Sunday, October 31, 2010

Red: Werewolf Hunter-A review with spoilers

            As much as I enjoy the internet shows “The Guild” and “The Adventures of Neil” and laughed a lot at “Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog”, it really is a bad sign when the only star in your movie is Felicia Day.  If that is your only draw then maybe you are better off running for the hills.  This made for TV movie was laughably bad.
Let’s start with the beginning. First we get a bit of text

“Many many moons ago,
almost too many to count,
in a small village deep within the forest,
there lived a young girl her
hair a red as the setting sun.”

What the hell does this have to do with anything? Not a thing.  There is a small hovel and an old Granny is reading to her BLONDE granddaughter.  Suddenly she hears a howl and tells her to haul butt up the ladder to the attic to hide. 

            Granny does about as well as Betty White in a bullfight while a really crappy CGI werewolf beats the crap out of her.  Still, the young girl yells “Leave her alone!” This gets the werewolf’s attention so that Granny makes a killing blow before keeling over with an eye missing.

            Flash forward to the present. Felicia Day is in what looks like a ghost town. Wandering with her gun out Felicia Day looks like she’d cry to use a pistol. She has NO gravitas at all.  Nathan, her fiancé, is meeting her family for the first time.  Exposition is shoved down our gob. Since characters are meeting one another you find out Nathan and Virginia, Felicia Day’s character, are FBI agents.  Nathan is apparently a total dumb ass too.

            Nathan asks her brother Jake, “Why do they call her Red?” For real movie?  They are asking why Felicia Day, a blazing red head is called red? Either way her brother can’t seem to make up an answer and tells Nathan he needs to ask Virginia.  So since this is a piece of crap movie they need to let you know that cell service is bad. Nathan goes to find a signal and gets bumped into by a balding bloodied guy.  He whispers “Gabriel” and falls over.

            Nathan runs to get help but when he returns he finds out the dead guy turned to ash.  Needless to say the entire family, Marcus, Jake, present day Granny, and Virginia decide to tell Nathan they hunt werewolves. He decides he needs time to let this sink in.  So he goes wandering in the woods.  Nathan gets caught in a storm and bumps into a werewolf.  He shifts and knocks him to the ground then says “Gabriel!” and bites him.  Okay. So the werewolf says his own name before biting people.  That is really pointless.

            Felicia and family find Nathan on the ground.  His wounds have healed.  They are freaked out since there is a werewolf that can phase at will and are breaking the truce.  They don’t think Nathan has been bitten so it’s no biggie.  “Maybe he is cut out to be in this family.” Marcus says Granny replies with “Maybe they wanted him to survive.” REALLY?  That is insightful.  Truly she is a wise matriarch.

            They go to there blade style arsenal where they get silver weapons.  They even explain to Nathan they have an easy method to test if a person is a werewolf.  Do they bother to try it on Nathan though?  Gosh no. That would be something a sane person would do.

            They go back into the ghost town and explain to Nathan that werewolves are destroyed by silver.  They town they are in was attacked by werewolves and were turning the rest of the town so they killed everyone.  Holy shit! These are the good guys? They see a car drive by full of “rogues” so they whip out there weapons and kill the werewolves.  I call foul! They weren’t even doing anything.  Profiling! Then they open up the cars truck to reveal a kidnapped girl who said she was going to be their next game.  Well, that puts my profiling argument in its place.
            So we see a mass of humans hanging from chains scared out of their wits while the werewolves who look more like homeless people roam among them looking mean.  Gabriel gives a rousing Saruman speech to the wolves “You will taste man flesh!”  They let the people out to hunt them down and kill them.  But when they transform the CGI is really bad.  They don’t look like wolves at all.  They look like rat/monkey/men. And why the hell can werewolves in movies climb walls? Is that a wolf trait?    Anyway one of the humans, a teen boy tells Gabriel, he wants to be turned rather than die.  Hell, I didn’t know they had options.  He was lucky.

            So while camping out during the full moon Nathan turns. Luckily Virginia stuns him with a stun gun.  What a weak werewolf.  Virginia gets in an argument with Marcus over whether they should kill him or not.  “Not everything is black and white Marcus.”  Ok up until now it has been for you.  You killed a whole town because they were werewolves you psycho.

            Virginia, Marcus and Jake go to kill the werewolves leaving Granny with Nathan.  She tells him how her husbanded turned into a werewolf and she found a way to turn him back human. But he resented her for it because it liked be a wolfman so much.  So when he succeed in turning himself again.  She killed him. Wow….I guess psycho runs in the family.  At least it isn’t brains.  The three hunters are caught by a single gas grenade. 

            Virginia is hanging in chains and the other brothers are going to be hunted.  Luckily one was able to sneak a knife in his boot.  He kills a great deal of werewolves but both of them are torn apart by Gabriel.  Nathan goes in the morning to rescue Virginia.  After finding the bodies of the two brothers he is met with no resistance.
            There is a gearing up for war montage.  Nathan gets locked in a cell again.  Virginia kills tons of werewolves with a harpoon cannon then she is able to beat them in hand to hand combat.  Nathan changes forms in his cell and breaks free and kills Granny.  For whatever reason she looks just like the Granny in the beginning of the movie, missing an eye.  Now there is a Gabriel and Virginia fight and match banter for a while until Virginia rams a Harpoon into him. 

            She sees that Nathan is on the loose and killed Granny.  So she goes after him.  But she is not careful and gets knocked out wolfman Nathan who proceeds to bite her.  She wakes in the morning and finds Nathan.  She is broken up about the situation.  He thinks they can live together still as werewolves.  They embrace and she shanks him with a silver knife.  Wow what a totally cold-hearted bitch move.  Is she going to kill herself to make sure this lycanthrope curse ends? Nope.  Next we see her reading to a little blonde girl on her lap.  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! WTF! Well at least she didn’t have enough problems living with the curse she moved on with her life. 

            What a piece of crap. But honestly what did I expect form the network that brought us such gems as “Frankenfish” “Sharktopus” and “Ice Spiders”. The only draw is Felicia Day and I’m sure she just was happy to cash that check at the end of the day.  It doesn’t even have the funny camp value you get form a Bruce Campbell movie.  Good lord what a glorious waste of time.

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