The Curse II: The Bite – review

The Curse II: The Bite is a movie that must have seemed like a good idea on paper but on screen it is fairly dull. Most of the movie is watching a young couple drive around and talk about how in love they are. The characters are poorly developed and the story is ludicrous. There are a few gory moments that are interesting to watch but it only happens at the last few minutes of the movie so by then it is too little too late.

Lisa and Clark are a young couple traveling across the country. They have a few mishaps involving hundreds of snakes on their travels. One snake climbs into their car and bites Clark in the left hand. The snake was apparently radioactive or something because the bite is slowing transforming Clark’s hand into a living snake.

The acting is so-so at best. Nobody acts as if the situation is real. They simply see a guy with a snakebite acting like a psychopath and figure he is just being a turd and they can shrug it off. At no point is going to the hospital an option until he is forced to go there. By that point he has a living snake on his hand that for some reason goes right for the mouths of his victims. 

If there is a redeeming feature to this movie it is that Jamie Farr plays a doctor. At first I was not sure if he would be able to pull off an entertaining role in this movie but sure enough he had a decent amount of charm when he was on-screen. The other character that was trying hard, given the material, was Jill Schoelen as Lisa. She had a much more recognizable role later in her life as the daughter in the movie The Stepfather. She actually tries to make the material work.

The pacing is unfortunate. It feels like this movie would have been about 30 minutes long if they simply cut out the filler material like driving over hundreds of snakes in the middle of the road. It added nothing, and besides being odd, it really does not create an atmosphere of horror. The puppets do not even seem to be creative. They are lazily flopped about and it makes me wonder why Curtis has not cut off his own evil hand like Ash in Evil Dead II.

I was not sure if they were attempting to make an environmental message at one point telling the audience straight out that the world is blowing up weapons under ground and dumping things all over the environment. It is such a glancing conversation that they could have discussed their favorite host of Mystery Science Theater 3000 and it would have added as much to the movie. I suppose that they wanted the audience to think that the snakes were somehow mutated by the radiation so their bite can do things that are borderline magic to a person.

Even the music choices are lazy. When about to have a sex scene the young lovers, Lisa and Clark, turn on a radio that plays some soft-core porno riff that could have taken 4 minutes on a Casio keyboard to make. There is nothing that differentiates this movie from the many others like it. It just feels like a product of its time that was made to be VHS rental fodder.

The Curse II: The Bite is not scary, it is not entertaining, and it is not funny. At its bare bones it is another movie that tries hard to rip-off the formula that movies like The Wolf Man have perfected. There is nothing clever or overly creative and it comes off as boring with nothing of value. If there were considerable re-writes this movie might have potential but as it is this movie is not anything but a forgettable film.

From Hell – review

From Hell is a 2001 movie that tells the story of the Jack the Ripper murders. The film is loosely based on the graphic novel by Alan Moore and Eddie Campbell and follows the character of Fredrick Abberline as the films protagonist.  From Hell is an interesting interpretation of the Jack the Ripper story going into Royal conspiracy and building on an atmosphere of gory legend. Much like the source material, the movie does a good job transporting the audience to the location of Whitechapel England in the Victoria era.

Mary Kelly, played by Heather Graham, is a prostitute in Whitechapel England. She and a group of prostitute friends go about their day to day drudgery when one them is kidnapped. Then, one-by-one, they are murdered in horrific fashion by a murderer known as Jack the Ripper. It is up to inspector Fredrick Abberline, played by Johnny Depp, to catch the killer before more innocents can be killed. Soon they are drawn into a conspiracy involving Freemasons and the Royal Family.

From Hell is a beautiful movie. The filmmakers did a wonderful job capturing the grim world of Victorian era England. The camera work and stylized shots are very artistic and really make the movie seem dark and deep with a sort of nightmarish essence through every shot. There are numerous references to the fact that this is the Victorian era. Things like a Buffalo Bill Wild West Show pamphlet or having John Merrick, The Elephant Man, make a cameo appearance might seem clever on paper but on screen it takes you out of the movie. It felt like these sorts of additions were there simply to hit the audience over the head with the time period.

