Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter- review with spoilers

​So I saw this a while ago and I am only now revisiting it.  I loved this title.  The title sold me instantly.  But the movie was such a titanic piece of dog shit that it still makes me wonder what the hell people were thinking.  Vampires are killing lesbians in Ottawa.  So Jesus teams up with Mary Magnum and El Santo, a Mexican wrestler, to stop this evil.

​So after the audience is yelled at by a bearded asshole who looks like Frank Zappa we find out the missing lesbians of Ottawa and Maxine Schreck (Max Schreck is the actor who played Count Orlock in “Nosferatu” by the way) and Johnny Golgotha (of course being named after where Christ was crucified…subtle), went missing from Father Eustace’s Parish.  So naturally he summons Jesus, the greatest vampire of all time.  Jesus gets a shave and haircut and some new threads.  Some Atheist gang up on him to beat his ass and he takes them on in a funny but absolutely arbitrary fight scene.  He meets up with Mary Magnum.  A girl who’s super power is she can wear a super tight red motorcycle outfit.   Maxine and Johnny are now Vampires who decided they can feed on lesbians because “Nobody will miss them.”

​Dr. Pretorius (a throwback to “Bride of Frankenstein”) is grafting the lesbian skin to the bodies of the vampires to allow them to walk in the daylight.  Mary gets taken by the vampires so Jesus teams up with El Santo.  They beat the shit out of dozens of vampires and stake many of them before getting beaten and staked themselves.  Finally, Father Eustace, who is now a vampire stakes Jesus but his heartlight shines on them turning the remaining vampires to dust.  The exception is Mary, whom the heartlight seems to heal. She then requests that Jesus heal Maxine so they can be together as a couple.

​This movie sucks even for camp value.   The acting is wretched, the music is abominable and the costumes are from a time not of our own.  I also think it sets the gay community back a decade or two. Hell, I think it sets the Canadian community back a decade or two.  Still, that is one awesome title.  

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