I first saw “Mars Attacks!” when it came out ages ago. I was a freshmen in high school and it was the about the same time ID4 and MIB were starting to make it big. I was pretty impressed by MIB at the time because the effects and even ID4 had me curious to see it because it had the Whitehouse being butt-fucked by a death ray.
What it did was toss every big name star out there at us and say “You’re bound to enjoy it”. The time I saw it I was horribly annoyed. The alien’s voice’s made me want to sucker punch a person in the throat. It’s been over a decade since I’ve seen it and now I’ve seen countless movies that are like it. I get the joke more that Tim Burton is trying to get at.
The main source of the movie’s art style came from the trading cards series it was based on. But the film itself pays homage to many sci-fi B movies.
Plan 9 from Outer Space
Invaders from Mars
Invasion of the Body Snatchers
Earth vs. the Flying Saucers
War of the Worlds
It Came From Outer Space
Target Earth
And others are listed as having influenced this movie in some fashion.
Truth is told this would have probably been a hilarious model for the alien for George Lucas to use on the alien in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I mean their ships are saucers and really both Burton and Lucas and Spielberg were essentially making a movie praising the nostalgia for the 50s movie. So the alien should have looked like the rubber mask variety anyway rather than CGI.
Sadly the aliens in this movie were not made with stop motion as Tim Burton originally intended but they serve their purpose and look the part of the silly stylized villain of a bygone era. It’s a fun movie that takes a fun genre and takes the audience for a trip back through time when the aliens always destroyed landmarks and they never came in peace.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Ginger Snaps-review
“Ginger Snaps” is a really good movie. For a Canadian indie horror movie about werewolves it really does the trick. It features Emily Perkins, or as she is known in some circles as the young girl in “Stephen King’s IT” and Katherine Isabelle, who was in a heap of nothing specials to her credit including “Freddy vs. Jason”. The big draw though is they use lycanthropy as a metaphor for puberty.
Mimi Rogers (who few seem to remember used to be married to Tom Cruise Pre-Nicole Kidman) plays an overbearing mother in a humorous fashion. She adds a light hearted charm to the dark material. Katherine play’s Ginger and Emily plays her sister Brigitte. They are two Goth girls who are very fixated on death. On the night Ginger gets her first period she is attacked by a werewolf. Soon she finds herself changing in all sorts of ways.
She grows apart from her sister. She starts to hang out with boys more and more since her lycanthropy has increased her sexual appetite. This leads to her having unprotected sex and even giving a boy lycanthropy. He isn’t as lucky about how he looks when he is going through his change though. Seems rather nuts that Ginger becomes this sexual beast while slowly sprouting a tail, and growing her teeth and claws. Meanwhile this bastard has horrid acne and bloody discharge.
The effects are not bad either. The werewolf itself is one of the best I’ve seen and is a testament to the days of movie not using CGI for everything. The change seen is not the greatest. That award still goes to “American Werewolf in London” but “Ginger Snaps” is well worthy of recognition. This movie had two movies that followed it a sequel and a prequel.
They show them a lot on the Syfy channel. Though why would you want to only show those movies and never the original is beyond me. But then again why would you change your name from Sci-fi to Syfy? The sequels are watchable but not nearly as good. The second takes place 4 years later and really tried to be clever. The third is almost hilarious. At least the same actresses came back for it. But for fuck’s sake it’s a prequel that takes place in 19th Century Canada. Two girls with the same names are wandering the woods as antecedents of their modern part counter parts even though they are identical to them in just about all ways.
Frankly that one is fun to watch because they test lycanthropy on a person by putting leeches on them. If they got the curse, the little parasites explode. So the movies got stranger as time went on. I’ll give it this: At least this one is worth a crap. It’s actually got an interesting plot that goes beyond the usual monster mash. The metaphor is on the nose and it’s obvious without coming right out and saying it. It’s just nice to see a movie where it’s not always about the same thing most werewolf movies are about.