Heather Graham is noticeably bad in this movie. Her cockney accent is not on point at all and she seems to be struggling with portraying basic human emotions. Johnny Depp is not much better as he mumbles in a sleepwalker’s haze through his performance. This movie owes much to the talent of the character actors that make this movie watchable. Robbie Coltrane, Ian Holm and Jason Flemyng all give dynamite performances that pick up the slack that the leads cannot seem to carry.

The story itself is intriguing enough but there is very little reason for the lead characters to even be present. For some reason Fredrick Abberline is a psychic. This seems pointless as this ability does not allow him to save anyone from Jack the Ripper and it does not lead to him catching the killer. In fact the killer, once questioned, confesses everything in a greatly over-the-top fashion makes the visions Abberline have even more bizarre.  Also the killer goes from zero to psychotic in seconds flat. There was no telling as to why the insane switch was pulled, but when it was the killers eyes go black and he rambles insane nonsense as if he is evil personified, which is a touch out of character but it is nevertheless entertaining to watch.

The romance between Abberline and Mary is forced at best and the conclusion that is derived from it is not earned. It felt like a needlessly tacked on happy ending. Even the details of Abberline’s previous marriage and his wife’s death seemed like subjects that were tacked on to emotionally manipulate the audience rather than create a fleshed out character. It would have preferred they leave him out completely if they cannot make a character that is developed beyond a cop with a chip on his shoulder.

From Hell is a good movie for a rental. It showcases a creepy atmosphere and scenes that are gritty and haunting. While the effects are dated and a bit silly, it is still one of the better movies featuring the subject of Jack the Ripper. The conspiracy sort of falls apart if you take a moment to think about it. It is still an entertaining movie that has a gothic feel that will linger with you days after viewing.

Trees – review

Trees is the 2000 movie that lovingly pays homage to Jaws with the tagline “Its bite is worse than its bark.” Instead of a killer shark though, a killer tree is on the loose threatening to ruin Memorial Day for a Vermont town. Many of the scenes and lines are almost directly from the movie Jaws with some occasional tree puns thrown in for good measure. The movie takes itself seriously, which might be the most fun aspect of the entire film. I have seen Jaws parodies and rip-offs before and this movie seems to be one of the only ones made with heart and love of the subject.

Forrest Ranger Mark Cody is investigating a body found in his campground that was apparently killed by a living tree. He wants to close the park during Memorial Day, which is a busy time for the tourist season. The Mayor refuses to close the park and this decision results in more deaths at the hand of the Great White Spruce. Mark Cody enlists the help of botanist Max Cooper and the Lumberjack Squint to kill the killer tree before it can continue to massacre the small camping town.

The acting is genuine. The cast plays it straight the entire time and considering the killer is a tree, they it should be commended. There are not a lot of scenes that are different than the original Jaws movie. There is a strange scene where the Squint character has a pancake eating contest with a local bar patron. I guess that was put in there because Lumberjacks stereotypically like pancakes. There is also a flashback story of Max Cooper remembering his kite being eaten by a tree as if he was Charlie Brown. It is as if people live in a universe where tree attacks are a normal thing and this common occurrence is only unique because the attacks are so brutal.

The major difference between Trees and Jaws is the choice of music. Jaws has a simple but iconic score. Trees also has a score which is simple but sounds much more like filler instead of a well thought out score. Instead of singing, “Show Me the Way to Go Home,” the heroes sing, “Old MacDonald Had a Farm.” It is a strange choice that the filmmakers made. It would have also been nice to see more of the killer tree. I am sure they did this because you did not see much of the shark in Jaws, however, most of what you actually experience of the tree is the green POV shot from its eyes.

There are extensive outtakes during the credits at the end of the film. This reveals the humor and good nature of the production. The work to make the movie similar is evident and really shows the skills of the filmmakers. The effects and the editing are quick and look like there was actual effort put into making the movie a strong parody. There are a few moments of blood and gore and they are pretty funny since it is like seeing a bucket of blood thrown through the branches of a pine tree.

