I found this little gem on fearnet.com. It’s from 2008 with only one big name behind it, Russell Ferrier. What? You don’t know who that is. I guess you didn’t see “MVP: Most Valuable Primate” or “Death Race” then. But what sane person would see either of those? This movie stars basically nobody and has some incredibly cheap CGI.
In fact the start of this turd starts with a cut of a steeple on a church. A subtitle tells us this is 1871 Haborford. The entire church is clearly CGI. Some cloaked figures that appear to be the wraiths of “Lord of the Rings” drag a man out in chains and attach him to a metal stake during a rain storm. One of their rings shows a cross. Ok, clearly this is wraith about to do the lord’s work. The stake is blasted by 1.21 giggawatts of electricity and the man in chains sprouts tentacles. One of the wraiths uses a clamp to wrestle the demon loose and we jump cut.
150 years later a still CGI steeple leads to a real church which has been in a fire. One of the fire men is digging through the rubble. When finds a hole into the church floor and falls face first onto it. For a bit it looks like he is making love to the ground. But he gets up and starts making sounds like he shit his pants. Cut to Scott, the town bad boy fresh out of his 8 month stint in prison. He rides his motor cycles around looking about as hard as Spongebob Squarepants.
He is accosted by the Sheriff played by Russell Ferrier. He tells him to keep his nose clean and all that clichéd crap. Also he tells Scott to stay away from his niece, Jesse, whom he has a past with. But Scott is a maverick who doesn’t play by anybody’s rules but his own. Jesse sees him and invites him over. They reminisce about all the good times. He mentions he is seeing some girl named, Lydia. This scene is a real taster’s choice moment.
We cut to the fireman who is at the fire station still walking like he shit himself. He walks to the fridge and eats a stick of butter, then drinks bad milk, then sits on the couch eating mayonnaise. What the hell? The other firemen give him a beer and it causes him to run and puke. He goes to shower but sees his skin is starting to come off so he covers up and runs out of the station.
We find out that Scott has taken up hockey. Jesse is watching him and so is Lydia. Meanwhile, fireman freakazoid stubbles onto the ice, walking like alien Edgar from “Men in Black” toward Lydia because he smells booty. Lydia is a tramp and has been cheating on Scott you see so she takes fire man into the dressing room even though he clearly looks like he was run through the ringer.
He gets on his knees and a CGI monster comes out his mouth and goes into her belly button in a really, bad looking effect. “Don’t ever call me again” Lydia says so woodenly I get splinters. Scott finds her and sees the fire man’s badge on the ground. There is the start of what could be a catfight between Lydia and Jesse. But Scott changes the subject to the fire man. Lydia makes up a story and they make plans to go out.
Lydia blows off Scott but Scott follows her to a club. She picks up a guy that looks like the Kurgan from “Highlander”. She is making out with him in the Ladies room and then her eyes go all bloody and she infects him the way the fire man infected her. Scott waits patiently outside the ladies room until the guy bust out. He goes in to confront her. But she falls down dead and basically bursts like a damn pumpkin shell on pavement.
He take off out of the club and runs to Jesse knowing he will get blamed for this by her Sherriff Uncle. Even though staying would be so much easier since I think most people would have a hard time believing a small time car parts thief could turn a girl into soup mix. Most standard weapons don’t do that and since witnesses saw him unarmed it would be a real hard think to believe that he disintegrated a girl with his mind.
So he stays with Jesse. Has a nightmare that she is infected that serves NO PURPOSE except to almost make them kiss. The next day Jesse finds out what kind of trouble he is in and calls the cops. Jesse books it out of there. Meanwhile the Kurgan lookalike is roaming a mall looking for a victim. Ok if a man dressed in bathrobe with bloody eyes is staggering after me. The first thing out of my mouth is “ZOMBIE!” These people are idiots to hang around him like he is normal. Finally he grabs a chick but her husband will have none of his and slugs him causing his jaw to fall halfway off.
So the deputy Fife of the town finally put the bastard down. They put him in a meat wagon and haul him away. Of course the EMT dude gets infected next and he is a skater punk. Jesse hears on the news the report of the mall attack and now believes Scott so she agrees to help him she goes to find out more about this thing from the library. Scott goes to confront the latest victim which must be the EMT guy. He has recently attacked a skater girl so when Scott tells her she has been infected and to come with him they tell him to fuck off. When he grabs her a group of skaters knock him out.
Jesse finds out a lot about the deaths that occurred on microfiche at first I call BS on this thinking how the hell can a person have microfiche of anything in 1871 BUT apparently with a wee research on my part I learned that while it was used for document preservations as early as 1851 it wasn’t until the turn of the century that it’s uses were seized by a wider audience. So the chances of finding a small town paper might likely be rare in those early days. Viva Wikipedia. But basically she finds out she can consult some old hag in town whose relative fought the creature they fought.
Scott is caught by the Sherriff and asked “How’d you do it? Was it a chemical weapon of some sort?” First off small town Sherriff, you know you framed this guy’s dad and he took the fall. So he isn’t exactly criminal mind. Second, where the hell would he get the know- how and connections to wield a chemical weapon that can turn a person into a rotting pumpkin? Finally wouldn’t it make more sense to get actual professionals involved instead of your small town justice?
Scott is placed in a cell. Eventually he gets a cellmate, an older biker dude that tells him about how the Sherriff set up his old man to go to prison. Then he talks about a skater girl who tried to get with him and started throwing up on him. Scott knows this guy is infected. He calls for the guard. The Sherriff arrives and the Sherriff gets in a tangle with the Biker causing the Sherriff to get infected.
Jesse goes to the hags, garage and finds a copy of the necronomicon. So she reads it and rolls against the sanity loss. Then she heads out now having a half a clue how to stop the terror of what’s to come. Scott is finally caught a second time by the police and this time the Sherriff decides he’s just going to outright execute him. Jesse has learned how to teleport and has figured out also how to open the back seat of a police car as well because she has snuck in the back seat and stolen a stun gun. She aims at her Uncle and fires. Tentacles erupt from him. Fearless Fife guns him down. But it takes more than bullets to stop the Sherriff so they get in his car hit him twice and blow him up with CGI fire.
Jesse and Scott relax in a diner thinking they have won only to read the chapter than says the entity cannot be killed that way. So they return to the body. Only to see a fat photographer disguised as a fireman has gotten possessed. They come up with a plan. They see the photographer in a bar eating bowl after bowl of nuts.
Jesse seduces him by saying she wants to sleep with the fattest most disgusting person she can find. Nice. So he agrees, because he has dignity and they go to her hotel room where they electrocute him to get the fiend loose. But it’s not there. Oh somehow it’s magically in Scott. They fight it out and eventually get it put in a decanter. A crusty one eyed man shows up bearing a cross ring like a ring wraith. He wants to see the creature. Next we see it burning. He tells them it has to be a certain temperature to kill them.
Scott and Jesse decide to run off to California together. As a twist we see that the fat photographer is indeed still possessed cause he is found eating flesh in the hospital. Oh man, what a totally by the book horror movie. It’s the not the worst out movie out there, but the lack of trying and the sheer lack of imagination what really makes this a weak flick.
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