Monday, December 27, 2010

5ive Girls-review with spoilers

​Man just looking at this title rubs me the wrong way.  “5ive Girls” looks more like Sive girls and that doesn’t mean anything. It’s as stupid as when they made it “Se7en” or “Lucky Number S7evin” at least with Slevin you might be able to call a 7 an L in some strange case though.  Either way it’s a stupid naming device that has to end.

​So the story takes off with Hellboy himself, Ron Perlman playing a priest, Father Drake at St. Mark’s boarding school.  A girl in his class is staying late.  He asks what she is working on and she shows him a rather shitty drawing of a devil over pigs falling over a cliff.  She says it’s for an assignment and it’s the story of Jesus and the Demon Legion and she tells it in case there are any of the audience who happen to have never heard tale or as if the priest has forgotten himself.

​He looks further and notices she has written in Aramaic on the paper which I know would make me wonder where the hell she picked up a language like that.  But he leaves her alone in the classroom to draw anyway.  An unseen force shuts the door and locks it behind him and starts messing with the girl.  At first I thought it was going to rape her, then possess her, or both.  Instead it makes animals noises destroys her rosary and then makes her vanish leaving a pool of blood.  Perlman comes in and does what he does best, looking jagged and beastly.  Confused by what happens he prays over the inappropriate techno-music that plays over the credits.

​The school apparently was shut down and now 5 years later is reopening.  Alex, a bubbly little blonde, whines to her Dad that she isn’t a bad girl and that it isn’t her fault.  Her Dad tells her to shut up and get her ass out of the car.  So he drops her off at the school. As she comes to the entrance she is greeted by the groundskeeper Virgil who keeps a padlocked chain around the doors to keep everyone in.  Nice, I’m sure the Fire Marshall would love this place.

​So she comes inside and is immediately bombarded by bitchiness by the head mistress Miss Pearce.  All she does is tell them how their parents hated them and that is why they got left here.  It’s at this time I noticed this boarding school only has the 5 girls in it.  What a complete waste of funds.  They even go through the trouble of strip searching the girls for contraband. Most of them have little things of personal nature but we come to find out all of them were Wiccans.

​Yeah, that is the big trouble making point this movie was making.  Have almost mutant style powers that developed due to practicing witchcraft and that was enough to get them kicked out of home and public school.  That is a hard load of bullshit to swallow movie.

​Anyway they start their class and immediately start noticing something odd going on. They see visions of the dead girl.  One of them is blind and can read fortunes through her tarot cards so she does and finds out the forbidden 3rd floor carries a dark secret.  A pair of girls break onto the floor one day and the head mistress catches that it was unlocked.  When she drills them about who was up there Alex says she did it.  ​

​Rather than a punishment befitting her age she hikes up the teenage girls skirt and spanks her ass with a ruler.  This prompts one of the girls, Mara to show she has a healing touch.  And yes that DOES mean her hand is all over that ass.  One of the girls, gets possessed and it was a lot like the way Ash did it in “Evil Dead 2,” hand first.  The girls have all discovered a pentagram upstairs with their weekly urine samples on each point and blood in the middle.  They get mystically shoved to each point and spirit energy enters Connie.  Then they leave like nothing happened.

​While taking a bath Connie get up and almost drowns a girl before taking over her body.  Then going to the priest and killing him by stabbing him with multiple crucifixes. She kills some girls and switches bodies a few times before the genius girls catch on to what EVERYONE else has caught onto for a long time.  The headmistress is evil and made a demonic pact to kill 5 girls in an attempt to get her sister, Elizabeth, the girl with the drawing, back.

​At one point Mara and Alex confront her and she doesn’t even bat an eye.  She just breaks Mara’s hand.  “She broke my healing hand!” Mara exclaims.  I guess they are really fucked now. I’d just be wasting all our time to describe how the demonic possessed girl beats a blind girl to death.  Or how stabbing one like a prison snitch just makes it switch bodies.

​After oddly kissing her without any cause or reason leading up to it Mara is apparently into Alex.  She and the demon fight until it enters Mara.  Mara gets stabbed and falls.   Alex uses her power while mortally wounded to push the demon into the headmistress and then impale her head on the back of a crucifix.    Somehow Mara wakes up and is able to heal herself despite her healing hand being broken.

​She bumps into Virgil on the way out who tells her she can’t leave but she tell him to stick it up his ass.  All of a sudden Elizabeth the dead girl from the beginning comes downstairs and calls to Virgil who it turns out is her father.  Following her is The Headmistress who touches and possesses Virgil and attacks the girl.  Real happy ending.

  ​This movie wouldn’t be near as bad if it wasn’t a “Suspiria” and “The Craft” ripoff.    It’s got all the makings of a softcore porno.  It’s not scary it’s not fun, and it’s not very alluring.  This movie is just too ridiculous to even show mild interest in.  

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