If you are a fan of Jaws you will likely enjoy Trees. It is clearly a labor of love and must have had a loyal enough following to warrant a sequel, Trees II: The Root of All Evil. The movie has good humor and seems like it was made with the intention to praise their subject and not simply mock it. If you have not seen the original Jaws yet you should definitely see that movie first then see Trees so that you will be in on the jokes. It is an entertaining movie that had me smiling throughout most of the film. On paper it seems like an incredibly silly idea, but because of the charm of the actors and the skills of the filmmakers, this movie works and is worth checking out.

The Gate II: Trespassers – review

The Gate II: Trespassers is the 1990 sequel to the 1987 movie The Gate, which starred a young Stephen Dorff. This movie follows up with the best friend character, Terry, five years after the events of the first film. Much of the same thematic mood, makeup effects, and stop motion are used in this movie.  It is not as creepy as the original but it still a decent follow up that is worth watching.

After the events of the first film Glen and his family have moved away. Terry has many family problems and decides that the only way to fix things is to go back to the gate and summon the demonic powers.  While he is doing the ritual two bullies, John and Moe, arrive along with Liz, John’s girlfriend, played by Pamela Adlon (nee Segall). Pamela might be familiar for her working with Louis C.K. and her voice work as Bobby Hill in King of the Hill. They summon a demonic minion who ends up granting them wishes but it inevitably backfires.

The acting is all very on point. The material has a certain level of seriousness that is met well and handled well without scenery chewing or winking to the audience. The silly aspects of the script are handled well and played seriously which makes the movie a little creepier during the actual dramatic scenes. The characters are charismatic enough that you care about their success and hope that they can correct their mistakes. Pamela Adlon is particularly fun and she plays a teenage girl well.  Louis Tripp as Terry has a great look. There is something slightly sinister about his look but at the same time he is very vulnerable.

The stop motion creatures are very cool looking and the makeup is quite gross and well done. The demonic minion is creepy and shows a lot of skill and effort in animating the creature. Much like the original, The Gate II: Trespassers shows that there can be horror movies for teens that come to terms with issues like depression, alcoholism, bullies, and death in the family. These are heavy subjects and they are dealt with in a mature manner. This movie has a very upbeat ending like the original and perhaps it is for the best since so many horror films have to end on a down note.

I would have really liked to see more of the monster creatures that existed in the first film. In the last big scene a giant creature threatens the whole family. While you do see other types of demons it would have been interesting to see the scale go bigger no the threat level. The story sometimes has elements of Lovecraft with The Monkey’s Paw and parts of a campfire story on screen. The ending seems like it tries a little too hard to be a happy ending. Still, the ending does not mar an otherwise entertaining movie filled with fun performances and decent effects.

The Gate II: Trespassers is a good movie that is worth seeing if you enjoyed the first movie or if you are a horror fan in general. If you did not see the previous film then you might get lost in a few of the smaller details but this movie does not linger in those in order to make its own story. It would have been nice to see Glen and his family but this still works. I liked that Terry still had a life that was not all sunshine and roses and the temptation of the power behind the gate drew him back for a second taste. The Gate is a series that could probably be due for a remake. It is a fun, original, and creepy movie but I would not mind seeing someone else’s interpretation. It is an entertaining film that should be given a chance.

Lullaby – review

Lullaby is a chore to watch. The characters are all terribly unlikeable people. The story is ludicrous and the unpleasant material in the movie is matched only by acting that is on par with DMV employees. The predictability of this plot becomes evident really soon into the film, which is disappointing.

John is a young man caring for a young girl and baby. While taking care of these kids at a nice suburban home, it becomes evident that John is not actually their parent. Their actual parents have been injured and are being kept in the basement. John has an insane fascination with the mother of this family and his history with her has led to him invading their home.

