Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Steven Seagal: Lawman(review)

Steven Seagal is the punch line to a joke left unsaid.  I remember being in the theater waiting for some movie and seeing the commercial for this joke.  It starts off like the show “Cops”.  Then in waddles Steven Seagal.  Who still thinks he is as bad as the days of “Under Siege”, when his movies didn’t’ go direct to DVD and him appearing on screen didn’t warrant a laugh.  This is reality TV at its best because it ALL centers around this living canned ham that considers himself an Aikido master and Zen genius.
After seeing the preview of the cops kissing his fat ass while he literally bitch-slaps them I realized had to see this show.  I noticed the first season is now on Netflix.  It is EXACTLY as I pictured it.   Seagal swaggers into frame saying “You were expecting someone else?”  The screen says he’s been a deputy in Louisiana for over 20 years and they are just starting to make a buck off that.  He gets into a car and gets ready to patrol the night.  Like an out of shape Batman.
As if it wasn’t funny enough watching Seagal toot his own horn and spout Zen sayings like he was the Dali Lama he’s got a group of officers ready to lick the mud off his boots at a moment’s notice. Best example is when an officer needs to pass a shooting test or he’ll end up behind a desk pushing papers.  They send Actor Steven Seagal to teach him how to shoot.  Steven is wearing a doo rag and sweating like a whore in church the whole time.
In Zen archery you have to tell the arrow where to go through yourself not the bow. He basically tells the officer.  I suppose that is sound advice, IF YOU ARE AN ARCHER! WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH A GUN YOU CRAZY WALRUS?  Does he expect his chi to focus to kill a target?  How Buddhist of him.  I figure that is why the gun inventor developed a thing called a “sight” on a gun.  Makes you not rely on a chi, or the force or whatever to shoot a target.
  In another episode he teaches some officers some take down moves with Aikido.  Basically he gets to manhandle a few cops when they are not ready and he bitch slaps a few saying “I found an opening.” If he wasn’t an action star I get the feeling he’d be on his fat ass trying to get the mace out of his eyes.  Hey I’m first to say I’m overweight and you might think it’s unfair to poke so much fun of Seagal.  But to that I just need to say watch this show.  The fact that he was once in action movies seems to give poor Steven the illusion that he is bullet-proof.  
The fact is Steve is more ham-hock now than man, twisted and evil.  His career is in the toilet and I don’t think he got the memo.  But for an actor crap work is better than no work.  I mean he did the “Machete” movie and that was a real movie that was in theaters.  All I can say is this show is so weird to watch it’s almost surreal. You truly are watching a washed up has been that can never go back to his glory days and it’s funny for that very reason.

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