Well to the movies credit the stylistic choice of taking a movie made in 2009 and making it in the same format and style of a 1980s horror flick is a neat concept. The acting for it was not bad and as far as ideas go it’s not all that bad. Where it fails epically is that it’s got about 30 minutes of footage of the main actor being bored. If you want your audience to become bored, have them watch someone else being bored for a while. Nothing says griping cinema like watching someone fritter away their time.
The main character is a younger Karen Allen lookalike named Samantha who is a college student who has begun renting a house to get away from her roommate who is a slob who stays up all night banging guys. The landlady is realistic enough to waive the security deposit since she likes the cut of Samantha’s jib. Samantha still has to get some fast cash to make the first month. So she spies a flier that just says Babysitter wanted. She calls the number on a payphone and is immediately called back.
The man on the end says he wants to meet her outside the Student Affairs office. This is the first instance we watch Sam being bored. She waits and waits and waits some more before she realized she was stood up. Then she goes to get pizza with her friend Megan. They bitch about what happened and Megan says she out to tear down all the fliers on campus as petty vengeance. Sam thinks that idea is stupid. She goes back to her dorm where she lays on her bed and is BORED. Her roommate wakes up and tells her the guy called her.
She calls him back and he apologizes profusely for being last minute. He also says he will pay $100 if she agrees to babysit tonight. She agrees since she really needs the cash. Having no car she bums a ride from Megan who on the way shows her in the back seat she has taken down all the fliers herself in the name of petty vengeance. Now Sam knows how she got the job. They arrive at the nice house. Mr. Ullman is there to greet the two women.
He is evasive but explains that the babysitting thing was just a ruse to get her to come over. She'll actually be looking after his mother-in-law she is really not game at first but he raises the fee to $400 for the night. So the Ullman and his wife leave saying that they are going into town to watch the lunar eclipse tonight. They old lady upstairs can take care of herself for the most part and Sam will be fine. Megan takes off saying she’ll come back at 12:30am.
Megan parks next to a graveyard to light up a smoke. A bearded guy teleports out of nowhere to light her cigarette scarring her half to death. He asks “You’re not the babysitter?” she says no and he shoots her in the face which shocked the hell out of me. Then he deftly picks up the cigarette out of her dead hands and finishes it. Damn! Hope you enjoyed that bit of thrill because it’s going to be dull for a long while now.
Sam is bored for a while so we watch her watch a little TV. She plays pool. She dances around listening to music and looks at a fishbowl. She dorks around the old man’s desk. She digs around the place a bit and you get the hint the place is evil. One of the rooms that Sam decides not to enter has three dead bodies in it but she doesn’t ever see that. Finally she gets a delivery of pizza. But it’s delivered by the bearded killer. She takes a bite and spits it out. It doesn’t take her long to go upstairs and fall down drugged. Must be strong stuff to still cause a person to pass out after a single bite and having it be spit out.
Sam wakes up on an alter with a pentagram on it. A freaky looking creature that looks like Rocky Dennis in “Mask” is there along with the Ullmans and the bearded guy all in black cloaks. The freaky creature cuts itself and draws a pentagram on her stomach and then makes her drink blood. Sam breaks free and manages to stab Mr. Ullman. She gouges out the bearded dude’s eye and escapes to their kitchen where she trips over Megan’s body.
She proceeds to arm herself with a knife and runs upstairs. Now a Cyclops and pissed bearded guy goes upstairs after her with a gun. He shoots her in the arm and but Sam manages to slice at his throat. Holy shit! At least she isn’t totally helpless. Mrs. Ullman goes after her and tells her how useless it is to fight it. Sam shanks her in the back. Sam tries to dial 911 but is assaulted by psychic visions of the creature looking more and more demonic.
Now Sam gets the gun and is running outside through the graveyard. Mr. Ullman is still bleeding profusely and chasing after her. He tells her to go ahead and shoot since he is the messenger for someone else. He asks Sam to follow the voices in her head. She puts the gun to her head and pulls the trigger. Next we see a hospital room where a nurse is tending to her. “You’ll be okay.” then she pats her stomach, “both of you.”
See at 1 hour 35 minutes I really was wondering when something was going to happen. She hung around that evil house for way too long. Either, give her something to do to make me care that she is on screen or don’t show her. But don’t show you’re main character bored. At one point she turns on the TV and “Night of the Living Dead” is on. I’m sure because it’s public domain but it really rose my spirits cause I wanted the dumbass to watch it rather that fritter her night away some more. How sad is that? Still it’s not an awful movie. “Rosemary’s Baby” did it all better though.
Showing posts with label spoilers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label spoilers. Show all posts
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
2001 Maniacs-a review with spoilers
I’ll admit it. I watched this because Robert Englund is damn funny. I mean the guy knows he is type cast by now but he seems to know what side his bread is buttered on so he at least toasts it with a shit-eating-grin the whole time. So our story is a 2005 movie partially produced by Eli Roth. That makes me laugh a bit too. Honestly, I think he’s gotten better over time. When you see stuff like “The Last Exorcism” it really put his gore garbage and torture porn in its place.
Anyway we see a montage of civil war images. This leads to a college classroom taught by awesome character actor Peter Stormare (“Vee believe in nothing Lebowski”) three tools are in the class room acting up and making the students laugh. He takes them aside and tells them they need to re-write their papers on the American Civil war or they will be expelled. Who wrote this? No college professor talks like this. If your paper sucks their TA grades it and you move on or continue to suck and drop the class at the last minute to spare your GPA. The three tools decide to go on a road trip to Daytona.
As they drive in their open top convertible they hit an armadillo which sprays way too much gore into the window. Eli Roth pops up with Dr. Mambo his Dog. Some of you might also be sad movie nuts enough to recall this was his same character from “Cabin Fever”. Don’t worry they ditch him on the road though. So they stop at a gas station where a gas station attendant says they’ll be pushing up daisies by midnight. You’d think that this would matter or they would add this guy in some part of the story. Nope, this is the last we see of this inbred weirdo.
At the station we also meet another group of folks who seem to be headed in the same direction. Two sexy girls and a guy who might as well have “kill me” tattooed on their foreheads. So the three tools drive further until they realize they are lost. They see a detour sign that is clearly pained by one of the little rascals complete with a backwards e. As they pull up to the town of Pleasant Valley (population 2001) they are greeted by the whole town including Mayor George W. Buckman, played by Englund. He is dressed in his Colonel Sanders best complete with a confederate flag eye patch. Oh lord.
The town is holding a “Guts and Glory Jubilee.” Suddenly another car arrives. It’s the other folks from the gas station. Then a biker couple approaches. An African American guy and his Asian American girlfriend step off the bike. Frankly, as that couple I’d have pulled a U-turn the second I saw all the confederate flags. “A Negro and a Chinaman!” The Mayor proclaims. Yep, this will go well for them.