Man gets bitten by werewolf>man struggles to retain humanity>man loses control and goes on a kill spree> man is inevitably killed by humans who he sought to protect.
I can’t tell you how many werewolf movies out there are like this. Some break the mold. “Ginger Snaps” and “Dog Soldiers” come to mind immediately. So if you are in the mood for something a bit different in the werewolf genre give it a look. It’s a really good one that more people should pay attention too.
Mimi Rogers (who few seem to remember used to be married to Tom Cruise Pre-Nicole Kidman) plays an overbearing mother in a humorous fashion. She adds a light hearted charm to the dark material. Katherine play’s Ginger and Emily plays her sister Brigitte. They are two Goth girls who are very fixated on death. On the night Ginger gets her first period she is attacked by a werewolf. Soon she finds herself changing in all sorts of ways.
She grows apart from her sister. She starts to hang out with boys more and more since her lycanthropy has increased her sexual appetite. This leads to her having unprotected sex and even giving a boy lycanthropy. He isn’t as lucky about how he looks when he is going through his change though. Seems rather nuts that Ginger becomes this sexual beast while slowly sprouting a tail, and growing her teeth and claws. Meanwhile this bastard has horrid acne and bloody discharge.
The effects are not bad either. The werewolf itself is one of the best I’ve seen and is a testament to the days of movie not using CGI for everything. The change seen is not the greatest. That award still goes to “American Werewolf in London” but “Ginger Snaps” is well worthy of recognition. This movie had two movies that followed it a sequel and a prequel.
They show them a lot on the Syfy channel. Though why would you want to only show those movies and never the original is beyond me. But then again why would you change your name from Sci-fi to Syfy? The sequels are watchable but not nearly as good. The second takes place 4 years later and really tried to be clever. The third is almost hilarious. At least the same actresses came back for it. But for fuck’s sake it’s a prequel that takes place in 19th Century Canada. Two girls with the same names are wandering the woods as antecedents of their modern part counter parts even though they are identical to them in just about all ways.
Frankly that one is fun to watch because they test lycanthropy on a person by putting leeches on them. If they got the curse, the little parasites explode. So the movies got stranger as time went on. I’ll give it this: At least this one is worth a crap. It’s actually got an interesting plot that goes beyond the usual monster mash. The metaphor is on the nose and it’s obvious without coming right out and saying it. It’s just nice to see a movie where it’s not always about the same thing most werewolf movies are about.
Man gets bitten by werewolf>man struggles to retain humanity>man loses control and goes on a kill spree> man is inevitably killed by humans who he sought to protect.
I can’t tell you how many werewolf movies out there are like this. Some break the mold. “Ginger Snaps” and “Dog Soldiers” come to mind immediately. So if you are in the mood for something a bit different in the werewolf genre give it a look. It’s a really good one that more people should pay attention too.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Dolly Dearest- review with spoilers
So many times I have watched the movies for this blog and just cringed at the title. This is one of those times. All I know is with a title like “Dolly Dearest” I expect someone to get spanked with a wire hanger. What we get instead is a 1992 attempt to cash in on the popularity of the “Child’s Play” franchise. It’s a strangely annoying movie. Staring such amazing stars as Denise Crosby and Rip Torn you can see now why the makers should be clobbered with a wrench.
Well without further ado let’s review. An American family is on its way to Mexico. The father, Elliot has just become the owner of the Dolly Dearest doll factory. He really makes me sick on the plane ride talking to his daughter like she is the cutest and sweetest little angel around. Even his wife, played by Denise Crosby looks like she sees he is spoiling her. But it’s left unsaid the whole movie which is actually sadder than anything else.
Meanwhile next door to the factory is an excavation of the tomb of Sanzia, which means Satan on Earth and is supposed to be from a Mayan Cult. During the dig an archaeologist dies and releases a mass of evil spirits trapped within the tomb. They race toward the factory and hide out in the dolls. Elliot and family arrive and he takes the kids to check out the new factory with him. It’s a piece of crap sadly.
