The Last House on the Left- review with spoilers

            Oh yeah this 1972 movie was scary enough to be remade in 2009.  But let me tell you something it’s more scary in the way juxtapose screwball comedy with a rape murder movie.  The music choices are a total weird one too.  I think Wes Craven went to see if he could combine elements of parent’s worst fear with “Smoky and the Bandit”.

Whew! Did you fart?

Young Mari Collingwood starts this exploitation movie off right getting out of the shower and telling her parents she is going out to celebrate her seventeenth birthday by attending a concert with her friend, Phyllis. Her parents express concern at the fact she is not wearing a bra. They let her go, giving her a peace symbol necklace as a gift before she leaves.

Phyllis and Mari have a drink by a river then go to the city for the concert. On the way, they hear a news report on the car radio of a recent prison escape, involving violent criminals by the names of Krug Stillo, his son Junior who seems to be about the same age and his father, Sadie, and Fred "Weasel" Podowski.  It’s an exposition news report and it’s introducing us to the villains who do things like talk about killing, and raping, and getting a fix.  They are smart criminals as you’ll find out.

 After the concert, Mari and Phyllis stroll the bad part of town, seeking someone who might sell weed.  A clever girl might just find a friend with a hook up rather then roam throughout the ghetto for a $20 bag of grass.  They find Junior, who leads them back to an apartment, where they are immediately trapped by the criminals. Phyllis tries to reason with the criminals to let her go and is punched in the stomach and raped. Meanwhile, Mari's unsuspecting parents prepare a surprise party for her while music you might hear at a jamboree is playing. 

This is his O face.

The next morning, the girls in a car trunk and taken to the countryside as the gang intends to leave the state. The car malfunctions right in front of Mari's house while two bumbling cops right out of “Smoky and the Bandit” are in her home talking to Mari's parents about her disappearance. Removed from the trunk, Mari realizes that they are near her own home while she is dragged to the woods. In the woods, the girls are untied, and Phyllis forced to piss herself. Mari and Phyllis are forced to have sex with each other and then Sadie goes down on a weeping Mari.

Phyllis makes a run for it to distract the kidnappers and offer Mari a chance to escape. She is chased by Sadie and Weasel, while Junior stays behind to guard Mari, who tries to convince Junior that her father can help him and give him a fix since he is a doctor who helps junkies, and she gives him her peace symbol necklace as a symbol of her trust.  Phyllis manages to hit Sadie in the face with a rock and runs. She is then cornered, and Weasel stabs her in the back.  Phyllis is then stabbed several times kicked when down.  But as if they couldn’t just finish her off with a quick kill they have to gut her and play with hey guts and then cut off her fucking arm for the hell of it.

Other than this the concert went well for Mari.

Mari is presented Phyllis' severed arm and Krug proceeds to carve his name into Mari's chest. Mari screams at the top of her lungs while the caveman name is marked "Krug" on her chest. Then Krug rapes her. Seconds later Mari, sick from the shock of being raped, vomits and then walks into a nearby lake. Krug shoots Mari and she floats on the top of the lake. Krug, Sadie, and Weasel wash and change out of their bloody clothes.

In their new attire, the gang goes to the Collingwoods' home, masquerading as traveling salesmen. Mari's parents agree to let them stay overnight.  Because that is what people do for complete fucking strangers.  The killers also are asked to stay in Mari’s room so they know they are in the home of the girl they just murdered.  Why wouldn’t they kill the parents too instead of tempt fate?  Clearly the criminal mind is a brilliant one.

Junior exposes their identity when Mari's mother sees Mari's peace symbol necklace dangling around his neck. Later that night she hears them fucking TALKING about killing both the girls and leaving them in the woods.  I know they are probably worked up after a long day but they really got to think out a better strategy since they know these people are the girl’s parents.  

She and he husband rush out into the woods, where they find Mari on the bank of the swamp dead. They carry Mari's body back to the house.  Outside, the mom seduces Weasel into getting tied up, then performs fellatio on him biting his penis off and spits it out.  She leaves him to bleed to death.  Though I wouldn’t think that would kill a person.  Many men I know in politics seem to function with no dicks. 

Inside the house, the dad carries a double barreled shotgun into his daughter's room, where two of the criminals are sleeping. Instead of painting the room with their brains he has setup elaborate traps like a middle-aged Kevin from “Home Alone”.  Krug escapes into the living room slipping on shaving cream and even electrocuting him on one of the traps. He overpowers the doctor, but the criminal is then confronted by his own son, who now brandishes a firearm. Junior threatens to kill his father. Krug psychologically manipulates Junior to commits suicide with the weapon.  I don’t think even Darth Vader was able to literally tell people “Take the gun! Kill yourself!”  