They all find they town full of colorful rednecks. However, the booze flows and the women are easy so everyone is more than willing to stay with these stereotypes. One of the girls hooks up with the ass that played Deputy Winston in “Cabin Fever” she thinks he is being kinky but he ends up drawing and quartering her. Another dummy decides to try some special moonshine from a girl but OH NO! It’s really acid. They begin to think something is up. Turns out they are also cooking the bodies. So it’s like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" only not good.
One guy gets run through the ass with a spear. The Asian American Girl is crushed with a bell and the African American is crushed with millstone. Oh yeah and one tool gets his junk gnawed off by a girl with shark dentures. Two remain. They show that they are serving them as food by serving their heads on platters. Really, that is lazy cannibalism. They are serving uncooked heads on platters. So the tool boy rescues the girl and they make an escape on the biker’s motorcycle. They run to the police station to tell them what happened.
As a group they all drive back. Only to discover Pleasant Valley was a graveyard the whole time. Apparently the town was all Confederates trying to get vengeance for the Yankees that killed them so they needed 2001 bodies as an eye for an eye or some crap. The two losers get back on their bike they fail to see the barbwire fence one of the ghosts ghouls set up. It decapitates them and their heads are taken by a wandering little idiot back to the spirit world.
What the hell did I just watch? It felt like a joke. There is no reason to have this type of garbage thrown together. It’s just another movie that thrives on urban paranoia. But to literally have ghouls running around singing the south will rise again. WOW! This movie sucks. Even if you are just looking for a so bad it’s good movie just give it a miss.
Anyway we see a montage of civil war images. This leads to a college classroom taught by awesome character actor Peter Stormare (“Vee believe in nothing Lebowski”) three tools are in the class room acting up and making the students laugh. He takes them aside and tells them they need to re-write their papers on the American Civil war or they will be expelled. Who wrote this? No college professor talks like this. If your paper sucks their TA grades it and you move on or continue to suck and drop the class at the last minute to spare your GPA. The three tools decide to go on a road trip to Daytona.
As they drive in their open top convertible they hit an armadillo which sprays way too much gore into the window. Eli Roth pops up with Dr. Mambo his Dog. Some of you might also be sad movie nuts enough to recall this was his same character from “Cabin Fever”. Don’t worry they ditch him on the road though. So they stop at a gas station where a gas station attendant says they’ll be pushing up daisies by midnight. You’d think that this would matter or they would add this guy in some part of the story. Nope, this is the last we see of this inbred weirdo.
At the station we also meet another group of folks who seem to be headed in the same direction. Two sexy girls and a guy who might as well have “kill me” tattooed on their foreheads. So the three tools drive further until they realize they are lost. They see a detour sign that is clearly pained by one of the little rascals complete with a backwards e. As they pull up to the town of Pleasant Valley (population 2001) they are greeted by the whole town including Mayor George W. Buckman, played by Englund. He is dressed in his Colonel Sanders best complete with a confederate flag eye patch. Oh lord.
The town is holding a “Guts and Glory Jubilee.” Suddenly another car arrives. It’s the other folks from the gas station. Then a biker couple approaches. An African American guy and his Asian American girlfriend step off the bike. Frankly, as that couple I’d have pulled a U-turn the second I saw all the confederate flags. “A Negro and a Chinaman!” The Mayor proclaims. Yep, this will go well for them.
They all find they town full of colorful rednecks. However, the booze flows and the women are easy so everyone is more than willing to stay with these stereotypes. One of the girls hooks up with the ass that played Deputy Winston in “Cabin Fever” she thinks he is being kinky but he ends up drawing and quartering her. Another dummy decides to try some special moonshine from a girl but OH NO! It’s really acid. They begin to think something is up. Turns out they are also cooking the bodies. So it’s like "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" only not good.
One guy gets run through the ass with a spear. The Asian American Girl is crushed with a bell and the African American is crushed with millstone. Oh yeah and one tool gets his junk gnawed off by a girl with shark dentures. Two remain. They show that they are serving them as food by serving their heads on platters. Really, that is lazy cannibalism. They are serving uncooked heads on platters. So the tool boy rescues the girl and they make an escape on the biker’s motorcycle. They run to the police station to tell them what happened.
As a group they all drive back. Only to discover Pleasant Valley was a graveyard the whole time. Apparently the town was all Confederates trying to get vengeance for the Yankees that killed them so they needed 2001 bodies as an eye for an eye or some crap. The two losers get back on their bike they fail to see the barbwire fence one of the ghosts ghouls set up. It decapitates them and their heads are taken by a wandering little idiot back to the spirit world.
What the hell did I just watch? It felt like a joke. There is no reason to have this type of garbage thrown together. It’s just another movie that thrives on urban paranoia. But to literally have ghouls running around singing the south will rise again. WOW! This movie sucks. Even if you are just looking for a so bad it’s good movie just give it a miss.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Scourge-review with spoilers
I found this little gem on fearnet.com. It’s from 2008 with only one big name behind it, Russell Ferrier. What? You don’t know who that is. I guess you didn’t see “MVP: Most Valuable Primate” or “Death Race” then. But what sane person would see either of those? This movie stars basically nobody and has some incredibly cheap CGI.
In fact the start of this turd starts with a cut of a steeple on a church. A subtitle tells us this is 1871 Haborford. The entire church is clearly CGI. Some cloaked figures that appear to be the wraiths of “Lord of the Rings” drag a man out in chains and attach him to a metal stake during a rain storm. One of their rings shows a cross. Ok, clearly this is wraith about to do the lord’s work. The stake is blasted by 1.21 giggawatts of electricity and the man in chains sprouts tentacles. One of the wraiths uses a clamp to wrestle the demon loose and we jump cut.
150 years later a still CGI steeple leads to a real church which has been in a fire. One of the fire men is digging through the rubble. When finds a hole into the church floor and falls face first onto it. For a bit it looks like he is making love to the ground. But he gets up and starts making sounds like he shit his pants. Cut to Scott, the town bad boy fresh out of his 8 month stint in prison. He rides his motor cycles around looking about as hard as Spongebob Squarepants.
He is accosted by the Sheriff played by Russell Ferrier. He tells him to keep his nose clean and all that clichéd crap. Also he tells Scott to stay away from his niece, Jesse, whom he has a past with. But Scott is a maverick who doesn’t play by anybody’s rules but his own. Jesse sees him and invites him over. They reminisce about all the good times. He mentions he is seeing some girl named, Lydia. This scene is a real taster’s choice moment.