Still there are a few dolls around and so Jessica, his daughter says she wants one and he gives her one. “My first sale!” he says. Even though he gave it away for free and therefore it can’t really be a sale unless he considers that it was 100% off in which case he is an idiot. He lets his son, Jimmy wander around the excavation which he becomes very interested in. Not the safest place in the world for a 7th grader.
Jessica is VERY creative and names her doll Dolly. Jessica starts to act a little strange. She draws some weird and disturbing pictures and then one day she is coming home with her Mom and she sees a priest blessing the house. She starts throwing a tantrum like she’s Damien from the Omen when he is about to go to church. Then they get home she demands her doll and gives the housekeeper an evil look.
Jessica is more and more obsessed with the doll. Once the housekeeper, Camilla, almost comes close to it with a rosary and she shoves the plates out of her hand right in front of her Mom. Her Mom gives a wishy washy embarrassed apology for her. Had it been me that watched my kid do something so awful she’d be spanked to the Stone Age before she apologized. This kid is clearly manipulating her parent’s emotions with this little Cindy Brady attitude.
One night she is outside in the playhouse with her doll when Camilla sees her and goes to bring her in. She gets locked outside and then when trying to get back inside by sneaking in via the basement she gets electrocuted by the doll. These sorts of doll shenanigans continue as Jimmy sneaks out one night and hitchhikes to the factory. Seriously? In Mexico? I guess the kid is aching to get kidnapped. When he arrives he finds Luis the night watchmen dead in the factory from when the dolls toyed with him with a sewing machine.
Some of the facts Jimmy has researched makes Marilyn, the Mom, a firm believer that her daughter is possessed. She tries one night to separate Jessica from the doll but Jessica starts to throw another tantrum calling for her Daddy. Then she gets a Devil Voice saying “I WILL KILL YOU”. Now I understand that the Elliot is overworked and I get that he is stressed. But I think he is missing a lot when he just dismisses his wife as being crazy.
The next day she goes to visit the archaeologist Resnick, Rip Torn. He tells the nature of the Sanzia devil child. Also “If she can dodge a wrench she can dodge a doll.” Well no but that would be funny. Then she visit’s Camilla’s sister who is a nun that tells Marilyn that she is too late. Marilyn goes home to see Jimmy scared about the living doll. The doll is now talking and really obvious and goofy now. Marilyn grabs Jessica and a shotgun and is almost out the door when the doll attacks with a knife.
The doll tells Jessica to beat the shit out of her Mother so she does. Jimmy gets the shot gun and gives a laughable “play with this bitch” before blowing the plastic freak to kingdom come. I guess that snaps Jessica out of it. Meanwhile at the Factory the other dolls have cut the power and are tying up Elliot. Resnick arrives in time to save him. Then the family shows up. Resnick gives them dynamite. Even the 7th grader gets some to blow up the cave.
The dolls fight back for all its worth but they are no match for dynamite. Soon they are dead and the screen fades to black. I am glad it doesn’t give us a twist end but dammit what a pointless movie. It bugs me that that spoiled daddy’s girl issue was never addressed when it was clearly a part of the plot. Little trivia for you though. That little brat Jessica would go on to voice Cera the Triceratops in all the “Land Before Time” movies.
On another note I am getting closer and closer to the 100th review. If anyone has a suggestion for something special I should do let me know. Also if you have any movies that you think is review worthy and wouldn’t mind sending it my way email me at ryansmudd@yahoo.com and we can find a way to make something happen.
Well without further ado let’s review. An American family is on its way to Mexico. The father, Elliot has just become the owner of the Dolly Dearest doll factory. He really makes me sick on the plane ride talking to his daughter like she is the cutest and sweetest little angel around. Even his wife, played by Denise Crosby looks like she sees he is spoiling her. But it’s left unsaid the whole movie which is actually sadder than anything else.
