Friday, May 13, 2011

Zombie Women of Satan- review with spoilers

Wanna see a magic trick?
           If you enjoy “Shaun of the Dead” or “Fido” this movie will make you want to claw your eyes out.  I have no problem with people who try to making their visions a reality. That is what makes movies great.  But when you have no comic timing and you just want to toss in tits because it’s your burlesque crowd, then we are in Ed Wood territory.  Even though this is a movie from the UK, don’t count on that to class it up one iota.

 You're obviously confused and aroused.
            This movie starts with a clown dancing with topless zombies.  Suddenly we are given scenes of fan dances and intros of our protagonists. None of which are likeable.  The main character is the clown, a rapscallion named Pervo the clown.  So the burlesque freak show gets invited to an internet show for an interview. Mostly, because one of the members of the group is a singer named Skye Brannigan.  Looking at her and hearing her sing I can’t see why in this movie she is famous.  I’d rather have Zap Brannigan around frankly.

            The place for the interview is being held is actually home of a cult of people and a family of oddballs who inject girls with what looks like melted butter to create zombies. Sure that sounds stupid.  I actually took two pages of notes on this piece of cat shit while I tried to figure out why someone would do that.  The family themselves keep girls in states of undress with collars around their necks with letters to identify them.

            As for the family themselves, well the mother is chained up in the basement horny and crazy. The father does the actual experiments and injects the girls and asks them questions.  He believes this will somehow get him a Nobel Prize.  Not sure in what field this benefits humanity though.  His son, Tycho, is busy raping girls, and fucking zombies during this movie.  And the two daughters named Red and Blue are really just there for the body count.

This is what Sarah Palin had in mind when she thought of "death panels"
            Eventually the girls of the cult drink bad punch and go zombie.  So they start bleeding everywhere and touching themselves.  The zombies go nuts and then the killings begin.  The burlesque show’s token little person takes a shit that lasts roughly 20 scenes. Way to class up the movie with highbrow humor.   Pervo the clown never takes off his make up because he is a dipshit and to add to the quality of his character he shows the audience his ass several times as he runs to the woods to jack off. He is, however, able to take several zombies by punching them in the face, which really doesn’t seem bright unless you “kick ass for the lord” (that was a “Dead Alive” reference).
Just run upstairs asshole.

            Pervo accidentally decapitates one of his own team and even fights off a zombie in a wheelchair whose breasts squirt acid.  This is idiotic.  Oh, and there is a subplot about finding Skye’s sister who apparently is a member of the cult.  Enjoy having that bit of exposition pounded down your throat.

There is an interesting choice of having Tycho get it on with a Zombie. Then there’s a shoot out between the family and what’s left of the surviving burlesque troop. The effects are bad and the climax is cliché. The troop leaves and the insane mother runs off gibbering into the woods.

Why the hell is this around? It’s not even campy or clever. It’s not even erotic. It’s a bad movie. Not the worst I’ve seen but it’s really up there. It’s not even so bad it’s good. It’s a movie that is about as cool as a freshly laid turd. Plus, as interesting as the title sounded Satan had NOTHING to do with this movie. This movie is total bollocks.

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