We cut to the fireman who is at the fire station still walking like he shit himself. He walks to the fridge and eats a stick of butter, then drinks bad milk, then sits on the couch eating mayonnaise. What the hell? The other firemen give him a beer and it causes him to run and puke. He goes to shower but sees his skin is starting to come off so he covers up and runs out of the station.
We find out that Scott has taken up hockey. Jesse is watching him and so is Lydia. Meanwhile, fireman freakazoid stubbles onto the ice, walking like alien Edgar from “Men in Black” toward Lydia because he smells booty. Lydia is a tramp and has been cheating on Scott you see so she takes fire man into the dressing room even though he clearly looks like he was run through the ringer.
He gets on his knees and a CGI monster comes out his mouth and goes into her belly button in a really, bad looking effect. “Don’t ever call me again” Lydia says so woodenly I get splinters. Scott finds her and sees the fire man’s badge on the ground. There is the start of what could be a catfight between Lydia and Jesse. But Scott changes the subject to the fire man. Lydia makes up a story and they make plans to go out.
Lydia blows off Scott but Scott follows her to a club. She picks up a guy that looks like the Kurgan from “Highlander”. She is making out with him in the Ladies room and then her eyes go all bloody and she infects him the way the fire man infected her. Scott waits patiently outside the ladies room until the guy bust out. He goes in to confront her. But she falls down dead and basically bursts like a damn pumpkin shell on pavement.
He take off out of the club and runs to Jesse knowing he will get blamed for this by her Sherriff Uncle. Even though staying would be so much easier since I think most people would have a hard time believing a small time car parts thief could turn a girl into soup mix. Most standard weapons don’t do that and since witnesses saw him unarmed it would be a real hard think to believe that he disintegrated a girl with his mind.
So he stays with Jesse. Has a nightmare that she is infected that serves NO PURPOSE except to almost make them kiss. The next day Jesse finds out what kind of trouble he is in and calls the cops. Jesse books it out of there. Meanwhile the Kurgan lookalike is roaming a mall looking for a victim. Ok if a man dressed in bathrobe with bloody eyes is staggering after me. The first thing out of my mouth is “ZOMBIE!” These people are idiots to hang around him like he is normal. Finally he grabs a chick but her husband will have none of his and slugs him causing his jaw to fall halfway off.
So the deputy Fife of the town finally put the bastard down. They put him in a meat wagon and haul him away. Of course the EMT dude gets infected next and he is a skater punk. Jesse hears on the news the report of the mall attack and now believes Scott so she agrees to help him she goes to find out more about this thing from the library. Scott goes to confront the latest victim which must be the EMT guy. He has recently attacked a skater girl so when Scott tells her she has been infected and to come with him they tell him to fuck off. When he grabs her a group of skaters knock him out.
Jesse finds out a lot about the deaths that occurred on microfiche at first I call BS on this thinking how the hell can a person have microfiche of anything in 1871 BUT apparently with a wee research on my part I learned that while it was used for document preservations as early as 1851 it wasn’t until the turn of the century that it’s uses were seized by a wider audience. So the chances of finding a small town paper might likely be rare in those early days. Viva Wikipedia. But basically she finds out she can consult some old hag in town whose relative fought the creature they fought.
Scott is caught by the Sherriff and asked “How’d you do it? Was it a chemical weapon of some sort?” First off small town Sherriff, you know you framed this guy’s dad and he took the fall. So he isn’t exactly criminal mind. Second, where the hell would he get the know- how and connections to wield a chemical weapon that can turn a person into a rotting pumpkin? Finally wouldn’t it make more sense to get actual professionals involved instead of your small town justice?
Scott is placed in a cell. Eventually he gets a cellmate, an older biker dude that tells him about how the Sherriff set up his old man to go to prison. Then he talks about a skater girl who tried to get with him and started throwing up on him. Scott knows this guy is infected. He calls for the guard. The Sherriff arrives and the Sherriff gets in a tangle with the Biker causing the Sherriff to get infected.
Jesse goes to the hags, garage and finds a copy of the necronomicon. So she reads it and rolls against the sanity loss. Then she heads out now having a half a clue how to stop the terror of what’s to come. Scott is finally caught a second time by the police and this time the Sherriff decides he’s just going to outright execute him. Jesse has learned how to teleport and has figured out also how to open the back seat of a police car as well because she has snuck in the back seat and stolen a stun gun. She aims at her Uncle and fires. Tentacles erupt from him. Fearless Fife guns him down. But it takes more than bullets to stop the Sherriff so they get in his car hit him twice and blow him up with CGI fire.
Jesse and Scott relax in a diner thinking they have won only to read the chapter than says the entity cannot be killed that way. So they return to the body. Only to see a fat photographer disguised as a fireman has gotten possessed. They come up with a plan. They see the photographer in a bar eating bowl after bowl of nuts.
Jesse seduces him by saying she wants to sleep with the fattest most disgusting person she can find. Nice. So he agrees, because he has dignity and they go to her hotel room where they electrocute him to get the fiend loose. But it’s not there. Oh somehow it’s magically in Scott. They fight it out and eventually get it put in a decanter. A crusty one eyed man shows up bearing a cross ring like a ring wraith. He wants to see the creature. Next we see it burning. He tells them it has to be a certain temperature to kill them.
Scott and Jesse decide to run off to California together. As a twist we see that the fat photographer is indeed still possessed cause he is found eating flesh in the hospital. Oh man, what a totally by the book horror movie. It’s the not the worst out movie out there, but the lack of trying and the sheer lack of imagination what really makes this a weak flick.
In fact the start of this turd starts with a cut of a steeple on a church. A subtitle tells us this is 1871 Haborford. The entire church is clearly CGI. Some cloaked figures that appear to be the wraiths of “Lord of the Rings” drag a man out in chains and attach him to a metal stake during a rain storm. One of their rings shows a cross. Ok, clearly this is wraith about to do the lord’s work. The stake is blasted by 1.21 giggawatts of electricity and the man in chains sprouts tentacles. One of the wraiths uses a clamp to wrestle the demon loose and we jump cut.
150 years later a still CGI steeple leads to a real church which has been in a fire. One of the fire men is digging through the rubble. When finds a hole into the church floor and falls face first onto it. For a bit it looks like he is making love to the ground. But he gets up and starts making sounds like he shit his pants. Cut to Scott, the town bad boy fresh out of his 8 month stint in prison. He rides his motor cycles around looking about as hard as Spongebob Squarepants.
He is accosted by the Sheriff played by Russell Ferrier. He tells him to keep his nose clean and all that clichéd crap. Also he tells Scott to stay away from his niece, Jesse, whom he has a past with. But Scott is a maverick who doesn’t play by anybody’s rules but his own. Jesse sees him and invites him over. They reminisce about all the good times. He mentions he is seeing some girl named, Lydia. This scene is a real taster’s choice moment.
