Friday, February 4, 2011

Titanic 2- review with spoilers

Regrets? I've had a few.
            Let me tell you about the ship of dreams. Oh and not the boat that sank in 1912 only to have a movie made by James Cameron which still holds box office records.  No I’m talking about the boat that they decided to launch that tempted fate a second time.  Titanic 2.

            First off let me start by saying this is an Asylum picture.  Much like my review of “Paranormal Entity” I watching it knowing it was a cash grab by a studio wanting to get folks by the title and box art alone.  If you are sad enough to rent this one sometime do yourself a favor though.  Sit through the previews, they are so damn funny.  The gag reel is pretty worth while too.  90% of this movie is behind a green screen and it shows.  I’ve seen video game characters out of CD-rom games from the nineties that look better than this.

God himself couldn't sink the Titanic 2
            The beginning of the movie shows an asshole surfing through glacial waters.  At first I am shocked since I can only imagine how dangerous that is but apparently it is a sport that people do and yes it is incredibly dangerous.  His luck doesn’t last though since a chunk of ice falls and the wave pummels him to a quick death.  Then we start our grim title.

The movie takes place 100 years after the sinking of the original ship.  A rich asshole has recently made a luxury cruise liner that looks just like the real RMS Titanic and decided to tempt fate and call it the Titanic 2. There is a lot of talk about how they are even going on the same route as the original ship’s maiden voyage.  Yet they are taken off from New York and going to Europe so it’s actually the opposite route. 

Kim knows it's better to look good then to feel good.
            A scientist named Kim summons the Coast Guard to her Arctic base where it’s so obviously a green screen it’s laughable.  I’m pretty sure Arctic scientists don’t roam on glaciers dressed only in wind breakers and jeans (and Kim in full make up and her hair done).  It gets really bad when in the dialogue they say the effects of Global Warming on an ice glacier (as opposed to those lava glaciers you hear about) is causing ice to calf into the water creating giant tsunamis which send icebergs at the Titanic 2.

            Already I can’t begin to fathom who decided that this was a conceivable idea. For starters let’s imagine that the ice from the glacier they are talking about calved at the size of Rhode Island.  It’s not going to cause a wave to destroy ships miles away.  Know why?  These things have happened before. In 1988 the Filchner-Ronne Ice Shelf calved off a chunk of ice the size of Delaware and in 2005 the Ayles Glacier dropped a chunk the slightly larger than size of the island of Manhattan.  My point is it didn’t cause a tsunami.  Seismic activity does that. The writers should have gone with a reef to hit or Somali Pirates or something relevant. 

            Considering the ship looks like it is the same model as the original Titanic it actually doesn’t have a bunch of men in the lower decks shoveling coal in the furnaces and it’s actually full of all the amenities of a cruise liner.  One of the nurses even pauses to read a book called “The Original Titanic.” What the hell?  Who would title such an idiotic book unless knowledge of the second titanic was common place? 

I don't know about you, but I intend to write a strongly worded letter to the White Star Line about all of this.
Well it doesn’t take long for the boat to get hit and sure enough.  Despite the announcement to remain calm people IMMEDIATELY scream and fall to their feet like they forgot how to walk.  They fight for lifeboats while three people we don’t care much about try to make it out.  They are the two ship nurses, Amy and Kelly.  Amy has a thing for the ship’s owner Hayden who is a rich douche who is never seen without a girl in his arms. The Captain of the ship meanwhile quips “Looks like history is repeating itself.”

            Still I guess this movie wants you to feel there is some stilted romance to go with.  They find Kelly in the infirmary all cut up so despite the fact there is probably bandages all over the place they tape a credit card to her wound to stop the bleeding.  That is a new one on me.  There is a large explosion and people are dying all over.  I guess with out a small band to calm people down it really makes a difference.  “Gentlemen, it's been an honor playing with you tonight.”

            A second tsunami hit the ship and turns it into “The Poseidon Adventure” and killing all the folks in the lifeboats.  Luckily Amy finds a wet suit and a breathing tank.  But Hayden drowned in order to save her.  I guess if his character was developed or he was clearly not a womanizing douche then it would matter.  Amy is the sole survivor when her father comes to rescue her.  Oh and that is the one recognizable star of this movie.  Bruce Davidson plays her Dad.  Oh you don’t know who that is?  Well it’s just the old man that played Senator Kelly in “X-Men.”

You should see him in the gag reel he knows full well this movie is bullshit too but someone wanted to make rent that year.  The movie really is a piece of crap.  The acting is as phony as the background and the script is as cookie cutter as you would see in a YouTube video.  Still with the right mindset it can be fun to make fun of.  So if that is what you are looking for more power to you and may your heart go on and on.

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