This chainsaw is for trimming those 70s sideburns

Sadie rushes outside where she is tackled by the mom. The two of them wrestle in the leaves. Sadie falls in the pool like a spaz so the mom grabs a knife and pulls Sadie up and cuts her throat open. The dad chases the Krug around the living room with a chainsaw for a long time until he finally manages a killing blow. Finally the police arrive in time to see the carnage.  Where were they?  Well they ran out of gas earlier in the picture and spent the rest of it trying to find ways back to the station in HILARIOUS ways.

Wes Craven is good at what he does.  But clearly he had to work to get there.  This proves it.  This movie has editing and writing so questionable it is a wonder how it even made it into production.  Why does a movie about a teenage rape and murder need comic relief by two bumbling cops?  Why is the music so goofy and upbeat given the subject matter?  Is it worth seeing?  Not in the least.

DC Universe Online-review

            What’s to say? It’s a fun enough game.  The character creation is pretty cool.  I have some issues with it still.  It was a huge download for a console game.  It still pisses me off that it has a monthly fee.  It also sort of chaps my ass that there are so few trophies to offer.   I mean good lord, I singlehandedly kicked the shit out of the Teen Titans and I got nothing out of it. 

            I am still getting used to wielding an MMO on a console.  So far it’s a fun experience.  I like the game a lot and really it’s neat to be in a world like the DC Universe.  I like going from the Hall of Doom to Metropolis and Gotham on a variety of fun missions.  It’s very intricate and I like that when you are knocked out it’s not a big challenge to get back into the fight.  No running to your body as a ghost and bullshit like that.

            If I could fix this I’d remove the fees.  That is why I quit World of Warcraft.   I also think if they were making it console based they should have made with the info already added rather than forcing you to download hours of crap onto your ps3.  That is just wasting time and memory space for me.  So I had to erase a bunch of shit sadly to get this game up and running.  Sure I can re-download it but what a pain in the ass.

            All in all I recommend it if you are ready to move away from WoW.  Plus if you want to give a MMO a try it’s a decent game.  I am not sure how long the novelty of it will last honestly but I am enjoying it for now and that works at the moment.  I have yet to experience it for all it has to offer, especially when it comes to the pvp aspects.  So if you are in the mood I am in the Crisis server.  Look for the villain coupdegrace. 

Halloween 3: Season of the Witch-review

            You might ask yourself.  Why this movie?  Well it’s one of the only Halloween series not to feature Michael Meyers for starters.   Now I love the Halloween movies.  Especially the first two movies this one is good on its own merits.  So what the hell happened?  They even show footage from the first movie in the third like it’s a cruel joke. 

            As you might recall Michael Meyers is immolated at the end of Halloween part 2 when Dr. Loomis blows both he and Michael up in the hospital.  The only reason the first one had a part two was that it was left incomplete (though I think it works on its own still) with Michael escaping after being shot.   That was supposed to be the end of Michael Meyers.  What they intended to do instead was make serial style movies where each Halloween movie told its own scary tale apart from one another.  However, audiences were fucking confused as to where the hell Michael was that they just went back to that format and ran it into the ground. 

            So 1982 much like his slam on consumerism during the Regan era in “They Live” John Carpenter is up to a neat horror show with a message.  This time though the killer isn’t a mad slasher with William Shatner face mask.  It’s a corporate mad scientist.  The company Silver Shamrock is making masks for Halloween and has spent a fortune promoting them.

            Kids all over the country are running out to by these popular masks.  Dr. Challis becomes keen on the notion that something is amiss when a man is killed on his watch.  Through a series of events he comes to realize it’s a conspiracy of the Silver Shamrock Company to use the masks on Halloween night to kill the children wearing them since apparently they all have computer chips containing small fragments of Stonehenge.  It’s to be for the Gaelic Festival of Samhain which is connected to witchcraft. 

            It’s a creepy little tale but I did wonder why the holy hell Cochran, the businessman running Silver Shamrock would go through the trouble of doing this.  He spent years creating a corporate empire getting to this moment.  He has built androids and has found ways to kill people with masks so he is clearly an evil genius.  So what is the plan?  Why kill all these kids which will ruin the empire he built?  At least give me an explanation like he needs souls to become immortal or something. 

