I’ll admit it. I watched this because Robert Englund is damn funny. I mean the guy knows he is type cast by now but he seems to know what side his bread is buttered on so he at least toasts it with a shit-eating-grin the whole time. So our story is a 2005 movie partially produced by Eli Roth. That makes me laugh a bit too. Honestly, I think he’s gotten better over time. When you see stuff like “The Last Exorcism” it really put his gore garbage and torture porn in its place.
Anyway we see a montage of civil war images. This leads to a college classroom taught by awesome character actor Peter Stormare (“Vee believe in nothing Lebowski”) three tools are in the class room acting up and making the students laugh. He takes them aside and tells them they need to re-write their papers on the American Civil war or they will be expelled. Who wrote this? No college professor talks like this. If your paper sucks their TA grades it and you move on or continue to suck and drop the class at the last minute to spare your GPA. The three tools decide to go on a road trip to Daytona.
As they drive in their open top convertible they hit an armadillo which sprays way too much gore into the window. Eli Roth pops up with Dr. Mambo his Dog. Some of you might also be sad movie nuts enough to recall this was his same character from “Cabin Fever”. Don’t worry they ditch him on the road though. So they stop at a gas station where a gas station attendant says they’ll be pushing up daisies by midnight. You’d think that this would matter or they would add this guy in some part of the story. Nope, this is the last we see of this inbred weirdo.
At the station we also meet another group of folks who seem to be headed in the same direction. Two sexy girls and a guy who might as well have “kill me” tattooed on their foreheads. So the three tools drive further until they realize they are lost. They see a detour sign that is clearly pained by one of the little rascals complete with a backwards e. As they pull up to the town of Pleasant Valley (population 2001) they are greeted by the whole town including Mayor George W. Buckman, played by Englund. He is dressed in his Colonel Sanders best complete with a confederate flag eye patch. Oh lord.
The town is holding a “Guts and Glory Jubilee.” Suddenly another car arrives. It’s the other folks from the gas station. Then a biker couple approaches. An African American guy and his Asian American girlfriend step off the bike. Frankly, as that couple I’d have pulled a U-turn the second I saw all the confederate flags. “A Negro and a Chinaman!” The Mayor proclaims. Yep, this will go well for them.
They all find they town full of colorful rednecks. However, the booze flows and the women are easy so everyone is more than willing to stay with these stereotypes. One of the girls hooks up with the ass that played Deputy Winston in “Cabin Fever” she thinks he is being kinky but he ends up drawing and quartering her. Another dummy decides to try some special moonshine from a girl but OH NO! It’s really acid. They begin to think something is up. Turns out they are also cooking the bodies. So it’s like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" only not good.
One guy gets run through the ass with a spear. The Asian American Girl is crushed with a bell and the African American is crushed with millstone. Oh yeah and one tool gets his junk gnawed off by a girl with shark dentures. Two remain. They show that they are serving them as food by serving their heads on platters. Really, that is lazy cannibalism. They are serving uncooked heads on platters. So the tool boy rescues the girl and they make an escape on the biker’s motorcycle. They run to the police station to tell them what happened.
As a group they all drive back. Only to discover Pleasant Valley was a graveyard the whole time. Apparently the town was all Confederates trying to get vengeance for the Yankees that killed them so they needed 2001 bodies as an eye for an eye or some crap. The two losers get back on their bike they fail to see the barbwire fence one of the ghosts ghouls set up. It decapitates them and their heads are taken by a wandering little idiot back to the spirit world.
What the hell did I just watch? It felt like a joke. There is no reason to have this type of garbage thrown together. It’s just another movie that thrives on urban paranoia. But to literally have ghouls running around singing the south will rise again. WOW! This movie sucks. Even if you are just looking for a so bad it’s good movie just give it a miss.
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