Teeth- review

Let's just say Dawn has a problem.

            This movie is very smart, very dark, and very funny sometimes.  Like “Fido” or “Splinter” it’s one of the obscure titles I love to talk about but not many folks have seen.  When you hear what it’s about you can see why.  It’s about a sweet innocent girl who has teeth in her vagina.  Have I lost you already?

            If I haven’t then hold on because I will tell how this movie works in a lot of great ways in displaying feminist power in a bizarre fashion.  Sweet little Dawn grew up next door to a Nuclear Power plant and thus developed this rare mutation. Meanwhile she grows into a girl of very strong moral Christian values.  She meets a boy she thinks is the one for her but her dream becomes a nightmare when he rapes her.

Nothing says love like feeding your gal a dog treat.

            During this awful scene her lower teeth decide to rid him of his intruding phallus.  She then attempts to find out if it’s a curse.  Can it be stopped by the right man?  Or can it be used for good so to speak. Many interesting questions regarding femininity are tossed in the air as well as moral conundrums regarding religion with regard to her oddity. 

That's right! You will see dick in this movie.

            What is unique is that in a world of Hollywood film brimming with nude women this one has a few dick shots, whether they are real or not is neither here or there but you see dick.  You never ever see her toothed vagina which is actually kind of clever because it leaves it up to the audience’s imagination.  I mean it could look like the Sarlacc pit from “Return of the Jedi”, a moray eel, or Gary Busey’s face for all we know.           

            What’s important is the character of Dawn becomes emboldened through this movie.  While it makes the audience laugh through the crazy, bloody mutilation that ensues.  It’s certainly worth the trip.  If you have the chance and you have an interest in dark humor you will LOVE this movie.  Check it out.  

Open Water- review

Can you guess what that sound is Highness? Those are the Shrieking Eels.

            It’s a 2004 horror movie shot on a shoe-string budget about the true story of a vacationing couple that went scuba diving in the Bahamas and were left out in open sea.  The movie portrays what folks suppose happened to them using no name actors (with the exception of Steve Lemme of Broken Lizard fame who plays an uncredited diver) and cameras without filters which give the movie an incredibly cheap feel.

Two guesses why this actress was picked for this role.

            The dialogue is tossed around like a cheap college movie and the cheap use of the camera do not help.   The Netflix sleeve said it was a mix of “Jaws” and the “Blair Witch Project”.  I think the only way you can say that is there is a shark eating a person in this and there is a camera with out a filter being used throughout.  Though you have to ask why since it’s not giving the appearance of a POV shot like other movies when they choose to go that route.   

            I’ll admit the ocean can be super creepy.  When I imagine swimming in open water it gives me the sort of tingly fear that I’d feel if I were floating in space.  Except, here there be giants living in the dark lurking and possibly hunting you.  For all the build up it felt like it should have just been a special during “shark week” on the  Discovery Channel rather than made into a feature length movie about  two folks with horrid fortune bobbing in the water for over an hour.

I spy with my little eye, something blue.

            Is it worth seeing?  No, there are movies that are considered, “loosely based on truth” and involve a lot more drama and are much more horrific.  If you are looking in the horror genre check into “Wolf Creek” or the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” (a real stretch I know) and if you are looking into drama on the high seas look no further than “The Perfect Storm”. 

            Look I am aware that not every movie has to have a budget to be decent.  “Paranormal Activity” was made for very little and it raked in cash. In my opinion it’s one of the best horror movies I’ve ever seen.  The writing helps this and the writing for “Open Water” was piss poor.  So if I were you I would not waste your time. 

African Cats –review

Umm...Hakuna Matata?

    “African Cats” is a beautiful movie.  Every frame of it is like a postcard of the savannah.  It’s filmed like a National Geographic narrated by none other than Samuel L. (Bad Ass Motherfucker) Jackson.  It shows nature at it’s most fickle and its most cruel at times. That being said if you are like me and are overly sensitive about watching animals die than this is not the movie for you.

Ack! I've fallen and I can't get up.

            They do make big deal of characterizing the animals in such a way that there is a good lion pride and an evil lion pride.  Why?  Because the leader of the other pride is on his way to take over the pride and his coming will likely mean the death of the cubs.  This is portrayed like it is the coming of Sauron and the Nazgul.  In reality as much as this might be a shitty bit of nature it’s what a lion does.  It’s like making out bees to be villains because they sting people when it’s their nature to do so sometimes.

Does this lion look like a bitch?

