Taintlight-review with spoilers

This guy is wiping with the script.

            I grew up reading MAD magazine so I appreciate a good parody when I see one.  There are times though that just banking on popular subjects for the sake of the subject will get you an absolute piece of crap.  To this movie’s credit it stays on track with the “Twilight” movie.  However that only means you get sprinkles on top of your shit sundae.

            Oh did I offend you with a shit joke?  Then this movie is clearly not for you.  This movie rides shit jokes to the ground harder than Slim Pickens rode the bomb in “Doctor Strangelove.” I counted about 13 which seem to be a lot for a spoof about teen romance between a vampire and a human.  There is a lot of material to use and that is what they use.  But what do I expect from Low Budget Pictures?

            Anyway they start with a disturbing redneck taking a shit outside.  He is vocalizing it like a three year old going on the potty.  He gets killed by a mystery killer.  Next we see Stella Ennui our Bella character driving her car.  She is going to live with her Dad since her Mom had “committing suicide disease.”  She ends the car ride saying “On the bright side I’m getting my period.”  Good for you.

I'm sure this guy is who girls imagine when they think of Jacob too.

            Her Dad comes out in a big fake mustache.  He spends the movie ogling her and having incestuous passes at her.  Then Jack comes over.  Jack is the Jacob character.  He’s not Native American and it’s really a bad case choice.  Stella just says “He’s the first boy to finger me.”  Zoinks man!  That is a little too much information.

            He takes her to the school which is clearly a community college since Stella and just about every other student is covered in tattoos.  Stella meets some new friends one of which is a metro sexual stereotype and the other is just a total sexaholic.  The Mullen family shows up.  Edgar is our Edward.  There are close-ups galore and considering the actors don’t seem to wear makeup Helen Keller could have done a better job filming this.

            You meet a character named Jock De Queaf.  He rambles about literally nothing and vanishes.  His character is pointless.  It’s basically there to pad the film like a diaper.  Once his scene is over the movie moves on and we get a red haired girl running from vampires.  She gets caught and bitten.  Sure enough she turns and she becomes the Victoria style character, but like the other women in this movie they didn’t hide any of her tattoos.

            The true vampires are actually the more amusing characters. The redhead girl talks like Harley Quinn out of Batman and one of the vampires says the one funny line in this movie “all true vampires are over the top”.    I liked that.  The evil vampires are actually amusing at times.  Then we get the stupid, STUPID dialogue between Edgar and Stella.   For example:

Stella: I hate the rain.  I hate anything wet.

Edgar: Do you beat up your vagina when you get turned on? 

           

I know it hurts honey, but yes, you are in this movie.

Aliens wouldn’t find that funny.  So when Edgar is supposed to save her from a car and the budget is low what can you do?  Well this movie has Edgar save her from a mime.    Edgar constantly tells her to fuck off and then in the same breath tells her “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”    Oh and since he can’t fly with the effects they have him teleport her with all the effects of a shitty Dr. Who episode. 

            What happens in the sunlight?  Does he sparkle?  Nope he ejaculates bubbles.  Highbrow stuff.  Stella walks home and she is attacked by evil vampires but a werewolf Jack who has awful makeup and is dressed and dances like Michael Jackson saves the day.  Going to a really topical joke huh?  Clever job movie. 

            The Mullen family doesn’t play baseball but says they play Frolf even though it’s clearly ultimate Frisbee with oodles of SKA playing.  There is a pose off with the evil vampires then a fight which is awful.  When “Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter” has better fight choreography watch out.  Jack gets and beat down and then Edgar saves the day.  Edgar gives one vampire the three point exploding heart technique from “Kill Bill”.  He wins and he asks Stella to prom.

            They end with another incest joke for the Dad and the red head wanting revenge like in the original.  I’ll give it this.  It’s a short movie clocking in at just 1 hour long.  The jokes are very low brow and the production value is super low.  It feels like a college film between friends.  I felt like there were inside jokes I wasn’t getting. 

            I can’t recommend it.  It’s not my taste at all.  But hey if it’s your style of humor or if you thought the jokes that I mentioned were up your alley it might work for you.   I really think if they are going to attempt a spoof of such a popular subject they should try harder then tons of shit jokes.  Maybe true “Twilight” fans would find it more interesting but I think they would find it just as stupid as I did.