Meanwhile next door to the factory is an excavation of the tomb of Sanzia, which means Satan on Earth and is supposed to be from a Mayan Cult. During the dig an archaeologist dies and releases a mass of evil spirits trapped within the tomb. They race toward the factory and hide out in the dolls. Elliot and family arrive and he takes the kids to check out the new factory with him. It’s a piece of crap sadly.
Still there are a few dolls around and so Jessica, his daughter says she wants one and he gives her one. “My first sale!” he says. Even though he gave it away for free and therefore it can’t really be a sale unless he considers that it was 100% off in which case he is an idiot. He lets his son, Jimmy wander around the excavation which he becomes very interested in. Not the safest place in the world for a 7th grader.
Jessica is VERY creative and names her doll Dolly. Jessica starts to act a little strange. She draws some weird and disturbing pictures and then one day she is coming home with her Mom and she sees a priest blessing the house. She starts throwing a tantrum like she’s Damien from the Omen when he is about to go to church. Then they get home she demands her doll and gives the housekeeper an evil look.
Jessica is more and more obsessed with the doll. Once the housekeeper, Camilla, almost comes close to it with a rosary and she shoves the plates out of her hand right in front of her Mom. Her Mom gives a wishy washy embarrassed apology for her. Had it been me that watched my kid do something so awful she’d be spanked to the Stone Age before she apologized. This kid is clearly manipulating her parent’s emotions with this little Cindy Brady attitude.
One night she is outside in the playhouse with her doll when Camilla sees her and goes to bring her in. She gets locked outside and then when trying to get back inside by sneaking in via the basement she gets electrocuted by the doll. These sorts of doll shenanigans continue as Jimmy sneaks out one night and hitchhikes to the factory. Seriously? In Mexico? I guess the kid is aching to get kidnapped. When he arrives he finds Luis the night watchmen dead in the factory from when the dolls toyed with him with a sewing machine.
Some of the facts Jimmy has researched makes Marilyn, the Mom, a firm believer that her daughter is possessed. She tries one night to separate Jessica from the doll but Jessica starts to throw another tantrum calling for her Daddy. Then she gets a Devil Voice saying “I WILL KILL YOU”. Now I understand that the Elliot is overworked and I get that he is stressed. But I think he is missing a lot when he just dismisses his wife as being crazy.
The next day she goes to visit the archaeologist Resnick, Rip Torn. He tells the nature of the Sanzia devil child. Also “If she can dodge a wrench she can dodge a doll.” Well no but that would be funny. Then she visit’s Camilla’s sister who is a nun that tells Marilyn that she is too late. Marilyn goes home to see Jimmy scared about the living doll. The doll is now talking and really obvious and goofy now. Marilyn grabs Jessica and a shotgun and is almost out the door when the doll attacks with a knife.
The doll tells Jessica to beat the shit out of her Mother so she does. Jimmy gets the shot gun and gives a laughable “play with this bitch” before blowing the plastic freak to kingdom come. I guess that snaps Jessica out of it. Meanwhile at the Factory the other dolls have cut the power and are tying up Elliot. Resnick arrives in time to save him. Then the family shows up. Resnick gives them dynamite. Even the 7th grader gets some to blow up the cave.
The dolls fight back for all its worth but they are no match for dynamite. Soon they are dead and the screen fades to black. I am glad it doesn’t give us a twist end but dammit what a pointless movie. It bugs me that that spoiled daddy’s girl issue was never addressed when it was clearly a part of the plot. Little trivia for you though. That little brat Jessica would go on to voice Cera the Triceratops in all the “Land Before Time” movies.
On another note I am getting closer and closer to the 100th review. If anyone has a suggestion for something special I should do let me know. Also if you have any movies that you think is review worthy and wouldn’t mind sending it my way email me at ryansmudd@yahoo.com and we can find a way to make something happen.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Bloodsucking Babes from Burbank-review with spoilers
With a name like “Bloodsucking Babes from Burbank” I didn’t have high expectations. This shot on shiteo movie was of the quality that you only dream about. It’s the sort of blatant exploitation movie which great to make fun of but when you watch it you are stunned that anyone could even take it remotely seriously.
