Yikes! This movie is another exploitation movie from 1972 that doesn’t even attempt at being good. If you look it up on Wikipedia it’ll say it’s known for being “particularly infamous for its scene of chocolate milk produced when the nipple of a woman is severed.” Yeah it tries to be funny but it comes off more obnoxious. And the music is noticeably awful. The strippers throughout this movie will dance to porno-sax, to surfer music to marching band music. Sousa would be so proud.
So the story begins with a stripper at a mirror. A shadowy figure wastes no time bashing her head in to the glass several times and then taking the shards to her eyes. Only they are clearly not hers In order to make this as gory as possibly it’s as if they just filled a dummy with meat and said go with it. Sure it looks gross and the sound effects are foul but it looks more like it belongs in a haunted house then on screen. Then we get the opening credits.
|What do you mean I am reading off cue cards? I'm illiterate.|
After a list of nobodies we the scene opens on a Borat- looking man with a cane. This is Abraham Gentry, private eye and asshole who thinks he is the next Oscar Wilde. He gets the doors and in comes a red headed Nicole Richie-looking girl who is actually a reporter named Nancy Weston but who is as bright as Richie. She offers him $25, 000 to investigate the murder of the stripper Suzie Cream Puff and another $25, 000 if he solves the case.
Nancy and Abe go to a stripper lead but it’s too late she is busy having her throat slit and then her face bashed in. When they arrive Nancy faints but Abe acts like its no big deal he just calls up the police and quips “Lt. Anderson, one of my friends seems to have run into a bit of trouble... and lost her face.” What an asshole. The cop is really an idiot since the only thing he cares about the crime scene is the number of people around taking pictures.
|No way is this fake.|
They go to the bar where Suzie worked. Abraham meets a bar maid who is just as annoying as he is. He comes across another suspect and follows a new stripper home after saving her from angry feminists to ask her questions. The new girl is either wonderful at acting stupid or she is really reading cue cards. After Abe leaves the killer shows up. Slits her throat and spanks her ass to death with a meat tenderizer. Then the killer puts salt and pepper on the wound and leaves.
When the cops arrive Abe, I am dead serious, tastes the blood for the sign of salt. I hope he caught something from doing something so stupid. Brilliant detective my ass. The paper clearly got their $50k worth out of this joker. So now Abe goes to question one of the club owners into holding a stripper contest. For no reason whatsoever the owner sics goons on Abe which he easily dispatches with his cane in seconds. They agree to hold a big amateur stripper contest. Sure is a laundry list of red-herrings in this case for Abe to consider. If I cared.
Meanwhile a stripper, I assume, is ironing clothes while frying some fries. The killer shows up and slits her throat and then burns her face with the iron. The using scissors to cut one nipple which pours milk into a glass and then the other which for some reason pours chocolate milk into a glass the killer then clinks the glasses.
Her roommate I guess shows up because she gets grabbed and gets her face dunked into the boiling oil. Then a horde of women storm the room to find the bodies. The police are idiots still thinking it’s a religious nut since Abe lead them on the wrong path so he can catch the killer first and get the money. What an asshole.
So the stripper contest goes on and like a real nice guy Abe gets Nancy drunk and has her strip and win the contest. Thus use her as bait. He takes her home and the killer arrives with a knife and bottle of acid “Made in Poland”. What the hell? So after a brief fight it turns out the killer was the annoying bar maid who wanted to be a stripper but had a burnt chest and head she kept covered. Then she falls out of the window and into the street where her head is run over by a car like an old pumpkin.
|Made in Poland? What the hell?|
“That’s Marlene…all over” he says. What an asshole. Then for reasons I can’t explain Nancy sits there while he tells the story like he knew the whole time Marlene was the killer despite the red herrings and the run around when really the trap was all he had to do the whole time. Then after all the unromantic crap they make it seem as if they are going to get it on and the screen goes black to “We announce with pride: this movie is over!”
|Seriously? Who ends a movie like this?|
I hated the main character so much it made it a hard watch. Plus he breaks the fourth wall and talks to the audience which just makes this movie even more cartoonish and stupid. I am sure that it was made for B-movie fans to enjoy the girls and gore but when you mess up the gore and the girls are that poorly written its no wonder these movies are the kind you see in grindhouse variety. There are better movies out there but if you are desperate it’ll make you squirm with how bad it is.