We cut to the fireman who is at the fire station still walking like he shit himself. He walks to the fridge and eats a stick of butter, then drinks bad milk, then sits on the couch eating mayonnaise. What the hell? The other firemen give him a beer and it causes him to run and puke. He goes to shower but sees his skin is starting to come off so he covers up and runs out of the station.
We find out that Scott has taken up hockey. Jesse is watching him and so is Lydia. Meanwhile, fireman freakazoid stubbles onto the ice, walking like alien Edgar from “Men in Black” toward Lydia because he smells booty. Lydia is a tramp and has been cheating on Scott you see so she takes fire man into the dressing room even though he clearly looks like he was run through the ringer.
He gets on his knees and a CGI monster comes out his mouth and goes into her belly button in a really, bad looking effect. “Don’t ever call me again” Lydia says so woodenly I get splinters. Scott finds her and sees the fire man’s badge on the ground. There is the start of what could be a catfight between Lydia and Jesse. But Scott changes the subject to the fire man. Lydia makes up a story and they make plans to go out.
Lydia blows off Scott but Scott follows her to a club. She picks up a guy that looks like the Kurgan from “Highlander”. She is making out with him in the Ladies room and then her eyes go all bloody and she infects him the way the fire man infected her. Scott waits patiently outside the ladies room until the guy bust out. He goes in to confront her. But she falls down dead and basically bursts like a damn pumpkin shell on pavement.
He take off out of the club and runs to Jesse knowing he will get blamed for this by her Sherriff Uncle. Even though staying would be so much easier since I think most people would have a hard time believing a small time car parts thief could turn a girl into soup mix. Most standard weapons don’t do that and since witnesses saw him unarmed it would be a real hard think to believe that he disintegrated a girl with his mind.
So he stays with Jesse. Has a nightmare that she is infected that serves NO PURPOSE except to almost make them kiss. The next day Jesse finds out what kind of trouble he is in and calls the cops. Jesse books it out of there. Meanwhile the Kurgan lookalike is roaming a mall looking for a victim. Ok if a man dressed in bathrobe with bloody eyes is staggering after me. The first thing out of my mouth is “ZOMBIE!” These people are idiots to hang around him like he is normal. Finally he grabs a chick but her husband will have none of his and slugs him causing his jaw to fall halfway off.
So the deputy Fife of the town finally put the bastard down. They put him in a meat wagon and haul him away. Of course the EMT dude gets infected next and he is a skater punk. Jesse hears on the news the report of the mall attack and now believes Scott so she agrees to help him she goes to find out more about this thing from the library. Scott goes to confront the latest victim which must be the EMT guy. He has recently attacked a skater girl so when Scott tells her she has been infected and to come with him they tell him to fuck off. When he grabs her a group of skaters knock him out.
Jesse finds out a lot about the deaths that occurred on microfiche at first I call BS on this thinking how the hell can a person have microfiche of anything in 1871 BUT apparently with a wee research on my part I learned that while it was used for document preservations as early as 1851 it wasn’t until the turn of the century that it’s uses were seized by a wider audience. So the chances of finding a small town paper might likely be rare in those early days. Viva Wikipedia. But basically she finds out she can consult some old hag in town whose relative fought the creature they fought.
Scott is caught by the Sherriff and asked “How’d you do it? Was it a chemical weapon of some sort?” First off small town Sherriff, you know you framed this guy’s dad and he took the fall. So he isn’t exactly criminal mind. Second, where the hell would he get the know- how and connections to wield a chemical weapon that can turn a person into a rotting pumpkin? Finally wouldn’t it make more sense to get actual professionals involved instead of your small town justice?
Scott is placed in a cell. Eventually he gets a cellmate, an older biker dude that tells him about how the Sherriff set up his old man to go to prison. Then he talks about a skater girl who tried to get with him and started throwing up on him. Scott knows this guy is infected. He calls for the guard. The Sherriff arrives and the Sherriff gets in a tangle with the Biker causing the Sherriff to get infected.
Jesse goes to the hags, garage and finds a copy of the necronomicon. So she reads it and rolls against the sanity loss. Then she heads out now having a half a clue how to stop the terror of what’s to come. Scott is finally caught a second time by the police and this time the Sherriff decides he’s just going to outright execute him. Jesse has learned how to teleport and has figured out also how to open the back seat of a police car as well because she has snuck in the back seat and stolen a stun gun. She aims at her Uncle and fires. Tentacles erupt from him. Fearless Fife guns him down. But it takes more than bullets to stop the Sherriff so they get in his car hit him twice and blow him up with CGI fire.
Jesse and Scott relax in a diner thinking they have won only to read the chapter than says the entity cannot be killed that way. So they return to the body. Only to see a fat photographer disguised as a fireman has gotten possessed. They come up with a plan. They see the photographer in a bar eating bowl after bowl of nuts.
Jesse seduces him by saying she wants to sleep with the fattest most disgusting person she can find. Nice. So he agrees, because he has dignity and they go to her hotel room where they electrocute him to get the fiend loose. But it’s not there. Oh somehow it’s magically in Scott. They fight it out and eventually get it put in a decanter. A crusty one eyed man shows up bearing a cross ring like a ring wraith. He wants to see the creature. Next we see it burning. He tells them it has to be a certain temperature to kill them.
Scott and Jesse decide to run off to California together. As a twist we see that the fat photographer is indeed still possessed cause he is found eating flesh in the hospital. Oh man, what a totally by the book horror movie. It’s the not the worst out movie out there, but the lack of trying and the sheer lack of imagination what really makes this a weak flick.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
White Zombie-A retrospective with spoilers
White Zombie was a 1932 horror film that was produced independently. At the time it didn’t do very well compared to the other larger budget productions from studios like Universal. Still, it is considered by many to be the first feature length zombie film even though zombies in this case is more the hypnotic state of being rather than walking dead. It’s an interesting movie and worth seeing if you like classic horror.
On arrival to Haiti fiancés Madeline and Neil take a carriage ride to the Charles Beaumont plantation. On the way the driver stops to ask for directions but sees the men staring vacantly back at him. “Zombies!” he yells and whips his horses to haul ass out of there. In his escape Murder Legendre, played by Bela Legosi, steals Madeline’s scarf. They arrive at the plantation and are greeted by Dr. Bruner, a missionary sent to perform the marriage for the two of them asks, “Excuse me have you got a match?” The mature man in me immediately yells at the screen “Yeah my butt and your face.”
Charles meets up with them and is bummed since he is in love with Madeline. He decides then to meet in secret with Murder. He meets him at his creepy sugar mill that is being worked by zombies. There they strike a bargain and Murder gives him a potion that will turn Madeline into a zombie too. Make her follow him like one of his mill workers. Charles is really hesitant.