It starts with a girl staggering about outside as she overlooks the carnage. This character is Sam, she finds a cell phone and calls someone and tells them “body parts….organs….everywhere” sentences….only fragments. She seems troubled, well good thing there is a cut to the good old days in a flash back.
She and her boyfriend Gary are wrestling in their underwear. He tries to get it on with her and she puts the halt on that plan. Instead she leaps up to go watch a web seminar, although it’s clearly a PowerPoint presentation. It’s claiming to be an Archaeology seminar. Some old guy is giving away trips to Taiwan to the best team who can make the best presentation.
Considering this isn’t for a class and it’s just for the hell of it its sort of shocking no one asks the guy what the hell. But two teams form. One is a team of incredibly stupid girls who want to make a project centered on the phallic symbols of the ancient world. Then there is Chelsea who wants to find a jewelry box of some ancient witch who lived in the Burbank Mountains. It’s would be like someone saying they are looking for the Blair Witch’s make up case.
A fairly large group hikes the Burbank Mountains. Only one of them brought a bag. None thought to bring a jacket or any other field material for an archeological dig. One is even hauling her latte with her. When they stop to look for the box they just sort of kick the leaves where they think it might be like some kids who dropped their car keys in the leaves and are hoping it’ll turn up.
At least they aren’t nearly as painful to watch as the idiot girls with the phallic crap to talk about. They giggle like Beavis and Butt-head every two seconds about the pictures in their research books and then sputter out a line which it’s clear they can barely read. I’m serious they are so bad they dubbed girly laughter over some of the inane chatter.
Some of the group gives up on the Chelsea and say good luck finding the “Abdominal snowman”. A girl named Wendy and a dude named Josh stumble across the mystery box and open it up. It has gemstones like you would find in the bottom of a fishbowl. Wendy is somehow compelled to rub them all over her semi-nude body.
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| Time wounds all heels. |
Then she bites Josh. I guess he was paralyzed with fear since all he could do was stand there like a dipshit while she literally chews his arm off. Meanwhile the inane girls are STILL yammering about stone cocks. I do like at least they don’t seem to notice that flies are landing on them during the film shooting. Way to class up the movie.
The local gardener is hooting like a Tusken Raider at the girls and making an ass of himself saying things like “I want to suck your blood.” Not creepy at all. Wow jump cut so fast we get whiplash to a bar where Chelsea is with friends. Apparently Rex Kwon Do and the Son of Sam are so interested in buying her friends a drink when they refuse they call her a lesbian. Not the smoothest line in the book. Zach, a redneck who has been following her from the woods steals her purse but returns it only to get a well deserved martini glass to the head.
Gary takes Sam to his place where he lives with his Grandma. There he decides to attempt to go down on her. Sam gets offended and leaves. Through magic he has the jewelry box now so he takes it with him. Chelsea is showering when a girl named Fawn shows up. She offers to help her dry off. Weird. Then I guess she changes her mind because she leaves and now Zach is there waiting to assault her.
Zach throws her on the bed which I am sure wouldn’t calm anyone you just met down. She accepts what he has to say about the evil of the box and the dead boy he found in the woods. Gary joins the team with the stupid girls bringing the jewelry box. It’s not anything special. It seriously looks like something you can get at a Renaissance Fair. Chelsea and Zach visit the Granny and get no real results.
Gary is videotaping the girls with the box. All they do is dance around with it. All of a sudden there is a vampire girl trying to get a guy who is armed with a knife. Chelsea tries to help out the knife wielder but accidentally gets stabbed in the process. Don’t miss her too bad folks. They will replace her right quick.