            I just don’t get it.  Even if he was trying to bring up some ancient forgotten demon from the netherworld, at least it’s a goal.  Give me a reason man!  I just don’t buy it.  Well, it’s worth looking into if you don’t want to see the whole series and just want to see something unique.  It’s often overlooked because of the 3 on it and really with all the other sequels numbering things have gotten confusing.  I know this may sound stupid but “Halloween H20: 20 years later” makes it sound more like the 20^th movie  rather then the 7^th.  Even Resurrection still makes you research which one came first.  Now there are remakes by Rob Zombie.  But that is another rant for another time.

           

Monster Squad-review with spoilers

Cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no one's gonna save you from the beast about strike

           As a fan of the classic horror movies I am shocked I never came across this flick.  Kira told me it was a must see since it had just about every movie monster in it and she was not kidding.  It’s basically a bunch of kids up against, Dracula and his brides, a wolfman, Frankenstein’s Monster, a mummy, and the Gill-Man from “Creature from the Black Lagoon”. 

            The movie starts off with Van Helsing in Transylvania.  He and a crew of monster hunters are after an amulet.  They bring a barefoot virgin girl to read some German passage from a scroll to open a void to Limbo.  Unfortunately, it sucks Van Helsing and the girl in the void.   Now it goes to the present day showing us the kids who are all big fans of classic movie monsters.  They even have a club house with old school stuff which is actually kind of cool though one of the kids where’s a shirt that just says “Stephen King Rules”.  Christ, I think I may be one of these losers now as an adult.    One is named Horace but everyone calls him “Fat Kid”. 

           

            He is teased mercilessly by the asshole brother from “Wonder Years”.  Is it me or is that guy always typecast as an asshole?  Anyway he is protected by the somewhat older tougher kid who wants to join their group.  And who wouldn’t want to join that club?  They got a tree house and their own business cards.  The club leader Sean spends most of his time debating stupid questions with his friends like “Could the wolfman drive a car?”

            His mother has recently given him a book at a garage sale which happens to be the journal of Van Helsing.  Too bad he doesn’t speak German and how odd that his Mother would get him a book in a foreign language.  Dracula meanwhile has resurrected and is on the move to them to attempt to get the amulet.  While he does he brings his friend Frankenstein’s Monster.  Out of shear coincidence a man breaks into the police station where Sean’s dad is a cop saying he should be arrested because he is a werewolf. 

            Holy Shit! The wolfman is Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite.  Nice.  He starts to change at the full moon and tosses cops like they were footballs back in ’82 when he could’ve had state.  A mummy escapes the museum for no other reason then to say they have a shambling mummy.  Then When Dracula wants the coffin holding Frankenstein out of the swamp pops the Gill-Man.  So I guess he was there the whole time just waiting for this little gathering? 

Ahh! It's Sloth from The Goonies!

            So the kids got to translate the book at the “Scary German Guy’s” house.  He translates it and is a nice fellow.  Why it’s the Holocaust survivor from the “V” miniseries.  I guess he is playing the same type of character since when they tell him he sure knows a lot about monsters he says “Yes I suppose I do.” and we see his concentration camp tattoo.   

            As if that wasn’t enough Sean’s parents are on the verge of divorce.  And I’m pretty sure Fat Kid is about to lose it from the name calling.  They find out an amulet that is composed of concentrated good.  That must be a rare material indeed. One day out of every century, as the forces of good and evil reach a balance, the otherwise-indestructible amulet becomes vulnerable to destruction. The next day of balance falls within a couple days, at the stroke of midnight.  The kids realize they must gain possession of the amulet before the day of balance arrives; once they have the amulet, the kids can use it with an incantation from Van Helsing's diary and a virgin girl to limbo as seen in the beginning.

Wear sunscreen kids.

            One kid sends a letter to the army asking for help.  Others prepare to fight making weapons and the like.  Meanwhile Frankenstein’s Monster is wandering looking for the diary as per the Count’s request.  He finds Phoebe, Sean’s sister, and befriends the kids becoming a de facto member of the Monster Squad.  The kids find a way to get the amulet out of a stone way adorned with crucifixes which prevent monsters from coming into the room.  Using luck they escape Dracula, his brides, and the wolfman.  They even discover that the wolfman has nards.  A line made classic by this film.   

       
              Dracula wields dynamite like a pro blowing up their club house as well as a few other areas.  Sean’s Father, Del tries to stop him but has no luck.  The mummy is hot in pursuit of the kids in “Scary German Guy’s” jeep.  He unravels killing him.  They find Patrick’s sister and figure on her maidenhood to make them safe. They get to a church and she speaks the words but it turns out she was lying about the whole virgin thing….oops.

