Monday, May 30, 2011

Pirates of the Caribbean on Stranger Tides-review

Jack gets dragged into a new sequel.

            The biggest flaw to the “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie was following the romance of Orlando Bloom.  He wandered the screen like a wet blanket and just made the movies seem to drag on and on when you wanted more Jack swashbuckling.  This movie makes up for it. But it’s still not very good.

            In this story we find Jack trying to find the Fountain of Youth. Or he gave up on it? Either way you will be given a ton of exposition in a short amount of time so try to keep up. There will be a quiz on this later.  All you need to know is everyone wants the Fountain and need location which he and Gibbs (the mutton chopped fellow from the other movies) know. Everyone is screwing over everyone trying to get there first.        

First off it’s really strange to have supernatural threats in all the other movies that are really cool. Then when Blackbeard shows up; (“The Pirate pirate’s fear”) he is not all that threatening.  In the movie he kills a single guy killed with by a flamethrower attached to his boat.  That of course makes him a genius since flame throwers weren’t really used until World War 1.

Where is the eyeliner?
            But besides that his sword lets him control his ship via telepathy.  He also can raise crew members as zombies to keep them compliant. So why doesn’t he do that more often?  It raises more plot holes then it should.  His magic only is useful for the plot.  He has a voodoo doll of Jack which he gives a good once over.  This is only the first of the Indiana Jones rip offs in this movie.  The second is drinking out of a goblet “One which gives live and one which takes it away.”  Are you serious?  That is almost line for line out of “The Last Crusade”.

            The worse part is the most insultingly forced romance between a priest character that has NO REASON to be on Blackbeard’s ship and a mermaid.  Granted the mermaids are kind of neat in a lot of ways. They are beautiful, they tempt you then they grow vampire fangs and try to tear you apart.  They even have seaweed bullwhips.  I like approach.  But the forced romance just got nothing but eye-rolls from the audience. 

Thanks so much for this forced romance!
            The ending is baffling.  Penelope Cruise really does not deserve what she gets.  I won’t spoil anymore than I probably already have.  But stay after the credits it gives a little more to the end but not much.  I hate to be the one to say this; but where the hell does a pirate get eyeliner.  It’s obvious Jack is wearing gobs of the stuff.  I’d just love to see him cry.  That would be funny to see him with runny eyeliner.

            The one thing that is always great about the series is Geoffrey Rush as Barbossa.  He returns as a privateer for the king of England.  I always loved him as a character because it’s as if he stepped right off the Disneyland ride.  He is the one character whose motivations are always crystal clear and he does as he pleases.

            As one final nitpick to the swashbuckling genre.  I know it looks awesome to see a guy jump around like a gymnast.  But usually it’s better when it’s real.  Not CGI doing ridiculous physics that no stunt man could do.  Also if there are any pirates around reading this.  If someone is attempting to engage you in a fair sword fight that requires fancy footwork.  Just shoot the bastard.  You are a pirate. Don’t fight fair and keep a gun handy.  

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