Gary decides time to move on and gets it on with the heavy set girl of the group. Meanwhile the others open the box and rub themselves down with the gems. They sprout fangs that you can find for free at the dentist office and their eyes get big through really bad CGI. Idiot gardener approaches them and they attack him making cat noises.
They eat him which gets Gary and Chubby’s attention. Chubby starts rubbing herself with stones too and Gary leaves with the box. Zach is at a bar when a girl named Felicity shows up. Sam goes to the stupid girls place to confront Gary and finds the girls eating people. We are now back to the beginning. For whatever reason a nerdy vampire spots Felicity and runs forcing a chase for no reason. Zach gets Sam to call Gary so they can meet and hopefully get the box.
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| Vampires are always looking for their necks victim. |
They go to a beach to meet. A couple is doing sexy stuff to one another when Zach is walking around looking for Gary. The girls the guy is with find stones and tear him apart. They start with his thumb, which, I swear grew at least 4 times in size when ripped off. Then a guy with a metal detector finds a few of them, since I guess they are metallic gems (????). Zach takes them from him and tosses them into the sea where they are destroyed.
As if we haven’t seen the end of the metal detector guy he comes across a severed arm with a ring on it. Pulling off the ring he says “Fucking gangsters.” Oh my, the hilarity. So back at the bar Felicity and Zach just miss Gary come in. Felicity gets a motel room for the two of them and after reminiscing looking at a weak website they have some goofy poorly lit sex.
Back at the bar Gary isn’t making friends. His behavior causes some women to bust open the box spilling the gems which causes all the women in the bar to go nuts and change into lame cannibals. “Damn, this can’t be happening” the bartender says with all the gravitas of seeing a toilet overflow. Gary goes to Sam to tell her he’s tried to destroy the box but it won’t be destroyed. She tells him it must be cast back into the fires from whence it was forged; that or the ocean.
Felicity and Zach are attacked so they tied up their assailant. They go to the beach to be rid of the artifact once and for all. Some chump is there saying he wants to study it. They buy his BS at first and give him the box. Then chase him down and get it back only to discover he is an actor paid $50 to get it from them. Felicity gives him a half hearted karate kick to send him packing.
We see that it was chubby girl who sent the actor. They toss a bag with the box and Felicity, Sam and Zach stare at the ocean for a bit. The Archeology web seminar congratulates Sam and Gary for their work. Sam tells Gary she is ready to get it on. She comes out in a teddy and it’s revealed she switched the boxes at the beach. She wanted to keep the artifact for herself. Not to use of course. Just to own something of value. Like saying you own a powerful atomic weapon you don’t intend on using but you like it for aesthetic reasons.
Granny shows up and says she saw the box as she was cleaning and liked the gems inside. Then she gets the fake fangs and the stupid looking big eyes and starts eating Gary while Sam watches leaving her in a crying heap. Ugh. I’ve seen better acting and production values in porno movies. This is one you have to see to believe. It’s natural disaster level rotten.
Monday, January 3, 2011
Suck-review with spoilers
Well here is a movie that has no subterfuge about what it is. Yes, it’s a vampire movie and it’s a piece of crap. I thought it might be tolerable at least but as you watch it, it is obvious how stupid they want you to be, or high, or both.
It starts off with a radio DJ talking like he wants to make sweet love to the mic. Except he also tells all the women of his past they may need to get checked out. Nice start. We see a bad CGI bat fly next to the stereotypical lighted BAR sign. Because many movie signs just have BAR bars and I suppose they serve generic Beer brand beer. He starts playing a tune from a band we shortly see live. They are called “The Winners” and they are awful.
Into the Bar bar comes the most obvious looking vampire since Nosferatu. This freak has grey skin, pointed teeth, hair like a rats nest and has fangs on a necklace. Looks like Alice Cooper tends bar. Dave Foley is this shitty band’s Manager and he is telling this band to fire him. Jennifer the bass player is smitten with the freak. Alice Cooper gives a free beer to the loser band leader Joey.
