Lullaby – review

Lullaby is a chore to watch. The characters are all terribly unlikeable people. The story is ludicrous and the unpleasant material in the movie is matched only by acting that is on par with DMV employees. The predictability of this plot becomes evident really soon into the film, which is disappointing.

John is a young man caring for a young girl and baby. While taking care of these kids at a nice suburban home, it becomes evident that John is not actually their parent. Their actual parents have been injured and are being kept in the basement. John has an insane fascination with the mother of this family and his history with her has led to him invading their home.

The beginning of the film prior to discovering John’s nature is very odd to watch. The acting is on par with imagining aliens coming to Earth and pretending to be casual humans in human skin and yet not being natural in any delivery. John seems bored then uncomfortable. The “twist” is predictable and while it is supposed to be disturbing it mostly comes off as cheap. I’ve seen more natural deliveries from C3P0 than some of the actors on screen.

The biggest movie plot hole is that the police have the house surrounded and John constantly walks around the windows. The police snipers or a semi-competent S.W.A.T. team would have ended this movie a long time ago. We would not have to deal with the terrible relationship drama of the married couple in the basement and the insanity of John. There are scenes where the baby that John is watching is crying and the baby is obviously very visibly upset. It makes the movie come off really unpleasant and I feel very disappointed that they made a baby sad for this movie. It simply is not worth it.

If there is a redeeming factor to Lullaby it is that there are scenes that are made to make you feel uncomfortable that are successful at their purpose. At one point a neighbor visits John while he is with the kids and she wanders into the house uninvited, stands incredibly close to John, and even eats some of his food. It is an invasive scene but the mood is achieved.

If they could re-write this movie I can think of a few items that would polish it up. For one thing, seeing the actual home invasion in a flashback would have worked. It would have added some tension to the movie. There is also a scene where the little girl has diabetes and passes out. While discussing the option of releasing the mother to give the girl her insulin the next scene just shows John giving the now conscious girl a glass of water. That disconnect really could have had a transition that made what occurred much more clear. Then, when it is revealed that John is violent it gets disturbing fast. When on the phone to police negotiators he basically says he will rape and gut the kids if the police do not turn back on the electricity. Now whether or not the character would actually do that is up for debate but it still makes the central character of the narrative pretty despicable to even seriously suggest that to the police.

Lullaby is not an entertaining movie. The characters are wildly unlikable and since the writing direction comes off more like a poor stage play than a film there is very little to keep a person interested. This is the sort of movie that might have worked back in the early 90s when twists in movies were all the rage and nobody had smartphones to contend with for the attention of the viewer. Also with so many better movies, even in the independent arena there are a lot of reasons to make sure that the product is decent. If you are looking for a movie about home invasions that have some brains I suggest Panic Room, When a Stranger Calls, or the most recent version of Mother’s Day.

The Carnage Collection – review

The Carnage Collection attempts to be an anthology of horror stories. Where it fails is that there is usually something that ties it all together in a coherent framework. While The Carnage Collection does have a framework, it is a flimsy one that does not have a worthy pay-off for the time spent watching the several lame stories that compose this anthology series.

The story begins with a cable salesman selling a new service to a young man. As he hooks up his new box the young man flips through the channels and the screen is what we are supposedly seeing. The stories consist of the following:

- A killer foul-mouth decorative Santa which kills two brothers.

- A POV shot story of a guy buying drugs. He takes some mysterious drug and hallucinates. The end.

- A lonely guy has sex with his VCR, which comes alive and kills him.

- Two guys go searching for weed and get a text to go to the cemetery where a robed figure gives them weed, which causes them to rot and die.

- A girl draws a picture of a creepy clown, which comes alive and kills the girl’s family and two random women in the woods.

- A suicidal man is saved from death constantly by a guardian angel that is actually the angel of death making sure he meets his appointed fate.

- A girl is chased in the woods by a masked killer who kidnaps and brutally tortures her. She then manages to grab his knife and kill her attacker before dying of her wounds.

- A girl with a lot of stuffed animals gets a plush sloth she names Rufio that she believes can talk. Then she proceeds to drug and rape a friend at the urging of the Rufio. She first rapes with a plastic doll, then with a knife. After the rape she kills herself.

All of these stories come together inevitably because the cable man is the devil and apparently he just wanted to kill an average guy by having him watch garbage. Most of these stories seem more like jokes with no punch line.

The acting is abysmal and the people involved seem to be reading off cue cards at times. The camera work is so amateur that it is often hard to tell what is actually happening on screen. It comes off more like someone got their home movie made in to a feature length film. Not that it really matters since the subject material seems to be made to display the bitter opinion the filmmakers have of the world.

