With a name like “Bloodsucking Babes from Burbank” I didn’t have high expectations. This shot on shiteo movie was of the quality that you only dream about. It’s the sort of blatant exploitation movie which great to make fun of but when you watch it you are stunned that anyone could even take it remotely seriously.
It starts with a girl staggering about outside as she overlooks the carnage. This character is Sam, she finds a cell phone and calls someone and tells them “body parts….organs….everywhere” sentences….only fragments. She seems troubled, well good thing there is a cut to the good old days in a flash back.
She and her boyfriend Gary are wrestling in their underwear. He tries to get it on with her and she puts the halt on that plan. Instead she leaps up to go watch a web seminar, although it’s clearly a PowerPoint presentation. It’s claiming to be an Archaeology seminar. Some old guy is giving away trips to Taiwan to the best team who can make the best presentation.
Considering this isn’t for a class and it’s just for the hell of it its sort of shocking no one asks the guy what the hell. But two teams form. One is a team of incredibly stupid girls who want to make a project centered on the phallic symbols of the ancient world. Then there is Chelsea who wants to find a jewelry box of some ancient witch who lived in the Burbank Mountains. It’s would be like someone saying they are looking for the Blair Witch’s make up case.
A fairly large group hikes the Burbank Mountains. Only one of them brought a bag. None thought to bring a jacket or any other field material for an archeological dig. One is even hauling her latte with her. When they stop to look for the box they just sort of kick the leaves where they think it might be like some kids who dropped their car keys in the leaves and are hoping it’ll turn up.
At least they aren’t nearly as painful to watch as the idiot girls with the phallic crap to talk about. They giggle like Beavis and Butt-head every two seconds about the pictures in their research books and then sputter out a line which it’s clear they can barely read. I’m serious they are so bad they dubbed girly laughter over some of the inane chatter.
Some of the group gives up on the Chelsea and say good luck finding the “Abdominal snowman”. A girl named Wendy and a dude named Josh stumble across the mystery box and open it up. It has gemstones like you would find in the bottom of a fishbowl. Wendy is somehow compelled to rub them all over her semi-nude body.
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| Time wounds all heels. |
Then she bites Josh. I guess he was paralyzed with fear since all he could do was stand there like a dipshit while she literally chews his arm off. Meanwhile the inane girls are STILL yammering about stone cocks. I do like at least they don’t seem to notice that flies are landing on them during the film shooting. Way to class up the movie.
The local gardener is hooting like a Tusken Raider at the girls and making an ass of himself saying things like “I want to suck your blood.” Not creepy at all. Wow jump cut so fast we get whiplash to a bar where Chelsea is with friends. Apparently Rex Kwon Do and the Son of Sam are so interested in buying her friends a drink when they refuse they call her a lesbian. Not the smoothest line in the book. Zach, a redneck who has been following her from the woods steals her purse but returns it only to get a well deserved martini glass to the head.
Gary takes Sam to his place where he lives with his Grandma. There he decides to attempt to go down on her. Sam gets offended and leaves. Through magic he has the jewelry box now so he takes it with him. Chelsea is showering when a girl named Fawn shows up. She offers to help her dry off. Weird. Then I guess she changes her mind because she leaves and now Zach is there waiting to assault her.
Zach throws her on the bed which I am sure wouldn’t calm anyone you just met down. She accepts what he has to say about the evil of the box and the dead boy he found in the woods. Gary joins the team with the stupid girls bringing the jewelry box. It’s not anything special. It seriously looks like something you can get at a Renaissance Fair. Chelsea and Zach visit the Granny and get no real results.
Gary is videotaping the girls with the box. All they do is dance around with it. All of a sudden there is a vampire girl trying to get a guy who is armed with a knife. Chelsea tries to help out the knife wielder but accidentally gets stabbed in the process. Don’t miss her too bad folks. They will replace her right quick.
Gary decides time to move on and gets it on with the heavy set girl of the group. Meanwhile the others open the box and rub themselves down with the gems. They sprout fangs that you can find for free at the dentist office and their eyes get big through really bad CGI. Idiot gardener approaches them and they attack him making cat noises.
They eat him which gets Gary and Chubby’s attention. Chubby starts rubbing herself with stones too and Gary leaves with the box. Zach is at a bar when a girl named Felicity shows up. Sam goes to the stupid girls place to confront Gary and finds the girls eating people. We are now back to the beginning. For whatever reason a nerdy vampire spots Felicity and runs forcing a chase for no reason. Zach gets Sam to call Gary so they can meet and hopefully get the box.
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| Vampires are always looking for their necks victim. |
They go to a beach to meet. A couple is doing sexy stuff to one another when Zach is walking around looking for Gary. The girls the guy is with find stones and tear him apart. They start with his thumb, which, I swear grew at least 4 times in size when ripped off. Then a guy with a metal detector finds a few of them, since I guess they are metallic gems (????). Zach takes them from him and tosses them into the sea where they are destroyed.
As if we haven’t seen the end of the metal detector guy he comes across a severed arm with a ring on it. Pulling off the ring he says “Fucking gangsters.” Oh my, the hilarity. So back at the bar Felicity and Zach just miss Gary come in. Felicity gets a motel room for the two of them and after reminiscing looking at a weak website they have some goofy poorly lit sex.
Back at the bar Gary isn’t making friends. His behavior causes some women to bust open the box spilling the gems which causes all the women in the bar to go nuts and change into lame cannibals. “Damn, this can’t be happening” the bartender says with all the gravitas of seeing a toilet overflow. Gary goes to Sam to tell her he’s tried to destroy the box but it won’t be destroyed. She tells him it must be cast back into the fires from whence it was forged; that or the ocean.
Felicity and Zach are attacked so they tied up their assailant. They go to the beach to be rid of the artifact once and for all. Some chump is there saying he wants to study it. They buy his BS at first and give him the box. Then chase him down and get it back only to discover he is an actor paid $50 to get it from them. Felicity gives him a half hearted karate kick to send him packing.
We see that it was chubby girl who sent the actor. They toss a bag with the box and Felicity, Sam and Zach stare at the ocean for a bit. The Archeology web seminar congratulates Sam and Gary for their work. Sam tells Gary she is ready to get it on. She comes out in a teddy and it’s revealed she switched the boxes at the beach. She wanted to keep the artifact for herself. Not to use of course. Just to own something of value. Like saying you own a powerful atomic weapon you don’t intend on using but you like it for aesthetic reasons.
Granny shows up and says she saw the box as she was cleaning and liked the gems inside. Then she gets the fake fangs and the stupid looking big eyes and starts eating Gary while Sam watches leaving her in a crying heap. Ugh. I’ve seen better acting and production values in porno movies. This is one you have to see to believe. It’s natural disaster level rotten.
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