Charles literally asks Madeline not to go through with the marriage as he is about to walk her down the aisle. He gives her a flower laced with the potion. Then the marriage takes place. By now I am wondering what kind of cheap potion he paid for. But apparently it requires some sort of arcane element as well. Murder is watching outside with Bela’s patented Dracula glare. He makes a wax voodoo doll of Madeline out of a candle and seemingly kills her.
She is put in a crypt and Neil is a mess. Meanwhile Charles, Murder and the gang of zombies get to the crypt and get zombie Madeline. Neil actual catches a glimpse of her walking away and runs to talk to Dr. Bruner “Can I trouble you for a match?” he asks again. I told you “My butt and your face.” Are they really making that line this guy’s catch phrase? They talk about the process of zombification and who might have a motive. Well it must be the one guy who has always wanted Madeline, Charles. They also talk about how Murder has turned all his former rivals into zombies.
Meanwhile, Madeline is playing the piano in a zombie state. Charles is regretting turning her this way. He asks Murder to turn her back. He says he won’t so they have a drink and Murder reveals he has poisoned Charles and soon he will become one of his zombies as well. He then has his horde of zombies kill Chuck’s butler. Neil and the Doctor are waiting outside thinking of an opportune time to go inside. Madeline and Neil share a moment locked in time.
So he and the Doc break into the castle of Charles. The Doctor and Neil separate. Neil finds Madeline in a room with Murder and the almost drugged out Charles. Murder orders Madeline to kill Charles with a knife. Dr. Bruner grabs the knife from her and they escape to an escarpment. Murder has had enough of this crap and orders his zombies to attack but is shortly knocked unconscious by Dr. Bruner. The Zombies, with no command now wander off the cliff to their death. Murder gets up and is about to make a bond villain style escape when Charles stumbles in and wrestles him off the cliff to both their deaths.
The resulting death frees Madeline from the zombie state she was in apparently. She and Neil are happily together at last. The Doctor asks “Does either of you have a match?” “I told you! MY BUTT AND YOUR….OH FORGET IT.” Roll credits on the zaniness.
On arrival to Haiti fiancés Madeline and Neil take a carriage ride to the Charles Beaumont plantation. On the way the driver stops to ask for directions but sees the men staring vacantly back at him. “Zombies!” he yells and whips his horses to haul ass out of there. In his escape Murder Legendre, played by Bela Legosi, steals Madeline’s scarf. They arrive at the plantation and are greeted by Dr. Bruner, a missionary sent to perform the marriage for the two of them asks, “Excuse me have you got a match?” The mature man in me immediately yells at the screen “Yeah my butt and your face.”
Charles meets up with them and is bummed since he is in love with Madeline. He decides then to meet in secret with Murder. He meets him at his creepy sugar mill that is being worked by zombies. There they strike a bargain and Murder gives him a potion that will turn Madeline into a zombie too. Make her follow him like one of his mill workers. Charles is really hesitant.
Charles literally asks Madeline not to go through with the marriage as he is about to walk her down the aisle. He gives her a flower laced with the potion. Then the marriage takes place. By now I am wondering what kind of cheap potion he paid for. But apparently it requires some sort of arcane element as well. Murder is watching outside with Bela’s patented Dracula glare. He makes a wax voodoo doll of Madeline out of a candle and seemingly kills her.
She is put in a crypt and Neil is a mess. Meanwhile Charles, Murder and the gang of zombies get to the crypt and get zombie Madeline. Neil actual catches a glimpse of her walking away and runs to talk to Dr. Bruner “Can I trouble you for a match?” he asks again. I told you “My butt and your face.” Are they really making that line this guy’s catch phrase? They talk about the process of zombification and who might have a motive. Well it must be the one guy who has always wanted Madeline, Charles. They also talk about how Murder has turned all his former rivals into zombies.
Meanwhile, Madeline is playing the piano in a zombie state. Charles is regretting turning her this way. He asks Murder to turn her back. He says he won’t so they have a drink and Murder reveals he has poisoned Charles and soon he will become one of his zombies as well. He then has his horde of zombies kill Chuck’s butler. Neil and the Doctor are waiting outside thinking of an opportune time to go inside. Madeline and Neil share a moment locked in time.
So he and the Doc break into the castle of Charles. The Doctor and Neil separate. Neil finds Madeline in a room with Murder and the almost drugged out Charles. Murder orders Madeline to kill Charles with a knife. Dr. Bruner grabs the knife from her and they escape to an escarpment. Murder has had enough of this crap and orders his zombies to attack but is shortly knocked unconscious by Dr. Bruner. The Zombies, with no command now wander off the cliff to their death. Murder gets up and is about to make a bond villain style escape when Charles stumbles in and wrestles him off the cliff to both their deaths.
The resulting death frees Madeline from the zombie state she was in apparently. She and Neil are happily together at last. The Doctor asks “Does either of you have a match?” “I told you! MY BUTT AND YOUR….OH FORGET IT.” Roll credits on the zaniness.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Troll 2 (review with spoilers)
One of my best friends, Brent, knows my love of good crap movies. Somehow our latest conversation got around to this gem. Of course this movie is a gem in the way that some sick dog found it and now you have you dig around its stool for the diamond ring he ate. It’s hilarious at times and really bad the rest.
The movie starts with a boy being read a story. The story plays out for us in the audience. So we can enjoy this bit of wretchedness too. Apparently, some dork in a Robin Hood hat wanders through the woods until he stumbles upon goblins (there are no trolls in this friggin’ movie). They are as menacing as Ewoks and they give chase. He is a wuss so he runs until he falls. Then he wakes to see a lovely girl with painted freckles (Why are they painted like bad play? I don’t know)
She feeds him some Nickelodeon Gak which makes him ooze green slime from his temples. He then turns into green jelly, plant material which goblins eat. So the Grandfather is telling this tale to his grandson Josh to warn him that goblins are real and will come out to eat him. His Mom comes in to tell him to shut up and go to bed but is not at all disturbed when Joshua tells him he got a bedtime story from his dead Grandfather.
Then you get an exposition that is about as subtle as a train wreck. All you need to get from it. Grandfather is dead but parents don’t seem to care enough to send Josh to get electroshock for his hallucinations and instead want to go on vacation to a farm in Nilbog (Sounds reasonable to me). Meanwhile his sister Holly gets a visit from her boyfriend Elliot in her room. He scares her so she kicks him in the groin. “Are you nuts? You tryin' to turn me into a homo?” Wow…just wow. Then she accuses him of being a homosexual because he spends a lot of time with his friends.