The beginning of the film prior to discovering John’s nature is very odd to watch. The acting is on par with imagining aliens coming to Earth and pretending to be casual humans in human skin and yet not being natural in any delivery. John seems bored then uncomfortable. The “twist” is predictable and while it is supposed to be disturbing it mostly comes off as cheap. I’ve seen more natural deliveries from C3P0 than some of the actors on screen.

The biggest movie plot hole is that the police have the house surrounded and John constantly walks around the windows. The police snipers or a semi-competent S.W.A.T. team would have ended this movie a long time ago. We would not have to deal with the terrible relationship drama of the married couple in the basement and the insanity of John. There are scenes where the baby that John is watching is crying and the baby is obviously very visibly upset. It makes the movie come off really unpleasant and I feel very disappointed that they made a baby sad for this movie. It simply is not worth it.

If there is a redeeming factor to Lullaby it is that there are scenes that are made to make you feel uncomfortable that are successful at their purpose. At one point a neighbor visits John while he is with the kids and she wanders into the house uninvited, stands incredibly close to John, and even eats some of his food. It is an invasive scene but the mood is achieved.

If they could re-write this movie I can think of a few items that would polish it up. For one thing, seeing the actual home invasion in a flashback would have worked. It would have added some tension to the movie. There is also a scene where the little girl has diabetes and passes out. While discussing the option of releasing the mother to give the girl her insulin the next scene just shows John giving the now conscious girl a glass of water. That disconnect really could have had a transition that made what occurred much more clear. Then, when it is revealed that John is violent it gets disturbing fast. When on the phone to police negotiators he basically says he will rape and gut the kids if the police do not turn back on the electricity. Now whether or not the character would actually do that is up for debate but it still makes the central character of the narrative pretty despicable to even seriously suggest that to the police.

Lullaby is not an entertaining movie. The characters are wildly unlikable and since the writing direction comes off more like a poor stage play than a film there is very little to keep a person interested. This is the sort of movie that might have worked back in the early 90s when twists in movies were all the rage and nobody had smartphones to contend with for the attention of the viewer. Also with so many better movies, even in the independent arena there are a lot of reasons to make sure that the product is decent. If you are looking for a movie about home invasions that have some brains I suggest Panic Room, When a Stranger Calls, or the most recent version of Mother’s Day.

The Carnage Collection – review

The Carnage Collection attempts to be an anthology of horror stories. Where it fails is that there is usually something that ties it all together in a coherent framework. While The Carnage Collection does have a framework, it is a flimsy one that does not have a worthy pay-off for the time spent watching the several lame stories that compose this anthology series.

The story begins with a cable salesman selling a new service to a young man. As he hooks up his new box the young man flips through the channels and the screen is what we are supposedly seeing. The stories consist of the following:

- A killer foul-mouth decorative Santa which kills two brothers.

- A POV shot story of a guy buying drugs. He takes some mysterious drug and hallucinates. The end.

- A lonely guy has sex with his VCR, which comes alive and kills him.

- Two guys go searching for weed and get a text to go to the cemetery where a robed figure gives them weed, which causes them to rot and die.

- A girl draws a picture of a creepy clown, which comes alive and kills the girl’s family and two random women in the woods.

- A suicidal man is saved from death constantly by a guardian angel that is actually the angel of death making sure he meets his appointed fate.

- A girl is chased in the woods by a masked killer who kidnaps and brutally tortures her. She then manages to grab his knife and kill her attacker before dying of her wounds.

- A girl with a lot of stuffed animals gets a plush sloth she names Rufio that she believes can talk. Then she proceeds to drug and rape a friend at the urging of the Rufio. She first rapes with a plastic doll, then with a knife. After the rape she kills herself.

All of these stories come together inevitably because the cable man is the devil and apparently he just wanted to kill an average guy by having him watch garbage. Most of these stories seem more like jokes with no punch line.

