Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Zombie Wars-review with spoilers

I need a better hobby.
            There are way too many shitty zombie movies out there.  I know the genre is popular and it seems like there is no real end to the fan base thus far for the post apocalyptic scenario.  With that in mind, is the direct to DVD movie “Zombie Wars” any good?  Not really. 

            That doesn’t mean it’s worth seeing either.  A turd by any other name is still a piece of shit.  This movie takes a scenario that should have been cake to write about and adds so many plot holes the script must have looked like Swiss cheese.  It starts with a woman narrator telling us “Nobody knows exactly how it happened. Some think it was the tail of a comet that passed to close too the earth, while others believed that it was simply time for man to atone for thousands of years of sinning. Whatever the reason, the dead had risen from the ground, and they were hungry!”

            Ok I should not have to explain how stupid this is already.  For one if the dead were coming from the ground then how the shits are they breaking out of their coffins and coming up the six or so feet of grave dirt to the surface? That is some powerful moves for the dead.    Either way the movie takes place 50 years after they started rising and now they are enslaving people. 

How many ways does this movie bite?
            But not only do zombies enslave the living to work on their farms.  They RAISE them like cattle.  So somehow I am to believe the walking dead who haven’t mastered speech, writing or anything else have been able master farming and even enslave others and get them to do their work for them even though the slaves cannot comprehend what the masters are grunting (which sounds like dogs barking).  If this sounds like horseshit to you too welcome to my world.

            It’s okay though. The heroes are brothers, David and Brian.  They kill zombies and free the slaves only to put them in a cage back at base until they can be re-educated.  David is way into one of the slave girls despite her inability to speak.  He names her Star.  This is supposed to be charming but I find more than a little creepy.

            The General is a woman who has a thing for Brian and is so young it’s about as believable she achieved the rank of General in a military in the same way that I spotted a unicorn on the road.   Zombies attack the base and take David and Star as slaves to their secret camp and there he learns the secrets of their ways.

            Oh I could waste time telling you how he goes about finding out from a Christian Slater impersonator what is happening.  But seriously you should not be invested in these people.  They are total assholes.  Oh and idiots too. When surrounded by an entire fucking camp it takes until he gets soap for David to realize that the zombies must be getting their supplies from somewhere since they can’t be making this. 

            Well, wait now.  If the zombies are raising people as a food source since birth then they will need things like knowledge of medicine and clothing and much more.  So clearly they either know how to do this shit or they are being told how.  You don’t need to be a detective to figure that one out.  Alas sure enough it’s supposed to be a huge secret that the town nearby has been giving them supplies to make this camp.
Didn't this guy play Edgar in MIB?

            Man that is stupid.  That is like the Umbrella Corporation continuing to do evil shit through the rest of the Resident Evil movies even though the world is toast.  Anyway Star goes off screen and David goes off to look for her and gets his brains blown out looking for her by accident.  But it’s okay because his legacy will live on in that she is pregnant with his son. 

            Another uninspired zombie movie with characters you don’t give a hoot in hell about with forced romances and a plot that is so bizarre it comes off like a high school student wrote it.   I am going to be so happy when they start showing things that I am excited to see in the theater again.  Like “Red Riding Hood” and “Sucker Punch” that way I can give some of the tasteless shit a rest.   


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