            Soon Dracula’s Brides are closing in.  They use stakes to eliminate them.  Even a stick of dynamite doesn’t stop wolfman from piecing himself together.  He needs a silver bullet.  Then Fat Kid gets a shot gun.  He sees those bullies that taunted him earlier.  Holy shit! Is this going to be a revenge movie?  Nope he kills the Gill-Man and makes sure they remember his name is Horace.  So they get Phoebe to read the passage, since hopefully the little girl is a virgin.

Horace got a gun.

            Dracula shows up and calls the little girl a bitch then gets a couple stakes in the heart. After turning into a coat rack the portal to limbo opens and Van Helsing drags Dracula into the void.  Phoebe gives a tearful farewell as Frankenstein’s Monster is also sucked into the abyss.  Finally safe the army arrives too late.  “Who are you kid?” he asks trying to figure out what the hell is going on.  Sean gives him a “We’re the Monster Squad” like Hannibal out of the A-Team. Then the credits roll on the goofiest rap based on a movie I’ve heard since “Turtle Rap”.

            It’s a fun movie.  If you appreciate the material it’s got a lot of laughs. It’s got a very cheesy charm to it that is really worth watching.  I think anyone that likes the old school classic monsters will love “Monster Squad.” It’s pacing decent and really just campy fun.

DC Mega review

​Since DC Universe online has come out today I figured what better subject then to talk about some of the DC cartoon movies I’ve seen recently via Netflix.  Many have impressed with me with how good they are.  Being a comic geek and a cartoon fan I sometimes give them a shot and it surprises me sometimes when they bring a unique vision to the oldest of old school…the DC heroes.

​First up let’s talk about “Justice League: New Frontier”.  It’s the story of how the Justice League came to meet in the face of a terrible alien crisis.  Not really the most interesting story but what interested me is the art style and the fact that it’s set in the 50s style backdrop of when the characters were in the golden age of the comics.

​That sort of blew my mind when you realize Hal Jordan is a Korean War veteran.  It’s a classic era and reminds us how old these characters really are.  My favorite storyline comes in the form of the Martian Manhunter whose story is almost like something out of a creature feature.   The story itself is kind of passable but I am just using this one as a sort of the least of my favorites.   Watch it if you are into a unique art style and nostalgic look at the Justice League.

​Next up is “Superman Doomsday”.  This tells the story of Superman’s battle and death by the villain Doomsday.  Upon stopping him Superman falls to his supposed death.  Lex Luthor however has made clones of Superman and is intending to control this new Superman.  The problem is that this new Superman uses his powers more like a strong arming bully then a hero.  Luckily the old Superman that had supposedly died has been taken to his fortress of solitude and is being revived for this fight with his own clone.

​It’s a damn good movie.  It’s one of those stories that ask about the nature of power and what it can do to corrupt.  Still beneath that philosophical exterior it’s a really interesting look at Superman and Lex Luthor as characters.  He doesn’t understand how a man with the power of a god can do as he does and not demand the worship of the people he saves.   Straying a lot from the rebirth story in the comic it’s still a really fun movie worth watching.

​Finally there is “Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths”.  In this movie Lex Luthor appears and asks to be arrested turns out this Luthor is from an alternate universe where he is in the Justice League and the Heroes are all villains.  He needs our heroes help to fix his world or the fate of the entire universe will be in peril.  This was a fun story with a lot of interesting angles to it.

​It made it a unique challenge for the Justice League when they have to face what is essentially their equals from an alternate universe.  As a comic fan it sort of trips me out when I see a good version of the Joker called the Jester that springs up to help good Lex Luthor and it turns out he has a monkey named Harley Quinn.  That is good writing there.

​All in all the cartoons are pretty good.  I’ve been a fan of Batman the animated series for as long as it’s been on.  Whenever I’ve caught Superman or Justice League I’ve been impressed by it so when I see them actually give the characters the dignity they deserve it’s really cool to watch.   Sure it’s not for everyone.   But if you think comic action might be your bag and you are into animated features give it a look.

Season of the Witch-review

Spare change sire?

            Oddly enough this movie has nothing to do with the Donovan song of the same title or the third Halloween movie.  It’s all about a pair of crusader knights who have to transport a girl to a monastery for a witch trial.  Is she a witch?  All signs point to yes.

