Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Cadaverella-review with spoilers

Like you'll ever see makeup this good in a movie this cheap.
            Here’s a stupid idea from a company so aptly named Brain Damage Films.  Make a modern fairy tale on a limited budget with horror elements.  Can it be done?  Oh yes, it has many times before.  Was it done well this time?  Oh fuck no!

            This movie has a girl named Cinder who lives alone with her Dad.  All is well until her Dad goes on a business trip and returns married to an evil step stripper who brings along two odd little girls.  Sounds like a bad Dad to simply go off on a business trip and return with a new mom and step sisters in tow without even a mention via postcard.  What an asshole.    So one day she is showboating her stripper moves to him and he drops dead of a heart attack.

            15 years later Cinder is now 3 days from turning 21 and inheriting the trust fund her father left her.  Oddly enough her step mother and the two step sisters haven’t aged a day.  You’d think that a casting director would fix this.  But that would be too much work.  Cinder is a TOTALLY unlikable bitch.  She treats her semi-boyfriend, Justin like crap even though he is really into her and in a wheel chair.  She knows a girl at work named Lenore that wants nothing but to be friends with her but she wishes harm on her. 

When this ever changing world in which we live in makes you give it a try say "Live and let die."
            This comes to a head when she enlists the aid of the Baron Samedi from voodoo lore.  He appears with all the trappings of the villain out of “Live and Let Die.”  Telling her that he will “make things happen for her”. Sure enough horrid things happen to Lenore and the guy she crushes on, Cash, shows an interest in her when she summons the voodoo god out of the tiny idol made of sculpy.

            Cash hooks up with her then kills her and buries her in a shallow grave.  Turns out he’s been hooked up with the step mother the whole time.   Baron Samedi shows up at her grave and gives her until midnight to get revenge.  Nice that of all the murders in the world this stupid girl seems the most justified to him.  So she goes to the step mom’s place and crushes her head while she is in the bath.

She's only this bitchy because a house fell on her sister.
            Then she heads over to Justin’s place.  She tells him she loves him which I admit thank goodness at least he is smart enough to think is bullshit as well as any sane person.  She vanishes, leaving a small gift.  Do we find out what the gift is?  I think you give the movie far too much credit.  Then she goes over to Cash’s place and kills two of his amigos.  He talks to her a bit before she stabs him in the heart and he bleeds to death in a very dull fashion. 

            She takes Cash’s motorcycles and tells the audience this is the worst birthday she’s ever had. Then we see Baron Samedi get the two never aging step sisters and take them with him saying “Leave the wigs.”  They do and we get a “The End” credit.  What the fuck is that?  Well it’s one thing when you are so cheap that actors have multiple roles.  In this case Lenore was the Step mom and Cash was Justin but damn this movie it seemed like it was all about cutting costs.

            The credits roll over outtakes which are really about as ludicrous as the rest of the film.  There is nothing scary about it and nothing really funny about it. The charm of a modern fairy tale is lost when your princess should have been beheaded for being a wretched shrew.  It’s all about class and even a cheaply made movie can have it some times.  This movie has NONE.

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