            Besides that we have a cheetah family that is trying to survive in the cruel harsh nature of the plains.  They goes through just about every little bit of crap that African wilds can throw at them and with the exception of baboons armed with spears or something else ridiculous.  Just to keep on trucking with the message about motherhood that seem to have been lost in all the cruelness the rest of the film gives us. 

            But I’ll admit I’m sensitive about animals.  I know it’s part of the circle of life and all but it doesn’t mean I can’t empathize with another creature in pain.  So if you can handle watching that sort of thing it’s an amazing movie.  But otherwise get ready for a movie that will break your heart in worse ways than “Bambi”.  

Scream 4-review

Everyone wants a peek at the "Good version" of the movie.

            This movie sucks.  That is putting it lightly.  It is full of plot holes, red herrings, and people you don’t give a shit about.  My friends and I sat in a near empty theater and marveled at how Wes Craven could take a once likeable cast with a witty and charming script and toss in a few in jokes and young new actors with the survivors of the old movies and think it was going to be a good movie. 

Thanks to "True Blood" and "Veronica Mars" here I realized what I could be watching instead.

Let’s first take a trip back for a sec to when these movies were relevant.  That was over a decade ago.  Criminal science has actually grown in leaps and bounds. If there is a serial killer do you know who gets involved? The F.B.I. Not just Sheriff Doofy and his deputies of complete idiots.  They would check each crime scene like hawks and if the killer(s) so much as sweat or left a hair out of place they would have suspects.  Of course Woodsboro is apparently in a bizarre area where that sort of forensic pathology would never help a case.

I also want to point out that I think it’s incredibly strange that even if a woman wrote a book about real life murders that took place.  It is a really REALLY stupid idea that kids celebrate “Ghost face” like a fun boogey man.   That would be like Charles Manson having a book written about him, and then a movie and then having kids forget the victims and dress up like him and celebrate his killings year after year.  It’s a bit tasteless.

Then we have the horde of people in the movie to provide us with suspects and body counts.  First off if you ever said Gale Weather’s was a bitch in the other movies you must be eating platefuls of humble pie watching Courtney Cox return as a botoxed up she-wolf. She plays such an unlikable character that she is in the running with Margot Kidder in the Superman movies for most “Hatchet faced shrew in cinema” award.

Courtney is just upset because a house fell on her sister.

Of course Dewey is back as is Sydney...and nothing is new there.  They are the exact same characters they always are no more, no less.  What you do get is Hayden Panettiere, Rory Culkin, and Julia Robert’s niece herself, Emma Roberts in a major role.  Along with a mass of other names I can throw at you that you should not care about because honestly you will see them in bigger and better things if they actually have talent. 

Look, I'm a Roberts dammit! I don't have time to hunt down a killer.

It’s a lazy movie and it shows it in the story structure.  There is no regard for the time of the audience watching this drivel and sadly there is no regard for the fans that made this series what it is.  It oozes mediocrity and when it doesn’t it stops to give you eye-rolling boredom.  If you are an a big fan of the series watch it when it comes to DVD but do so knowing that it is not the fun it used to be.  If you are not a big fan you will not be missing anything putting this one aside.  Just know that this will be nobody’s favorite scary movie.

Black Sheep-review

Your next "American Idol".

            No, this isn’t the movie staring Chris Farley.  This is the 2007 New Zealand movie about killer sheep.  I’m not going to get into too many details because this movie is completely worth checking out for any horror fan. The effects are really well done for a movie about killer sheep.  It’s a really well put together movie.

This is what happens when you order a gyro in New Zealand.

            Besides a competent script and well acted little comedy at times there are some really awesome shock scenes that are put in to gross out the audience.  This is pretty cool considering you can tell when the sheep are attacking they are basically well put together puppets.  The rest of the time the directors use what New Zealand has in abundance, sheep, and lets them run amok it seems.  It works so well because I guarantee if this was a U.S. movie the sheep would be CGI.

Some people take piercing way too far.

            The story is fairly simple.  A young man with a crippling phobia of sheep goes to meet up with his brother on their old sheep farm.  The older brother, Angus, intends to buy the younger brother Henry out.  Little does Henry know that Angus has been conducting secret genetic experiments to make the sheep into vicious carnivores whose bite will transform people into hybrid sheep creatures.

            I do not want to spoil the rest. Suffice it to say that there are oodles of gore.  Great effects considering what you are watching. A penis biting joke and several fart jokes to take the high road and of course a sheep fucking joke because…why not?   Granted if you rented a movie about killer sheep and expected “Casablanca” you must live for disappointment. 

Gonna need some heavy fiber to pass this one.