Alice Cooper gives him another round and gives Joey, the band leader some advice saying he can read minds. It’s pretty much like in “Wayne’s World” where he starts talking about the history of Milwaukee. Does this guy know how to party or what? So the band steps outside Joey tells them they will all need to sleep together in the hearse they drove in. Jennifer would rather sleep with Dracula 2000 over here so she goes with him much to the chagrin of Joey who pouts as she leaves.
Now we have shot after shot of the most emo vampires just sitting on their asses while the stupid one that brought Jennifer starts SINGING. Good lord I would kill for Blade to show up and beat this shit-stabber senseless. But we get some footage of her changing, I guess. Oh look now the band is now crossing Abbey Road. Even though they said it’s Montreal. Like they are EVEN close to the Beatles in any way, shape, or form.
A girl named Susan is dancing on a planet on a movie set when Joey approaches her for money. He acts like a douche to her even though he is asking for a favor. After getting the money they are practicing. Jennifer surprises them. She is now obviously a vampire too. She is so white you can read off her in the dark. But all Joey can think to say is, “You look different.”
Eddie Van Helsing (McDowell) is staking a vampire. Trying to look for a vampire named Queenie. He finds out about the band playing that night. I guess Joey is playing his crappy songs when Eddie shows up at his gig Jennifer is seen without a reflection and next thing you know Joey’s head is nailed with a bottle when Susan chucks it at him because she is jealous of Jennifer. While he is unconscious he appears at the crossroads with Alice Cooper to give advice.
Eddie goes to find Jennifer because apparently the last thing she said was she was hungry. We get a flash back of young Eddie and….Fuck me. That’s not Eddie that’s Alex from “Clockwork Orange” They either found a kid that looked like Alex or they found a way to age McDowell really well for that flashback. Apparently his woman was taken by the same shmuck who is clearly a vampire.
So since Jennifer is road tripping with them from Toronto to Buffalo. I take it the vampires don’t get killed from sunlight. They get pulled over by the border guard. Jennifer is wearing enough clothes and makeup to make the invisible man uncomfortable. The guard pulls them aside and it seems like he is going to bust them for whatever reason but when he finds out they were in a band decides they are kindred spirits. This doesn’t stop Jennifer from puking in her purse at the border. “That takes me back” the guard says.
So they stop at a rest stop to get something to settle her stomach. The counter geek is drinking a soda and he thinks she is flirting with him. She takes his straw and jams in into his neck and drinks his blood. Hugo, one of the band mates comes upon this and she tells him she is sick and needs help. He can help her by chopping up this body and getting rid of the corpse. Jennifer uses her dominate discipline on Hugo to convince him to do her bidding and she’ll make him an immortal at the end of the tour. If not she’ll kill him.
He agrees so they soon get back on the road. Eddie is still on their tail. The DJ is on for a second just long to make you wonder what the hell the point is. Then we see more shitty rock groups. The band starts getting high with another band’s guy. But he’s an ass. He goes to get it one with Jennifer and it goes about as well as you’d think.
Hugo goes to get rid of the body of the ass. He’s really come into being Jennifer’s ghoul well. He is even eating flies like Renfield. The band comes to check out the situation so they walk on Jennifer eating that guy. So they decide to have a band meeting as they figure she is the best aspect of the band thus far and to kick her out would be stupid.
She now has fun telling them her superpowers, heightened speed, strength, she can communicate with other vampires with her mind and turn into fog. So they set ground rules with her. Involving no murders, only eating animals and honesty. Oh good another DJ scene and now they are making a music video I guess?
Ahh Victor the man they are coming to see to record with is played by Iggy Pop. Now we get to hear Jennifer sing. Iggy Pop knows that she is a vampire. He gives a bunch of advice. He does call Joey a poser, wanker, and a dick. So I do like him for that. Well Jennifer has turned most of the band to vampires. Except Hugo, they are kind of screwing him on that one.
