Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Grizzly Rage- review with spoilers

            So I heard about this movie from a friend of mine.  In terms of awful bear movies it is better than “Claws” and a lot worse than “The Edge” if that puts it in any perspective.  If you have no idea what those movies are like than I can just say this movie was a made for cables release in Canada that it’s incredibly painful. It stars no one likable except a bear who in real life I read is a friendly male named Koda that digs on marshmallows.
            The movie starts with a Jeep full of four recent graduates.  Judging by their age I’d suspect college but judging by their maturity you’d think middle school.  For the entire first half of the movie they refer to one another by “Dude”, “Man” and “Bro” so because I don’t have a clue what their names are I will give them nicknames based on their looks.  One guy dresses as Hunter Thompson, thus he shall be called.  One is clad in head scarf so his name is Scarf-head for this review.  The last chunk head wanders around in a tank top so he has earned the moniker Tank top.   The token girl we will just call Bimbo. 

            So they are on their road trip and spouting dialogue that seems to have been learned from the Eli Roth School of screen writing when they decide to take a detour and tear up some nature. This is after a few minutes of the director giving us shots of the mileage going up.  Thanks for that.  So the newly graduated folks decide the best way to show their next step into adulthood is to commit a crime by driving through the chains that block the road off to public use.  Then they use the winch on their Jeep to get further into the woods when the come across a metal fence.

            They spin doughnuts in the woods. Driving like assholes until they hit a tree and realize they hit and killed a bear cub.  By this point they don’t care one bit about doing the right thing so they just leave as Mamma Grizzly roars a very pissed sound that is less bear like and more the sound of a prehistoric monster.  At least this movie helped me not give a hoot in hell about ANY of these characters.  Frankly, I want them all to die.

Oh no! The bear got the  CGI blood on the camera!
            The kids are either deaf or the Grizzly has such an amazing stealth skill that we see POV shots of her sneaking up on the assholes like she was the Predator.  The assholes separate to find water to attempt to get some for the Jeep.  Hunter Thompson finds some in what looks like the Dead Marshes of Lord of the Rings.  Too bad he didn’t hear the bear.  It sneaks up behind him and swipes at his face. For some reason his head manages to stay on.   Instead we get a cheap CGI blood splatter on the camera as if that adds to the realism.

            After they find out Hunter Thompson is dead Bimbo starts yelling at the boys about how she told them not to go on this detour. One of the guys shouts back “We get it. You’re a genius and we’re all a bunch of tools.”  Well, that is half right.  Scarf-head decides he is going to attempt to hike for help he arms himself with a tire iron and starts running.  I should mention that if you are up against a Grizzly bear in a fight a tire iron will do squat.  In a straight up fight the best you can do is shit yourself in the hopes that it makes you taste worse for the bear.

            Scarf-head does find a remote cabin.  It’s spooky inside but let’s play a wee game.  It’s called:  “Guess what he finds”
  1. Aborted fetuses in jars.
  2. The corpse of David Carradine
  3. An animated squirrel that commands him to kill.
  4. Absolutely FUCKING nothing.
If you guessed D. you are right and I’m so sorry but you’re time was wasted.  Oh no.  Scarf-head sees the bear.  It manages to sneak up on him and punt his ass through a chicken coop. He manages to make it back to the others at the Jeep despite being very badly injured albeit a bloodless injury from a bear.  Scarf-head must be Wolverine or something.

I know there is a bear around here somewhere.  Probably just my imagination.
            Then Tank top starts getting depressed and asking Bimbo several times “Why is this happening to us?”  Are you really wondering that dipshit?  I can think of a few reasons.  Tank top goes to scale a cliff to see if he can get cell phone reception.  It’s a no go so he howls in anguish.  He gets back to the car and they talk about regrets.  Before the T-Rex from Jurassic Park, I mean the Grizzly topples the Jeep. 

            In a scene transition that could give whiplash it’s suddenly Night.  Scarf-head mentions seeing a bear trap in the cabin.  So they go off to get it.  Bimbo decides to go grab it since Tank top has a weak leg after the car topple.  The camera work would make you think this is a spooky thing to wander around the cabin.  But it’s not as if Jason Voorhees is going to pop out behind a corner it’s a fucking Grizzly Bear outside.  It does however swipe at her through the wall causing her to impale herself on the trap a bit. 

There can be only one!
            She makes it back to the car but the bear gets Scarf-head and drags him away.  Tank top decides he is going to blow up the Jeep.  When he does it doesn’t do jack shit.  So then he climbs a tree and takes off his clothes in the hopes of tricking the bear into leaving the girl alone for her to escape.  Meanwhile she devises a Rube Goldberg style trap.  It eventually captures the bear and locks him inside of the cabin. 

            They celebrate and begin to leave hand in hand when the bear breaks free.  Tank top falls and the girl won’t leave him so the bear kills them both with the same lame CGI blood wipe that we got earlier in this shitty movie. At least the unlikable shitheads die.  That makes it somewhat of a happy ending. 

            This is an awful movie.  It’s got no talent, no effects, and a laughable story.  The characters are one dimensional and completely unlikable.  If you really want to see a bear movie I recommend “Grizzly Man” at least that is real.  If you want fiction with talent behind it see “The Edge”.  This one is just pathetic.  

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