            For what it is it delivers the goods and entertains.  Like “Splinter” or the “Human Centipede” the movie is funny in its horror movie clichés.  But you get what you pay for and the movie does it really well.  There are fine performances and in terms of good fun this is certain to please anyone with a sense of humor.  I recommend “Black Sheep” to anyone willing to take a chance on a strange but fun horror twist.

Hanna-review

A young Beatrix Kiddo kills a man.

            Hanna is a really great movie.  It’s got a lot of action, really interesting characters and a compelling story that works well as it weaves the audience through some very colorful locations. Saoirse Ronan and Eric Bana are both kick ass as Hanna and her Father who live in the wilderness of Finland training Hanna survivalist and fighting techniques. 

            Once ready she goes out in search of her Mother’s killer.  This happens to be Cate Blancett who seems to be playing her old role of the villain from “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull” except with less cartoonish behavior.  She is sinister and there is more to her then lets on which makes her a complex villain.  She does hire some goons reminiscent of the nihilists from “The Big Lebowski”.  Not the best choice. 

Eric Bana feels watched.

            I did notice a similarity in this movie to “The Professional”.  In the “The Professional” Leon the hit man is a killer who knows only violence his whole life and has a child like wonder in his life when he meets someone that gives him a reason to share new experiences.  Likewise this movie does a lot of the same thing where Hanna escapes and finds a family on vacation which she joins and discovers a lot of the joys of life she missed when living in isolation in the forest.

            The biggest plot holes come from little details.  Hanna is taught absolutely useless facts from her father when she isn’t taught how to fight.  She might be able to speak several languages but she is in awe of the marvel of a light switch.  That is weak.  This girl just killed an entire room full of military guys in an area with lights and electronic camera (which she even makes a note of) but somehow the lights in a seedy Moroccan room blow her mind. 

Hanna finally got the paperwork to change her last name to "Montana".

            The second biggest hole was after her first coming into contact with electric appliances she was thrown off by how loud they were.  Yet even after acting like a caveman discovering fire when operating a light switch she is able to march into an internet café and hop onto a search engine and look up facts on genetic engineering.  Now don’t get me wrong I think if you can read you can pluck the letters of a keyboard and get by.  But if you have never seen one is it really realistic to believe she would have any idea how to operate a mouse much less open a browser and surf the web?

            All bitching aside though it’s a good movie.  I wish there was more to it honestly since it felt like they left a lot out.  It was a fun movie that really showed us a character that would actually be interesting to follow up on if they chose to.  If only directors would stop the shaky cam crap for standard movies.  Oh, and a lesson for heroes and villains: When you have enemies on the ground give them a coup de grace.  Don’t let them get back up. 

Cemetery Man-review

People who get complimented usually let it go to their head.

            Well if you like “Vertigo” and foreign movies this might be for you.  It’s an Italian movie from 1994 romance zombie which also went by the title “Dellamorte Dellamore”. Starring Rupert Everett as Francesco Dellamorte, the caretaker of a cemetery where the dead rise seven days after they are pass away.  He has a bumbling assistant, Gnaghi, that looks like Curly form the Three Stooges.  Together they kill the “Returners” as they come back from the grave to feed on the living.

Hi, I'm Larry; this is my brother Darryl, and this is my other brother Darryl.

            Now there are aspects of this that are fantastic. It’s filmed really well.  The characters are well developed but where it suffers is that it goes in all sorts of different insane directions.  Francesco falls in love with a stunning woman whose husband has just passed away.  He gets her to come see his ossuary which somehow works as a pick up line because he ends up banging her right in the graveyard.  Then the husband returns from the grave, attacks the girl and he ends up killing them both. 

Shut up! I'm Death! My logic is flawless.

            As if this isn’t enough insane plot device Gnaghi has a crush on the Mayor’s daughter.  He throws up on her and she gets in a car accident and he takes her now living head to dote upon.  Then Death appears in a very cool sequence and tells Francesco “Stop killing the dead. They're mine. If you don't want the dead coming back to life, why don't you just kill the living? Shoot them in the head. Are you listening to me?” So clearly he is insane. 

            He also starts seeing the same girl he lost before in other aspects.  Just like in the movie “Vertigo”.  “Vertigo”, however, deals with a fear of height this movie deals with phallophobia.  Yeah, a girl has a fear of penises so bad that Francesco almost has a doctor remove his Johnson with sharpened hedge clippers.  I don’t think I have thought about that sort of thing since I saw “Hard Candy”.

Where is Larry where you need him?

