys in the Carlton camper.
Then for whatever reason they attack the teens. Sarah barely escapes and makes it back home. They are about to leave the hell hole house but Emma has left here bed and likely gone into the woods. Luckily it’s the most backlit and foggy woods since that remake I watched of “The Blob” so they should be able to see where they are going. They find themselves surrounded by zombies so they haul ass to the road where they meet up with Carlton and another guy. They happen to have guns which do nothing to the zombies. They make it back to Hanks place. Sarah asks “We’re all going to die. Aren’t we?” Hanks says “Depends on how riled up you got them” interesting so if the zombies get a sugar high they get kill crazy I guess.
|This is how "Oliver" should have ended really.|
They start breaking into the house like “Night of the Living Dead”. They hide in the barn. Carlton goes to the loft saying he’ll kill anyone who follows him. The kids break in. Hanks disarms and says they are after Carlton and that if they let him have him they should be alright. “As you sow so shall you reap.” What did the plumber and the teens do to deserve getting killed then asshole? After they kill and eat Carlton Emma is found outside with the kids standing next to Mary. “I was playing with Mary. She hasn’t had anyone to play with in a very long time.” The zombies told her they won’t harm them anymore.
Next we find out they didn’t sell the house. Karen is now looking for a job. She says Hanks is tying up some loose ends. Which makes it sound like the ark is being looked at by top men….top men. Hanks is walking away after doing I don’t know what. Mary now lives in the house, with the Teddy bear that Emma gave her. That’s it. What a lame movie. It’s totally unoriginal and pointless. I had to watch something good to get that taste out of my mouth after words. In case you are wondering a silent classic called “Metropolis” That is worth seeing. Not my favorite silent movie but still visually amazing.