Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Thirty of some of the worst movies I’ve seen and why they haunt me.  

30. Hitman- This movie tried so hard to be something clever when it was anything but.  How is he so hard to find? He’s a spear bald assassin with a barcode on his head.
29. Bloodrayne- Uwe Boll can’t direct.  Once again he proves this by making a movie where costumes are jokes, the dialogue is out of an Ed Wood movie and nudity is gratuitous.
28. Date Movie- All of these types of movies are wretched. This one tops the list.  Why can’t they ever get the genre they are supposed to mock correct.  Napoleon Dynamite and Kill Bill are not romance movies. They are like Jackson Pollock just throwing crap onto the wall to see what sticks by naming relevant things and hoping it’s funny.
27. Drop Dead Fred- How is this funny?  Fred is a tool.  The girl is mental unbalanced and this movie isn’t charming in anyway.
26. Lost in Space- William Hurt is the world’s most monotone and boring man. So they give him the role as the father. Brilliant. Oh and Joey from friends is there. Did anyone care?  No.
25. Quest for Camelot- A cartoon from a company imitating Disney’s style but without any of its talent for story or basic narrative.
24. AVP- There is no way an Alien or Predator movie should ever be pg-13.  But when this stinker came out not only was it made with the kiddies in mind it cast a woman who shows no emotion through the whole movie.  Cheers to Sanaa Lathan! One of the few women I know who can hold the same expression if she makes a new friend or gets burned with acid on her cheek.
23. Clerks 2- This sequel is such garbage.  It makes me sad because it cheapens my liking of the original.  The script is lackluster, the characters are one dimensional and I am pretty sure Kevin Smith made the movie to make rent that year.
22. Piranha 3D- A “Jaws” rip-off with a star studded cast. But a paper thin plot that would be perfect for the Syfy channel.
21. Manos: The Hands of Fate- Horrifying camera work and sound quality for the dubbed voices.  Also did it really need to end on the note of pedophilia?
20. Hobgoblins- This was a rip-off of “Gremlins” with cheap puppets instead of animatronics.
19. Monster A-Go-Go- I’ve never seen a boom mic in a movie so many times.  Plus you can hear a guy impersonate a phone sound off screen.  Why?  Could they not afford a real phone call?  That is weak.
18. Dungeons and Dragons- Imagine a reverse Roger Rabbit where the entire world is crappy CGI and a handful of people are real.  Now imagine they are acting worse than most high school actors in productions of the “Our Town” and there you are.  You’ve got Dungeon’s and Dragons.
17. Super Mario Bros- Nothing like the game at all. A British man and a Latino go into another dimension to fight Dennis Hopper.  Yeah, that sounds like Super Mario Bros. to me.
15. Survival of the Dead- I’ve seen soap operas that avoid the “She’s my twin sister” ruse because it’s hackneyed.  This movie wallows in it.
14. Splice- What do you do when you create an unholy abomination of science? Have sex with it of course.
13. Armageddon- Inside the Michael Bay racial stereotypes and good old fashioned explosions this movie is just a gamut of effects porn with hollow characters.
12. Legion- A blatant Terminator rip-off with a terrible script and characters that give no reason to care if they live or die.
11. Transformers- The robots are cool. The human element is unwanted and unneeded and sadly they take up a ton of time mincing up the screen.
10. My Bloody Valentine (latest version) - Why the hell would you make the hero the unlikable cheating husband?  Screw you movie.
9. Godzilla (1998) - Godzilla should not be able to be killed by missiles.  This movie was a rip-off of “The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms” and “Jurassic Park” with the whole baby Godzilla/raptor chase.
8. GI Joe: Rise of Cobra- Wow, we are supposed to root for a guy who left his fiancé at her brother’s funeral.  Nuts to that.
7. Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen- Worse than the original with the human element.  The movie had countless comedy relief characters that were not funny.  Also it had a run time that was longer than most Kurosawa movies.  That is too damn long.
6. Fantastic Four- Two words “DO SOMETHING!” Also Jessica Alba is a terrible actress. I will never believe she is a scientist. I can hardly believe she is off script most of the time she is on screen. The sequel is trash too.
5. Batman and Robin- A Bat credit card? The script makes you long for Adam West and Burt Ward to just swing in and take over this campy garbage.
4. Highlander 2: the Quickening- They took an amazing movie and made it about aliens.  There are holes in the plot you can drive a truck through.  There should have really been only one.
3. House of the Dead- Best back and forth EVER! “You created it all so you could be immortal, why?”  “To live forever.”  Way to go, Uwe Boll.
2. Claws- This is a very low budget “Jaws” rip-off where instead of a shark it’s a bear.
1. Kazaam- Shaq as a rapping genie with attitude.  This movie is the worst. I hate the kid, I hate the genie and I hated anyone that had something to do with this wretched piece of celluloid.

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