            It’s a strange and dark ride.  I would say it can at least be enjoyable and it certainly isn’t like any other zombie movie I have ever seen.  So if you can handle something off the wall, very odd, and pretty funny at times this might be worth a rental.  Now in terms of funny zombie movies it still doesn’t come close to “Shaun of the Dead” or “Fido” but it has a unique charm that is all of its own.

Grizzly Rage- review with spoilers

            So I heard about this movie from a friend of mine.  In terms of awful bear movies it is better than “Claws” and a lot worse than “The Edge” if that puts it in any perspective.  If you have no idea what those movies are like than I can just say this movie was a made for cables release in Canada that it’s incredibly painful. It stars no one likable except a bear who in real life I read is a friendly male named Koda that digs on marshmallows.

           

            The movie starts with a Jeep full of four recent graduates.  Judging by their age I’d suspect college but judging by their maturity you’d think middle school.  For the entire first half of the movie they refer to one another by “Dude”, “Man” and “Bro” so because I don’t have a clue what their names are I will give them nicknames based on their looks.  One guy dresses as Hunter Thompson, thus he shall be called.  One is clad in head scarf so his name is Scarf-head for this review.  The last chunk head wanders around in a tank top so he has earned the moniker Tank top.   The token girl we will just call Bimbo. 

            So they are on their road trip and spouting dialogue that seems to have been learned from the Eli Roth School of screen writing when they decide to take a detour and tear up some nature. This is after a few minutes of the director giving us shots of the mileage going up.  Thanks for that.  So the newly graduated folks decide the best way to show their next step into adulthood is to commit a crime by driving through the chains that block the road off to public use.  Then they use the winch on their Jeep to get further into the woods when the come across a metal fence.

            They spin doughnuts in the woods. Driving like assholes until they hit a tree and realize they hit and killed a bear cub.  By this point they don’t care one bit about doing the right thing so they just leave as Mamma Grizzly roars a very pissed sound that is less bear like and more the sound of a prehistoric monster.  At least this movie helped me not give a hoot in hell about ANY of these characters.  Frankly, I want them all to die.

Oh no! The bear got the  CGI blood on the camera!

            The kids are either deaf or the Grizzly has such an amazing stealth skill that we see POV shots of her sneaking up on the assholes like she was the Predator.  The assholes separate to find water to attempt to get some for the Jeep.  Hunter Thompson finds some in what looks like the Dead Marshes of Lord of the Rings.  Too bad he didn’t hear the bear.  It sneaks up behind him and swipes at his face. For some reason his head manages to stay on.   Instead we get a cheap CGI blood splatter on the camera as if that adds to the realism.

            After they find out Hunter Thompson is dead Bimbo starts yelling at the boys about how she told them not to go on this detour. One of the guys shouts back “We get it. You’re a genius and we’re all a bunch of tools.”  Well, that is half right.  Scarf-head decides he is going to attempt to hike for help he arms himself with a tire iron and starts running.  I should mention that if you are up against a Grizzly bear in a fight a tire iron will do squat.  In a straight up fight the best you can do is shit yourself in the hopes that it makes you taste worse for the bear.

            Scarf-head does find a remote cabin.  It’s spooky inside but let’s play a wee game.  It’s called:  “Guess what he finds”

1. Aborted fetuses in jars.
2. The corpse of David Carradine
3. An animated squirrel that commands him to kill.
4. Absolutely FUCKING nothing.

If you guessed D. you are right and I’m so sorry but you’re time was wasted.  Oh no.  Scarf-head sees the bear.  It manages to sneak up on him and punt his ass through a chicken coop. He manages to make it back to the others at the Jeep despite being very badly injured albeit a bloodless injury from a bear.  Scarf-head must be Wolverine or something.

I know there is a bear around here somewhere.  Probably just my imagination.

            Then Tank top starts getting depressed and asking Bimbo several times “Why is this happening to us?”  Are you really wondering that dipshit?  I can think of a few reasons.  Tank top goes to scale a cliff to see if he can get cell phone reception.  It’s a no go so he howls in anguish.  He gets back to the car and they talk about regrets.  Before the T-Rex from Jurassic Park, I mean the Grizzly topples the Jeep. 

            In a scene transition that could give whiplash it’s suddenly Night.  Scarf-head mentions seeing a bear trap in the cabin.  So they go off to get it.  Bimbo decides to go grab it since Tank top has a weak leg after the car topple.  The camera work would make you think this is a spooky thing to wander around the cabin.  But it’s not as if Jason Voorhees is going to pop out behind a corner it’s a fucking Grizzly Bear outside.  It does however swipe at her through the wall causing her to impale herself on the trap a bit. 