Damn dude. That is a lot of abuse for this high school relationship. You are one lucky guy to have ALL THAT! His three buddies show up in the window too and I wonder if they brought their own ladder or if they are all sharing a section to stand there and peer like asses at Holly who hates them. He says he’ll meet her along the way on her vacation. She agrees only if he doesn’t bring his friends.
So they don’t meet up. This causes some family strife which is boring to watch and mental to want to keep the camera on but it keeps up with it. Josh has a dream he is turned into a tree and consumed by his parents who are goblins in disguise. He wakes up and says he has to throw up and runs to a hitchhiker that he sees as his Grandpa Seth. Seth tells him to not let his family got to Nilbog as it is the kingdom of the goblins. Just as his parents pull up Seth transforms back into a crusty hitchhiker. I am thinking Russell Crowe was saner in “A Beautiful Mind” than this kid.
Food has been prepared at the house where they are staying, complete with green food coloring but Joshua's grandfather shows up again to tell Josh to stop them from eating no matter what and freezes time for thirty seconds to help, so besides having power over time this ghost also knows that the goblins set out food for the unsuspecting family to eat. Having no brains to swipe the food in the time given, or fake a seizure, Joshua stands up on the table pisses on the food. Instead of being taken outside and beaten or taken to a doctor to find out what the pluperfect hell is wrong with him they take him upstairs and give him a stern talking too. Like a 10-11 year knows what the hell a hunger strike is.
Meanwhile one of Elliot's friends, Arnold goes out for a walk and meets a woman being pursued by the goblins. He tackles the girl and makes a really creepy line. For all you single guys out there. If a girl in a torn shirt is running away from something. Take my advice, don’t tackle them. Makes you seem like a real freak. They face off with the goblins and end up running into a church like building which is the house of the goblins' druid leader, Creedence Leonore Gielgud (Deborah Reed), who uses the "Stonehenge Magic Stone" to give the goblins power. This girl is the funniest part of this movie.
She actually looks like she is having a good time hamming this crap dialogue up. It’s like watching a horror host on television. Creedence dupes the two into drinking a magic potion which causes the woman to disintegrate into a puddle of green vegetable goo. which is then eaten by the goblins, and Arnold is turned into a plant-man. Another of Elliot's friends, Drew arrives at the house later on in search of Arnold, but is apparently killed off-screen by Creedence.
That night Holly is unintentionally contacted by Seth via a mirror and she and Joshua swap rooms. So ghost Seth can pause time but can’t figure out the pesky rooms. Seth gets through to Joshua and tells him to convince his parents to leave Nilbog and return home. Joshua looks into a car mirror to summon Seth again like Bloody Mary but only succeeds in noticing from the reflection that Nilbog is Goblin spelled backwards. No shit Sherlock. Maybe I’m the sort of person that overly thinks about words but I notice things like words backwards and anagrams (Did you know that Nosferatu is an anagram for Anus Forte? Tell me THAT doesn’t mean something.)
He concludes that the area must be their kingdom and skateboards off to an abandoned church where the goblins are listening to a sermon telling the evils of eating meat. However, he is noticed and brought to the basement where they attempt to feed him goblin ice cream. Josh’s Dad walks in and grows slightly suspicious, of the huge crowd of adults surrounding his kid and he and Josh back out.
The family returns to find that the village has prepared a surprise party. Joshua runs to his room hoping to summon Seth but instead is confronted by Creedence in goblin form. Seth appears and chops her hand off with an axe, causing her to retreat back to her house. So now the ghost can appear corporeal. Being dead is apparently only an inconvenience in this universe. The two go outside in an attempt to create a distraction but the local priest catches them and attempts to banish Seth to Hell. Seth defeats him by igniting a molotov cocktail with magic lightning powers (Seriously? I want it explained to me right now how this guy can do all this?), killing the priest and causing him to revert to goblin form. Seeing this finally convinces Josh's family of what is really happening, and the locals turn on them.
Instead of murdering them on the spot they let them mosey into the house and barricade it In the meantime, Creedence deals with Elliot's one remaining friend, Brent, by making herself sexy and drowning him in popcorn. Her powers sort of suck compared to Ghost Grampa Seth.
The family holds a séance to communicate with Seth, who tells them that he has ten minutes before he disappears from the mortal world. Joshua is sent to Creedence's house through magic plot convenience and the rest of the family is pursued by the goblins. Seth tells Joshua to put his hands on the Magic Stone and focus in order to defeat the goblins and gives him a lunch bag which he must only open if he is in danger.
Just when Seth leaves, the goblins chasing the family disappear; Creedence appears before Joshua and he is backed into a corner by the goblins. He opens the bag to find it contains a double-decker bologna sandwich, which he consumes. Somehow this works like garlic to a vampire. That is a new one to me, and I play Dungeons and Dragons. The rest of the family, guided by Ghost Grampa (whom I thought was supposed to be the gone by now), arrive at the house; Joshua passes on the instructions he got from Seth and together they defeat Creedence and the goblins by touching the Magic Stone and concentrating turning Creedence into an old hag and the goblins into green snot.
After going home, The Mom bites and apple and is killed by consuming goblin food left in the house. Joshua discovers her corpse being eaten by the goblins. Then one of the goblins says "Do you want some, Joshua?". The movie the closes with Joshua screaming in terror at the horror he is witnessing. BOO! Somehow this pile has cult status. If you have a chance to see something like this and you have a very open mind and maybe a few beers it might be fun. Otherwise avoid it like goblin droppings.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Let me in-review with spoilers
Normally out of principal I wouldn’t see this movie. But when the movie you were going to see isn’t playing and there is nothing that you haven’t seen your options are limited. So with that my friend and I saddled up to see “Let Me In” the remake of the “Let the Right One In.”.
At first my hopes rose a tad because I see it’s a Hammer production. Hammer produced some of the finest horror movies of the seventies and remade many of the monster classics with decent new versions. So the film takes place in Los Alamos, New Mexico. They should have picked a better location there since honestly. I had no clue until this movie that New Mexico ever received snow. Also there is a subtitle that this is 1983 as if the clothing, the music and everything else won’t let you know this fact that you are in fact transported to that magic era…the eighties. So there is an ambulance and a couple police cars racing through the roads to get to the hospital.
We hear from the radio the man who is in the ambulance has received massive burns to his face from a certain type of acid. We as the audience see nothing of this horrible mess. They take him in. A cop played by the actor who played Casey Jones in the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie ages ago arrives. He wants to question the man about a satanic cult he thinks he is involved with.
Casey Jones leaves to take a call. There is a scream and the nurses rush in. The man took a swan dive out the window making a Rorschach of blood on the ground below. We get a screen saying 3 weeks earlier. Owen is a poor little boy who lives with his mom while his folks are in the process of a divorce. Like “Roger Rabbit” you never see the Mom’s face. But considering that every scene she is in has an open wine bottle as a prop you can discover that they made this version of her an alcoholic.