The acting is abysmal and the people involved seem to be reading off cue cards at times. The camera work is so amateur that it is often hard to tell what is actually happening on screen. It comes off more like someone got their home movie made in to a feature length film. Not that it really matters since the subject material seems to be made to display the bitter opinion the filmmakers have of the world.

The best anthology movies usually make each story something that could easily stand on its own. This movie has sections that are more like commercials in the middle of a fever dream. With eight stories and the framework it feels like the writer just tossed out ideas in a brainstorming session and they filmed it no matter what. The sex and rape scenes might not be realistic but the use of sex toys makes the scenes borderline pornographic at times. That level of exploitation just for shock value is just annoying and tacky.

If you are looking for really good horror anthology movies I recommend Trick ‘r Treat, Tales From the Darkside, and Creepshow. There are a few moments that are such as seeing the killer Santa stabbing a guy and realizing the decorative Santa has tape in his fists to hold items. These “so bad it is good” moments are okay at best, but, like a breath of fresh air at a Snoop Dog concert, it is a rare thing. An anthology movie should keep its central theme in mind and remember what it is trying to achieve with each story. The Carnage Collection are just ideas that are too underdeveloped for an actual plot with stories that are the equivalent of the aristocrats jokes.

B.C. Butcher – review

B.C. Butcher is the kind of film that seems like it was fun to be on the set. That same fun is not felt in the overall production. The story is muddled, the effects are terrible, the script is childish, and the acting is groan-worthy. I can excuse a lot since the writer-director was a child herself when writing and directing this film. B.C. Butcher is a piece of clay in search of a sculptor. It will likely entertain a very select group of tastes.

Neandra, a cave woman and leader of her tribe gets jealous of a girl who was with her caveman, Rex, played by Kato Kaelin. Neandra sacrifices this girl on a tree and the B.C. Butcher, a monster that lives in the area, apparently finds the body and puts it upon himself to enact revenge upon the women that killed the girl. Can Neandra stop this monster?

The music in this movie is good. There is a punk/rockabilly vibe that is sort of reminiscent of a 1960s movie, which is stylized and cool. The script is mostly filled with pre-historical puns like an episode of The Flintstones. At times it is clever and at times it will make you roll your eyes.  There is a vibe that this would be the tribe that Bettie Page would be in when she was in her tribal garb.

The costumes are simply leopard print cloth torn to look like loincloths. The monster is so obviously a guy in a bad mask that he might as well have been a trick-or-treater that walked on the set. They use clearly anachronistic items like steak knives, sunglasses, and have metal piercings. The title character is also called B.C. Butcher. I find that perplexing as that means that cave people have knowledge of the difference between BC/AD and also have somehow figured out the profession of butcher. Normally, I do not try to nitpick that sort of thing to such a degree but when it takes me out the movie it should be brought up. Not that this movie seems to desire to keep its audience in the movie. For example: apropos of nothing there is a scene in which the director’s boyfriend, Rodney Bingenheimer, shows up in modern dress with a duck to introduce a band that plays.

B.C. Butcher is like watching a teenage girl’s home movie. You are impressed that they made something but you also feel a bit embarrassed for the people involved. The good thing is that the sound track is tolerable and the movie is short. It is campy and I suppose a person can enjoy it for that quality as well. The worst aspect is Kato Kalein. In an interview it stated that much of his dialogue was improvised. I am sure he is a nice guy, but his jokes simply do not land and he comes off like a kid trying so hard to make a group of adults laugh. His character could have almost been written out and the film would have been better for it.

B.C. Butcher unfortunately is just not entertaining enough to recommend to people. It feels like the results of a slumber party and too much sugar. There are so many better caveman movies out there. If you are looking for something serious go with Quest For Fire if you are looking for lighter fare I suggest One Million Years B.C. Director, Kansas Bowling is still very young and has a long career ahead of her. The movie is flawed but it looks like it was fun to make and I imagine that if you are a fan of cute girls in leopard print and movies that are so corny that they feel like they come right off the kernel, than this film might be right off your alley. It is a Troma production and with that comes a certain quality you need to be prepared to experience.