Joey takes some drugs are the gig on accident and hallucinate as he sings some crappy tune. Joey starts to ball them out about how they are bad people and what not but they hear Eddie behind the door so they turn to mist and vanish. Oh crap. The DJ this whole time is played by Henry Rollins. The DJ insults them which is actually pretty funny. I imagine eating his thick neck is going to be treat to three vampires.
It turns out it’s an awesome PR stunt since the crowd loves that Rockin’ Roger got killed on the air. Alice Cooper is still at the crossroad reading Joey’s mind. Joey decides to stop being a Mother Hen and wants to go vampire. So now they are all vampire except Hugo. Oh and as for Eddie Hugo points him out to the bouncer as someone selling drugs so he gets dragged out.
Joey can’t handle the change. He doesn’t like watching the other’s feed so he goes to mope. Iggy Pop is there to hand out advice on fame. Now there are a lot of puns about vampire. There is a short montage of papers saying they are big and famous now. Soon they are on a jet. Joey says they can be human again to Jennifer. Eddie shows up and tells them if they can kill the original vampire then they can become human. The vampire lord is really stupid. Not only is hair like carrot top he invites them in and in no time only to get impaled by a guitar.
Six months later. They are living the life of middle-class suburbia. They get a flat and what do you know it’s a cross road with Alice Cooper who sprouts huge black wings saying he want to put the band back together. Jennifer seems on board but Joey looks like he wants to shit himself.
What a piece of crap. A couple funny lines from Henry Rollins when you know it’s him but otherwise it’s awful. It’s polluted with lousy music filler and really lame plot developments. Plus I am so sick of vampire characters that are morose by their condition. So annoying. What a colossal waste of time.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
The Human Centipede-review
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| There is no "I" in Human Centipede...oh wait. |
I am not going to go into too much detail on this one. Frankly people have talked this one to death. Plus comedian Daniel Tosh did a spoiler on his show “Tosh.0” so I would not be doing much service to reveal anything. I have watched this movie a few times though and a few people have asked me what I thought of it.
I actually kind of like it. It’s strange and yet horrific. The mad scientist played by Dieter Laser, whose name already sounds like a mad scientist, gives a very distinct and over the top performance. Akhiro Kitamura also did a decent job considered what a strange movie it was.
I think what makes it so popular is the fact that it’s seeing folks sewn ass to mouth. It’s like hearing about two girls and one cup. Now pretty much everyone has seen it out of shear curiosity. I do remember seeing previews for it in Bear’s Tooth and hearing folks laughing their asses off when they saw what the human centipede looked like.
I can imagine with the popularity it’s generated it’ll make a sequel. And of course since it was called the “First Sequence” why not? But the story really would have to come from a different direction unless it’s a prequel. But I didn’t find it nearly as bad as some of the other crap I see. It’s exactly what you expect it to be: A dark horror story about a mad surgeon with some ass-to-mouth interests. Enjoy!
Death of a Ghost Hunter-review
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| I sure hope that isn't a talent meter she is reading. |
I am a fan of “Ghost Adventures” mostly because it’s absolutely ridiculous and it’s posing as real science when it’s really three goof balls running around in the dark scaring each other. This movie is pretty poorly made. That is its biggest downfall. The actors wouldn’t be able to find work as extras in Godzilla movies.
The music is even noticeably awful. It’s a plain riff that sounds like a cat is walking on a piano. All in all it’s a boring and predictable movie that holds its trump card until the very end and even then it’s not a very satisfying end.
The acting is painful at times. The exposition is given in such a rush you’d think the actress had a pistol to her head. It comes off without a breath. At least you can at least tell how they saved a ton for this already low budget by having all of two locations for this movie.
I can’t say I recommend it. It’s not scary but I’ll give you this you can make fun of it easily and that can make it entertaining if you are looking for cheesy horror. It tries far too hard to be clever at the end which makes would have been nice if it was spread throughout the movie as developed plot rather than one big explosive reveal.
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