Owen goes to school and is picked on by bullies. If you saw the first movie you may have thought it was strange that Oskar was picked on so mercilessly by the bullies. In this one they take it to new levels. If Owen as much as looks at these guys he gets tormented. So he gets a wedgie and pisses himself. Life is great for him. It’s the kind of kid you read about that brings a gun to school one day.
Well one night while wearing a mask and pretending to threaten a girl with a kitchen knife (YA RLY!). He spies a new family moving next door. This is Abby and her keeper. Abby doesn’t wear shoes for the most part and they make a lot of noise moving in. Owen meets Abby outside where she says they can’t be friends. Owen says he didn’t want to be friends anyway.
That night the Keeper goes out and dressed in his finest trash bag mask hides in a kid’s backseat of their car. He waits till they are parked and renders them unconscious. The then hoists them up in a tree and drains his blood to fill a container. The container spills and he has to go home empty handed. This pisses off Abby. So after hanging with Owen, in which Owen lends he a Rubik’s cube (this is the eighties remember) to solve she goes hunting herself.
A man is jogging through a tunnel at around midnight, ok, unless you are Batman I think most people avoid doing that kind of insane crap. So he sees the little Abby there and she plays like she’s hurt. She then attacks him in a really crappy CGI scene that was more funny then scary. The morning comes. Owen goes to school after finding the cube solved. There is an assembly about the dead kid. Owen takes a book to learn Morse code so he and Abby can communicate through the wall. For some reason the fact that Owen is writing in the middle of class pisses of the lead bully.
So while in the bathroom the lead d-bag gives him a cut on the cheek. But because he is scared he won’t tell his crappy parents who aren’t really involved in this story anyway. Owen takes Abby to a play Ms. PacMan (did I mention this was the eighties?). They also eat buy some Now and Later candy from a guy dressed as Boy George (I CAN’T GET OVER HOW EIGHTIES THIS MOVIE IS). This candy makes her throw up.
So the Keeper finds another victim but it things go awry. Another guy joins him in the car. He goes to get gas. The passenger notices him. They fight. He steals the car and he crashes the car. It’s filmed really cool actually. In the process of laying there waiting to be apprehended he takes a bottle of acid and pours it on his face. So now we are back to the beginning. A nurse is watching Pres. Reagan make a speech (It’s like a time warp!) Abby spider climbs up the building to her keeper and bites him to put him out of his misery and lets him fall to his death out the window.
She comes to Owen’s window and they sleep in the same bed. She says she’ll go steady with him even though she is not a girl. In the morning she is gone. Owen’s class is going ice skating. The bullies want to push him into the water so Owen nails the head bully with a metal pole in the head. He gets in trouble but it’s not near as bad since the little kids discover the body of the jogger stuck in the ice. It made for a fun field trip.
Happy he stood up to the bullies Owen takes Abby to a make out spot to make it their secret area. He cuts his thumb to make them have a blood oath. This freaks little Abby out. She starts lapping at the blood and gets all monstrous. She then races out the room and goes and bites a local girl with more CGI and runs away.
Owen puts a band-aid when he should get stitches for the cut he just gave himself. He calls his Dad asking about the nature of evil. His Dad doesn’t know what the hell is going on and blows him off. So he sees Abby finds out that her Keeper was once young like he was with her. He finds out what she is. She even comes over. But he doesn’t invite her in. When she just comes in she spouts blood and gets gross until invited. So he lets her shower and change into one of his mom’s old dresses. While she is changing he peeks in at Abby and he sees something. If you saw the original you know what it is. But in this movie it’s never spoken of again.
The girl that was bitten is in the hospital awakes and starts gnawing on her arm. The nurse, not noticing this mind you, walks in and opens the shades, causing them both to dies as the flames erupt from the new vampire girl immolating the room. The Casey Jones cop now has a lead. He goes to the house of the Keeper. He breaks the door. He digs around and finds Abby in the bathroom sleeping in the he almost burns her but Owen saves the day causing he cop to get killed by Abby.
Abby realized since she killed a cop she has to go. He gives Owen a blood covered kiss and leaves. Owen stays late after school one day for some strength training. The bullies come back with the older brother of the one that got his ear split. They grab Owen and with a knife tell him to that if he can hold his breath for 3 minutes he’ll just get knick but if he can’t he looses and eye. So he goes underwater. There are screams and more crappy CGI as you see body parts enter the water. Abby saved the day. The end is Owen on a train running away with Abby in a truck as her new Keeper.
This movie took something good and totally took a dump on it. The characters are bland the story is a weaker version. If American audiences hate reading so much during foreign movies watch the original with the dubbing. It’s still better than this. This movie was basically saying “Well American audiences are dullards that need symbolism and simple story so let’s simplify this story by a huge percentage and hand it to them on a silver platter.” It’s a huge middle finger.
Friday, October 8, 2010
The social network- a review with spoilers
I remember when I first used Facebook. A college friend of mine, told me about it and I signed up for it thinking it was neat. At the time only college folks could use it since you needed a university email to get in. A few years later it blew MySpace out of the water and now it has changes the way we look at marketing in the business world. Did I think it was worthy of a movie? Not in the least.
In fact the previews made me wonder why I should care. The movie came out. Reviews came in. People seemed to love it. So I was curious. What makes this movie so damn good for people? Having just seen this movie I must say I still don’t quite get it. The story is acted well but it’s a mediocre story.
Mark Zuckerberg, played by Jesse Eisenberg, gets dumped by his girlfriend for basically being a social loser. So he goes home to do what social losers do; savage her on the internet after a few drinks. He does this and creates a program with Eduardo Saverin, to compare the girls in school with one another. So this causes so much traffic it causes the servers at Harvard to crash. He gets a slap on the wrist for this but he also gets the attention of the Winklevoss twins.
They want him to create a site for them that will be an elite Harvard social sort of page idea. Zuckerberg agrees to do it. Then hooks up with his buddy Saverin, Saverin gives him funds and he gets to work creating Facebook. There are lots of cuts to Zuckerberg in court being sued by Saverin and the twins during this tale. There is a lot going on with the creation of the code, they get popular, they get groupies. Wow! Who knew nerds could be rockstars?
During the creation of Facebook at no time does Zuckerberg show any intention of making the social page for the Winklevoss brothers. In fact he kind of leads them on every time they want to meet with him he blows them off. Up until basically the day of the launch of Facebook he finally sends them an email saying he doesn’t think their site will work. So naturally when they see a huge site working he created they figure he stole their idea.
