Monday, January 3, 2011

Suck-review with spoilers

Well here is a movie that has no subterfuge about what it is.  Yes, it’s a vampire movie and it’s a piece of crap.  I thought it might be tolerable at least but as you watch it, it is obvious how stupid they want you to be, or high, or both.
            It starts off with a radio DJ talking like he wants to make sweet love to the mic.  Except he also tells all the women of his past they may need to get checked out.  Nice start.   We see a bad CGI bat fly next to the stereotypical lighted BAR sign.  Because many movie signs just have BAR bars and I suppose they serve generic Beer brand beer.  He starts playing a tune from a band we shortly see live.  They are called “The Winners” and they are awful.
            Into the Bar bar comes the most obvious looking vampire since Nosferatu.  This freak has grey skin, pointed teeth, hair like a rats nest and has fangs on a necklace.  Looks like Alice Cooper tends bar.  Dave Foley is this shitty band’s Manager and he is telling this band to fire him.  Jennifer the bass player is smitten with the freak.  Alice Cooper gives a free beer to the loser band leader Joey. 
            Alice Cooper gives him another round and gives Joey, the band leader some advice saying he can read minds.  It’s pretty much like in “Wayne’s World” where he starts talking about the history of Milwaukee.  Does this guy know how to party or what?  So the band steps outside Joey tells them they will all need to sleep together in the hearse they drove in.  Jennifer would rather sleep with Dracula 2000 over here so she goes with him much to the chagrin of Joey who pouts as she leaves.
            Now we have shot after shot of the most emo vampires just sitting on their asses while the stupid one that brought Jennifer starts SINGING.  Good lord I would kill for Blade to show up and beat this shit-stabber senseless.  But we get some footage of her changing, I guess.  Oh look now the band is now crossing Abbey Road. Even though they said it’s Montreal. Like they are EVEN close to the Beatles in any way, shape, or form. 
            A girl named Susan is dancing on a planet on a movie set when Joey approaches her for money.  He acts like a douche to her even though he is asking for a favor.  After getting the money they are practicing.  Jennifer surprises them.  She is now obviously a vampire too.  She is so white you can read off her in the dark.  But all Joey can think to say is, “You look different.” 
            Eddie Van Helsing (McDowell) is staking a vampire. Trying to look for a vampire named Queenie.  He finds out about the band playing that night.  I guess Joey is playing his crappy songs when Eddie shows up at his gig Jennifer is seen without a reflection and next thing you know Joey’s head is nailed with a bottle when Susan chucks it at him because she is jealous of Jennifer.  While he is unconscious he appears at the crossroads with Alice Cooper to give advice. 
            Eddie goes to find Jennifer because apparently the last thing she said was she was hungry.  We get a flash back of young Eddie and….Fuck me. That’s not Eddie that’s Alex from “Clockwork Orange” They either found a kid that looked like Alex or they found a way to age McDowell really well for that flashback. Apparently his woman was taken by the same shmuck who is clearly a vampire.
            So since Jennifer is road tripping with them from Toronto to Buffalo.  I take it the vampires don’t get killed from sunlight.  They get pulled over by the border guard.  Jennifer is wearing enough clothes and makeup to make the invisible man uncomfortable.  The guard pulls them aside and it seems like he is going to bust them for whatever reason but when he finds out they were in a band decides they are kindred spirits.  This doesn’t stop Jennifer from puking in her purse at the border.  “That takes me back” the guard says.
            So they stop at a rest stop to get something to settle her stomach.  The counter geek is drinking a soda and he thinks she is flirting with him.  She takes his straw and jams in into his neck and drinks his blood.  Hugo, one of the band mates comes upon this and she tells him she is sick and needs help.  He can help her by chopping up this body and getting rid of the corpse.  Jennifer uses her dominate discipline on Hugo to convince him to do her bidding and she’ll make him an immortal at the end of the tour.  If not she’ll kill him.
            He agrees so they soon get back on the road.  Eddie is still on their tail.  The DJ is on for a second just long to make you wonder what the hell the point is.  Then we see more shitty rock groups. The band starts getting high with another band’s guy.  But he’s an ass.  He goes to get it one with Jennifer and it goes about as well as you’d think. 
            Hugo goes to get rid of the body of the ass.  He’s really come into being Jennifer’s ghoul well.  He is even eating flies like Renfield.  The band comes to check out the situation so they walk on Jennifer eating that guy.  So they decide to have a band meeting as they figure she is the best aspect of the band thus far and to kick her out would be stupid.
            She now has fun telling them her superpowers, heightened speed, strength, she can communicate with other vampires with her mind and turn into fog.  So they set ground rules with her.  Involving no murders, only eating animals and honesty.  Oh good another DJ scene and now they are making a music video I guess? 
            Ahh Victor the man they are coming to see to record with is played by Iggy Pop.  Now we get to hear Jennifer sing.  Iggy Pop knows that she is a vampire.  He gives a bunch of advice. He does call Joey a poser, wanker, and a dick.  So I do like him for that.  Well Jennifer has turned most of the band to vampires. Except Hugo, they are kind of screwing him on that one. 
            Joey takes some drugs are the gig on accident and hallucinate as he sings some crappy tune.  Joey starts to ball them out about how they are bad people and what not but they hear Eddie behind the door so they turn to mist and vanish.  Oh crap.  The DJ this whole time is played by Henry Rollins. The DJ insults them which is actually pretty funny.    I imagine eating his thick neck is going to be treat to three vampires.
            It turns out it’s an awesome PR stunt since the crowd loves that Rockin’ Roger got killed on the air.   Alice Cooper is still at the crossroad reading Joey’s mind.  Joey decides to stop being a Mother Hen and wants to go vampire. So now they are all vampire except Hugo.  Oh and as for Eddie Hugo points him out to the bouncer as someone selling drugs so he gets dragged out. 
            Joey can’t handle the change.  He doesn’t like watching the other’s feed so he goes to mope.  Iggy Pop is there to hand out advice on fame.  Now there are a lot of puns about vampire. There is a short montage of papers saying they are big and famous now.  Soon they are on a jet.  Joey says they can be human again to Jennifer.  Eddie shows up and tells them if they can kill the original vampire then they can become human.  The vampire lord is really stupid.  Not only is hair like carrot top he invites them in and in no time only to get impaled by a guitar. 
            Six months later.  They are living the life of middle-class suburbia.  They get a flat and what do you know it’s a cross road with Alice Cooper who sprouts huge black wings saying he want to put the band back together. Jennifer seems on board but Joey looks like he wants to shit himself. 
            What a piece of crap.  A couple funny lines from Henry Rollins when you know it’s him but otherwise it’s awful.  It’s polluted with lousy music filler and really lame plot developments.  Plus I am so sick of vampire characters that are morose by their condition.  So annoying.  What a colossal waste of time. 

No comments:

Post a Comment