Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Bitten- review with spoilers

This is gonna suck.

            Imagine if for an hour an a half you were a male director and you were given a budget to basically piss and moan about women.  It’d be pretty fucking boring right?  Unless it came up with some great universal truth that hadn’t been discovered in all the other media that covers the subject of relationships it’s been done to death.  So what do you do?  You mask it in a lame story about a vampire woman so that the idea of her sucking the life out of her boyfriend is literal now and not just the sexist metaphor.  And what is the star power for a gem like this?  None other than Jason Mewes, of Jay and Silent Bob fame.

            Yeah this movie is all sorts of shit.  From the cast of nobodies to the script that has stereotypes and sexist generalizations. It’s a movie made by idiots for idiots.  Jason Mewes plays Jack who is a paramedic (ya rly). That works with an old asshole partner named Roger who talks more about shit than most elderly people or people with infants I know.  Jack spends most of his time whining about how his relationships fail and how he is a loser with women.

Tell me of your home world Usul.
            On his way home we see a crude Hindu stereotype manning the convenience store and his land lady is a Chinese stereotype.  It’s so over the top and offensive that they actually put in a GONG sound.  Oh yeah. They went there.  Jack also gets accosted by Bulk and Skull (not their real names, but who gives a fuck.) outside his apartment. Two meth dealing bullies that bumble about like asses, as if that is going to be the best thing this movie will give us. 

This the biggest doobie ever!
            Eventually Jack finds a girl who was obviously bitten lying in a pile of trash. Rather than calling an ambulance like a real paramedic. He takes her home.  Wonder who the fuck bit her?  Hope you enjoy disappointment because it is never brought up at all in this movie. Jack discovers she has some sort of sickness.  Once again instead of immediately calling someone when she is burned horribly when the sun burns her he stares and gets ready for another day of work.

            Then his ex comes over to pick up some things she left.  This is just a reason so that vampire girl can kill and eat her.  Jack comes home and we get a GOOFY cleaning up montage while he wraps her in bubble wrap while clown music plays.  HI-LARIOUS!
This happens to Bulk and Skull as well on separate instances and Jack is more than willing to play body fetcher for his new fling.  Apparently she can’t eat animal blood and packaged blood he steals is no good to her. 

This is for Clerks 2!
            She also brings home a girl from a club one night and this really sets Jack off because everyone else deserved it. I guess he figures that a club-goer is so much more innocent compared to drug dealer or cheating girlfriend. He goes off to walk and think for a while.  HE locks up the vampire girl. He has a heart to heart with his paramedic partner and he comes to realize that women he is with always try to suck the life out of him so he needs to break it off.

            So he does it through a door.  The girl is in tears.  Jack then attempts to kill her, which pisses her off plenty.  She fights hard and his partner, Roger shows up in time to see Jack get bitten.  Roger delivers the killing blows to the girl and agrees to take care of Jack.  In the final credits we see him with a dog collar on licking blood out of a dog bowl and Roger watching.

Some truths can't be hidden.
            Bitter, oh a tad.  Some one was pissed at a girlfriend.  This movie is just a whining attempt to piss and moan about how women are horrible harpies that will kill you.  It’s a really weak movie and it comes off like a cry for help more than a dark comedy.  Jason Mewes should just stick to what he does best, Kevin Smith movies.

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