So through a twist of fate they get the attention of Sean Parker, the founder of Napster, he is played by Justin Timberlake. May sound crazy but it ain’t no lie baby…bye bye bye. Zurkerberg takes Parker’s advice on how to make a sweet cool company much to the chagrin of Saverin who is busting his butt to make deals. It makes the relationship tough. Eventually the company goes huge and Zuckerberg completely shanks his friend Saverin in the back by turning his percentage of stock into squat.
So it leads to the court case where you find out they will just settle. Zuckerberg is a billionare and what they want will be a drop in the bucket to him. The movie ends with Zuckerberg trying to friend that girl he was a d-bag to at the beginning of the movie while the Beatles “Baby you’re a rich man” plays in the background.
Who thought this would make good drama? The protagonist doesn’t learn anything from his actions. There is no rise and fall. Basically his brilliance made him rich and it got him out of his troubles. As much as I am not a fan of “Citizen Kane” because of the unlikeable protagonist at least it had a rise from nothing and realization at the end. It had catharsis. This movie lacks that and would have been better as a documentary.
In fact the previews made me wonder why I should care. The movie came out. Reviews came in. People seemed to love it. So I was curious. What makes this movie so damn good for people? Having just seen this movie I must say I still don’t quite get it. The story is acted well but it’s a mediocre story.
Mark Zuckerberg, played by Jesse Eisenberg, gets dumped by his girlfriend for basically being a social loser. So he goes home to do what social losers do; savage her on the internet after a few drinks. He does this and creates a program with Eduardo Saverin, to compare the girls in school with one another. So this causes so much traffic it causes the servers at Harvard to crash. He gets a slap on the wrist for this but he also gets the attention of the Winklevoss twins.
They want him to create a site for them that will be an elite Harvard social sort of page idea. Zuckerberg agrees to do it. Then hooks up with his buddy Saverin, Saverin gives him funds and he gets to work creating Facebook. There are lots of cuts to Zuckerberg in court being sued by Saverin and the twins during this tale. There is a lot going on with the creation of the code, they get popular, they get groupies. Wow! Who knew nerds could be rockstars?
During the creation of Facebook at no time does Zuckerberg show any intention of making the social page for the Winklevoss brothers. In fact he kind of leads them on every time they want to meet with him he blows them off. Up until basically the day of the launch of Facebook he finally sends them an email saying he doesn’t think their site will work. So naturally when they see a huge site working he created they figure he stole their idea.
So through a twist of fate they get the attention of Sean Parker, the founder of Napster, he is played by Justin Timberlake. May sound crazy but it ain’t no lie baby…bye bye bye. Zurkerberg takes Parker’s advice on how to make a sweet cool company much to the chagrin of Saverin who is busting his butt to make deals. It makes the relationship tough. Eventually the company goes huge and Zuckerberg completely shanks his friend Saverin in the back by turning his percentage of stock into squat.
So it leads to the court case where you find out they will just settle. Zuckerberg is a billionare and what they want will be a drop in the bucket to him. The movie ends with Zuckerberg trying to friend that girl he was a d-bag to at the beginning of the movie while the Beatles “Baby you’re a rich man” plays in the background.
Who thought this would make good drama? The protagonist doesn’t learn anything from his actions. There is no rise and fall. Basically his brilliance made him rich and it got him out of his troubles. As much as I am not a fan of “Citizen Kane” because of the unlikeable protagonist at least it had a rise from nothing and realization at the end. It had catharsis. This movie lacks that and would have been better as a documentary.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Case 39 - a review with spoilers.
Movies these days rely more and more on the jump scare. I personally find that so annoying that writers are so lazy for a cheap scare they will constantly cut the music and have some jerk appear out of nowhere. How often does that happen in life? If you were a guy that snuck up on people with ninja stealth and then reached out your hand behind them when they least suspected it just to say stuff like “HEY BOB! CAN I BORROW YOUR STAPPLER?” you’d get teeth bashed in after Bob recovered from his heart attack. People generally make their presence known to prevent this sort of faux pas.
So enough prattle on the stupidity of the jump scare let’s talk about Case 39. It starts with the woman who looks like she’s been sucking on lemons her whole life Renee Zellweger. She plays Emily, a social worker who just got her 39th case. This case happens to be Lilith, played expertly by Jodelle Ferland who looks like at least she is stepping up her game from “Silent Hill”. Lilth is 10 year old living in a house with two people who are obviously not sane. But because of the red tape there is not much Emily can do to help Lilth.
After consulting her child psychologist friend and her cop friend about the case she pursues it a bit further. She gives Lilith, her phone number and gets a late night call for help. After a quick call to her cop friend they break into the house to discover the Mother and Father putting the child in THE OVEN to cook the girl like Gretel in the Witch’s house. I won’t even get into what a stupid way that is to attempt to kill a person who is still alive, scary as it is in concept.
The parents are caught and arrested. They get insanity pleas because their daughter is unspeakable evil. She causes death of those around her. Where have I heard about a kid that did that before? Oh yeah, “The Omen.” So after some runaround we have Lilith living with Emily. At first it’s peaches in cream. Then people start dying. A boy in Lilith’s group kills off his parents. Lilith then has a talk with the child psychologist that makes him spooked as if he just talked to Dexter or something. He goes home and because he is afraid of hornets imagines hornet swarms all over him until he kills himself.
Meanwhile in prison the parents have illusions plague them until they basically kill themselves. There is a lot of back and forth with the catholic cop who thinks Emily is crazy. You begin to see how screwed up this kid is and how she is actually demonic. There are some creepy effects and Jodelle plays it off well. Good and creepy. Finally the cop, the CATHOLIC freaking cop mind you, says he believes Emily and he will help kill this child. Wow. He might have to say a few Hail Mary’s for that one.
But Lilith kills the cop in the back seat of his car. This actually spurs Emily to drug the little girl and light her house on fire attempting to immolate the little bitch. She survives and they follow some police to find a place to stay. Deciding to try a new route Emily puts the pedal to the metal and goes through traffic like Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride. Lilith, the demon seed, tries scaring Emily with illusions which don’t work. Finally Emily drives into a river. They struggle in the car. Lilith changes into a bestial creature and tries to take Emily down with her but Renee kicks free and rises to the surface. She then greets the sunrise of a brand new day.
It’s not a bad movie but it’s got a lot of “The Omen” in it. Too much if you ask me. The whole idea of a parent stuck with a demon child while friends are getting killed off by his/her malevolence is too close not to compare the two. “The Omen” of course was much more of a psychological terror too and really had a terrifying ending. This one leaves you on a happy note for the most part though I guess a sequel could always happen.
The biggest drawback was the constant jump scares. Someone would knock on a cubicle at an inopportune time, a pair of feet would show beneath a door she was looking under, or peek in a room only to see someone staring right back. But is that what horror is reduced to? I think there are much more scary things out there then some jackasses that leap out and go “boo” when I don’t expect it.
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