There can be only one!

            She makes it back to the car but the bear gets Scarf-head and drags him away.  Tank top decides he is going to blow up the Jeep.  When he does it doesn’t do jack shit.  So then he climbs a tree and takes off his clothes in the hopes of tricking the bear into leaving the girl alone for her to escape.  Meanwhile she devises a Rube Goldberg style trap.  It eventually captures the bear and locks him inside of the cabin. 

            They celebrate and begin to leave hand in hand when the bear breaks free.  Tank top falls and the girl won’t leave him so the bear kills them both with the same lame CGI blood wipe that we got earlier in this shitty movie. At least the unlikable shitheads die.  That makes it somewhat of a happy ending. 

            This is an awful movie.  It’s got no talent, no effects, and a laughable story.  The characters are one dimensional and completely unlikable.  If you really want to see a bear movie I recommend “Grizzly Man” at least that is real.  If you want fiction with talent behind it see “The Edge”.  This one is just pathetic.  

Insidious-review

This little light of mine.  I'm gonna let it shine.

            I had only heard the bare minimum about this. I knew it was produced by the makers of “Paranormal Activity” and written and directed by the man that gave us the first, and in my opinion the best, “Saw” movie.  It has a rating of PG-13 so it had that against it since it means that it will sacrifice really going the whole nine yards in order to let the kids come see. But despite the rating and the abundance of jump scares the movie REALLY works. 

            First off the music is brilliant. If I don’t mention how well it compliments this movie it would be a great disservice to the work that was so obviously put into it.  The characters are well done and not stupid.  They are an average family and that is what is nice about the writing.  They paint a picture of a believable group of people with this horrible shit happening to them.  Not a group of people you hate because they are ridiculous and to far-out to buy.

When ghosts are a problem it's best to call Geek Squad.

            A family moves to a new house and through some mysterious circumstances one of their kids falls into a coma.  The parents begin to notice more and more supernatural terrors befalling them as the kid remains in this coma.  I won’t give away a whole lot more than that since it is worth seeing.  It feels a lot like the horror movies of the late 80s and early 90s.

            Not really a body count and really more of a psychological thriller there are images that will stick with you upon leaving the theater.  There are horrid faces that loom in drapes that will make you think of how lucky you are to possess Venetian blinds, things like spirits with a grim ricitus that pop up in a flash, and of course the demonic Darth Maul-looking creature that seems to come out of a Guillermo Del Toro movie.

Darth Maul's gonna get you!

            There is a twist ending as most horror seems to go for.  But this one is good and creepy and not something eye-rollingly bad.  I have not seen a lot of non-R rated horror movies worth a crap.  Arguably you can say “Jaws”, “Tremors”, “The Ring”, “Poltergeist” and “The Sixth Sense” were the top 5 of this variety.  But I think with quality of this caliber.  It might be time to re-think that a bit and maybe considering adding this new fear causing flick to the list. 

Kazaam-review

That smile says it all.  "No refunds!"

             Everything you thought you knew about film is wrong.  This movie is absolutely the best of everything.  Not only is Shaq truly an actor and musician ahead of his time but no film captures both of these qualities better than the movie about a “rapping genie with attitude.”  What better movie to follow Paul Michael Glaser work after such opus as “The Running Man” and “The Cutting Edge”?

            The film starts out with the genie moving into a boom box and after a wrecking ball destroys his current home.  Meanwhile we are introduced to what I would normally call a hellish, unlikable child named Max.  But now that I see the genius of this movie I see that the writers must CLEARLY be channeling the Maurice Sendak’s character from Where the Wild Things Are thus making this movie rather clever instead of excruciating.

This movie rivals "Aladin" for best over-the-top genie movie EVER!

             When a group of bullies chase him into an abandoned building, Max befriends the genie Kazaam.  Here the movie takes time to examine Max’s personal life, rather than continue the plot.  Normally this would seem tedious in a kids' movie, but looking back one can’t help but shake his head and laugh at the hijinks.  We get to watch as Kazaam rises to become the magical hero we knew he would become when we saw him on the basketball court.

The laughs are non-stop and the tender moments will pull at your heart strings.  “Kazaam” truly is a movie classic that will be remembered for years to come.  If I had a choice to interview Elizabeth Taylor or Paul Newman I would tell them to sit and spin, because I wanted to interview Shaquille O’Neal.  Would I recommend this movie? Oh hell yeah! Get it today!