            It’s not a bad movie.  There are a lot of cool things going for it.  And as goofy as it is to imagine x as a Knight he is having fun with it at least.  It’s better than the “Sorcerer’s Apprentice”.  The goofy meter does start to get a bit crazy at the end though.  I know this thing is PG-13 but come on.

We're are the knights who say ni!

            Now I am going to talk briefly about some things that are considered spoilers.  The only reason I mention it is because it part of it is given away in the preview.  It’s really ridiculous but the devil makes an appearance.  It looks funky and that is where it really starts to go down hill.  They take the foolish approach of trying to make some stupid battles between ridiculous CGI critters.

  

            Not that some movies don’t have cheesy effects but honestly by today’s modern effects I expect a lot more.  Give us something more than blurry bullshit.    Still it’s not the worst thing in the world.  It just reminds me of the disappointment you get when I saw “The Mummy Returns” and the Scorpion King came out looking like a joke. 

The Plague has not been good to Saruman the White.

            I suspect it’s a movie that is best for DVD.  The girl Clair Foy is a pretty little thing.  The plot is ok and it could have been a lot more eerie but they decided to go the route of showing us less goofy effects.  It’s decent enough.  It’s not really scary.  It’s rather silly but it’s better than crap like “Van Helsing”. 

2001 Manics: Field of Screams-review

Fuck this movie forever!

            A while back I reviewed an awful movie from 2005 called “2001 Maniacs”.  It stared Robert Englund and was just a wretched little piece of shit.  Then I discover it’s got a sequel.  Oh yes! “2001 Maniacs: Field of Screams” was made in 2010.  Most of the cast even came back except oddly enough Robert Englund.  This perplexes me. Since he has stuck it through 8 Nightmare on Elm St. movies but he leaps off this sinking ship faster than a little white girl on the Titanic. 

            Instead we get Bill Moseley who is a decent actor and should be doing better things than this.  Bill is playing the part of George W. Buckman.  The town of Pleasant Valley has not been able to get new Northern bodies to the town to kill and eat.  So after killing the Sheriff in a really stupid manner they decide they are all going to bus north and go to them.  So now Ghost can rent buses and go on road trips?

Can you guess which is the Chinese stereotype

            Meanwhile the Sheraton sisters Rome and Tina are filming their reality series with their boyfriends and camper full of the most painful stereotypes outside of a Michael Bay movie.  First off if you didn’t get the joke that Rome and Tina Sheraton are spoofs of The Hilton sisters I really think the writers of this must’ve thought just making bimbos are dumb slut jokes would make awesome filler because that is all they did when they are on screen. 

            The rest of the screen time between stupid killings is filled with incredibly unfunny racial stereotypes.  Let’s go through the list:

1. The Jewish stereotype. Who comments in Yiddish and loves money and talks about how he got his camera for Passover.
2. The black stereotype (I shit you not) the character’s names are Crow and Black Cherry.  Ahmed Best is in this singing in his Jar Jar Binks finest.
3. The Mexican stereotype which stops working to get high and is just there to be called names like Speedy Gonzalez and Jesus rather than the proper pronunciation that sounds like Hey Zeus.
4. The Chinese Stereotype.  This one is so painful to watch.  The character is names China Rose and she speaks in Engrish and talks about suckee and no tickee no shirtee. 

Eat this.  In memory of me.

Fuck these writers this movie is so offensive I really didn’t even want to write a

review with spoilers because too much detail just annoys me. There are lines that are appalling to hear.  Like when Black Cherry and Jesus are having sex she screams “Fuck me like you did to get your green card.”  What the fuck! And Jesus calls the Jewish guy Schindler which isn’t even apt since Schindler wasn’t Jewish.

            Continuity is all over the place and there is no excuse for it.  If a cigar is blown up in one shot it should be blown up in another.  Not whole and everything fine.  What the fuck!  I am stunned.  They couldn’t even get a real sheep.  One of the characters in the last movie had a bestial relationship with a sheep and it was always with him.  In this they had a goofy fake one and said he had it stuffed but it was clear he got this one at a ToysRus.  The movie even has the balls to have to characters openly debate which is better male on male gay sex or bestiality?  WHAT THE FUCK?!

For heavy flow days... use this script.

            Seriously this movie is awful.  I think they made it to make the original seem better in comparison and if that was the idea it succeeds but that is like taking a dilapidated house and setting the house next to it on fire to make the dilapidated house look better.  I don’t know what to say. I’m stunned by the rottenness of this movie.  How on earth did this get made?  Are there really fans of this series?