Wednesday, December 15, 2010


Something that always bothers me in Superhero movies is the constant whining about their powers.  Spiderman was the chief offender of this nonsense.  Ok imagine how much better his life would have been if instead of letting his Uncle Ben’s Ghost ride his ass for years with “With great power comes great responsibility” and taking responsibility for himself first.

He can’t keep a job because he is web slinging around saving people and his relationships fail as well.  So he is a miserable loser.  If that was Uncle Ben’s advice I’d shoot him myself.   Ok that is a bit harsh.  But he does need to eat, and live and frankly they do have professional people like police and emergency personnel who are properly trained in rescue as opposed so some asshole in tights just jumping around.

Now yes when a supervillain comes a knocking that is when it is useful to have him around and yes that is when he would be needed.   It’s a laughable situation.  But its time he could be using his good fortune to at least improve his situation.  Keep going to classes on time.  Leave saving the world to someone else like the X-men who also live in New York.

The X-men are sort of an oddity too.  Here we are to believe that mutants are a problem and that folks are for the most part are anti-mutant.  But somehow there are other’s that are fine with freaks like the Fantastic Four and Spider Man and what not.  Granted, I know those others are not technically mutants (they are mutates since they were not born with their powers) but still how the hell would folks differentiate the good old fashion prejudice.  It’s not as if they wear what they are on a sign or have it on their facebook page.

Also if I hear another person tell me that Batman has never killed people I’ll flip out.  I think of the Tim Burton movies as hilarious because there are a few times when he goes out of his way to straight up murder henchmen.

1. He uses the Batmobile to immolate some guys
2. He straps dynamite to a guy and throws him in the sewer.
3. He clocks one dude in the head with a church bell then drops him to his death.
4. Oh and let’s not forget fucking bombing Axis Chemicals.  With who knows how many people inside.
So yeah Batman in the Burton films is a terrorist.

​Superman was another guy that they got all wrong in the remake.   If you’ve watched “Kill Bill part 2” Bill explains really well the reasoning for why Superman dresses like Clark Kent.  He pretends to be like us.  “He is weak…he’s unsure of himself…he’s a coward. Clark Kent is Superman’s critique on the whole human race.”  It’s a very well put point.  I didn’t think it was put together well in “Superman Returns” though.

​In “Superman Returns” Brandon Routh seems to be just dressed up as Christopher Reeve.  And while it’s a noble attempt at a decent impression it doesn’t work when playing the man of steel.  Also I think they played too much that we are supposed to feel sorry for him because he is alone and the last of his race and is so different from everyone.  Ok, pull that sob train to rest.  I think I if there was a talk I could have with Superman it’d go a little like this:

Ryan: Holy shit! It’s Superman!

Superman: (crying) Yes it’s me. Though I wish it weren’t.

Ryan: Are you kidding me? What do you possibly have to feel bad about?

Superman: Well, I am the last living Kryptonian.  I have villains constantly out to kill me.  The woman I love as my alter ego won’t touch me and I feel like the world is falling apart around me and I can’t do everything.  

Ryan: Well, it’s ok to feel overwhelmed my man.  But correct me if I am wrong you’re Superman.  People all over the world adore you.

Superman: Yeah.

Ryan: So if the one hatchet faced reporter isn’t into you certainly you deserve someone that likes you for you right?

Superman: That is no way to speak about Lois…..but you’re right.

Ryan: And tell me.  Aren’t you practically invulnerable almost to the point of being a minor deity?

Superman: Yes but if some villains have discovered my weaknesses and exploit them.

Ryan:  Well then.  No one said you have to fight them on your own.  Ask for help once in a while.  You know who doesn’t give a shit about Kryptonite?  Batman.  You know who isn’t powered by Earth’s yellow sun?  Wonder Woman.  You have options man.  You ever hear of the Justice League?

Superman: Of course I have heard of it.  I founded that piece of shit.

Ryan: Well use it for crying out loud.  Take a day off and let some of Earth’s other defenders take some of the load for a change.  Believe it or not the world was moving before you arrived.  It’ll continue without you.

Superman: I suppose it will.

Ryan: Look man. You have the bolt of Olympus handed to you.  You can use it for good or evil.  Obviously you use it for good.  But you are no good to anyone if you can’t take care of yourself.

Superman: You are right.  I feel better.  Smell you later Metropolis.  I’m going on a vacation.

Ryan: I can’t help feeling I’ve done good works today.

​Look I know writers these days have a unique challenge when it comes to making superheroes that you can identify with.  But giving them a gift like god like power and then having them piss and moan about it is just a crime.   It’s their own fault 90% of the time for being written as stupid and one directional character that they don’t see the forest for the trees.   There are a few exceptions but in hero movies it’s more likely you just see someone that will fight crime because they are expected to.

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