The best anthology movies usually make each story something that could easily stand on its own. This movie has sections that are more like commercials in the middle of a fever dream. With eight stories and the framework it feels like the writer just tossed out ideas in a brainstorming session and they filmed it no matter what. The sex and rape scenes might not be realistic but the use of sex toys makes the scenes borderline pornographic at times. That level of exploitation just for shock value is just annoying and tacky.

If you are looking for really good horror anthology movies I recommend Trick ‘r Treat, Tales From the Darkside, and Creepshow. There are a few moments that are such as seeing the killer Santa stabbing a guy and realizing the decorative Santa has tape in his fists to hold items. These “so bad it is good” moments are okay at best, but, like a breath of fresh air at a Snoop Dog concert, it is a rare thing. An anthology movie should keep its central theme in mind and remember what it is trying to achieve with each story. The Carnage Collection are just ideas that are too underdeveloped for an actual plot with stories that are the equivalent of the aristocrats jokes.

B.C. Butcher – review

B.C. Butcher is the kind of film that seems like it was fun to be on the set. That same fun is not felt in the overall production. The story is muddled, the effects are terrible, the script is childish, and the acting is groan-worthy. I can excuse a lot since the writer-director was a child herself when writing and directing this film. B.C. Butcher is a piece of clay in search of a sculptor. It will likely entertain a very select group of tastes.

Neandra, a cave woman and leader of her tribe gets jealous of a girl who was with her caveman, Rex, played by Kato Kaelin. Neandra sacrifices this girl on a tree and the B.C. Butcher, a monster that lives in the area, apparently finds the body and puts it upon himself to enact revenge upon the women that killed the girl. Can Neandra stop this monster?

The music in this movie is good. There is a punk/rockabilly vibe that is sort of reminiscent of a 1960s movie, which is stylized and cool. The script is mostly filled with pre-historical puns like an episode of The Flintstones. At times it is clever and at times it will make you roll your eyes.  There is a vibe that this would be the tribe that Bettie Page would be in when she was in her tribal garb.

The costumes are simply leopard print cloth torn to look like loincloths. The monster is so obviously a guy in a bad mask that he might as well have been a trick-or-treater that walked on the set. They use clearly anachronistic items like steak knives, sunglasses, and have metal piercings. The title character is also called B.C. Butcher. I find that perplexing as that means that cave people have knowledge of the difference between BC/AD and also have somehow figured out the profession of butcher. Normally, I do not try to nitpick that sort of thing to such a degree but when it takes me out the movie it should be brought up. Not that this movie seems to desire to keep its audience in the movie. For example: apropos of nothing there is a scene in which the director’s boyfriend, Rodney Bingenheimer, shows up in modern dress with a duck to introduce a band that plays.

B.C. Butcher is like watching a teenage girl’s home movie. You are impressed that they made something but you also feel a bit embarrassed for the people involved. The good thing is that the sound track is tolerable and the movie is short. It is campy and I suppose a person can enjoy it for that quality as well. The worst aspect is Kato Kalein. In an interview it stated that much of his dialogue was improvised. I am sure he is a nice guy, but his jokes simply do not land and he comes off like a kid trying so hard to make a group of adults laugh. His character could have almost been written out and the film would have been better for it.

B.C. Butcher unfortunately is just not entertaining enough to recommend to people. It feels like the results of a slumber party and too much sugar. There are so many better caveman movies out there. If you are looking for something serious go with Quest For Fire if you are looking for lighter fare I suggest One Million Years B.C. Director, Kansas Bowling is still very young and has a long career ahead of her. The movie is flawed but it looks like it was fun to make and I imagine that if you are a fan of cute girls in leopard print and movies that are so corny that they feel like they come right off the kernel, than this film might be right off your alley. It is a Troma production and with that comes a certain quality you need to be prepared to experience. 

The Anatomy of Monsters – review

The Anatomy of Monsters is thriller from 2014 and based in Seattle. There are few words that describe this movie as well as amateur. The script is charmless and the cinematography goes hand in hand with the sloppy editing.  There is very little to make anyone want to see a movie that is this poorly crafted.

Andrew intends to meet a girl in the bar with the intention of murdering her. He comes across Sarah, played by Tabitha Bastien. When they hit it off they go to a seedy hotel where she gets handcuffed and he wields a knife at her menacingly. At that time she reveals that she is a killer herself and he was a target for her. They then discuss what made them the killers that they are using flashbacks.

It feels like Tabitha Bastien is trying really hard with the material. She might be an okay actress if the project was not something awful. Unfortunately, the script, production and other actors do not do any favors for her and her performance falls flat. She is attempting to carry this movie and there is just not enough support to make anything she does memorable. Andrew is written as a sociopath and you would have to be blind, deaf, and dumb to not notice that this is a guy who looks at women and wonders if he can wear her skin. There is nothing subtle about it.

The filter on the lens seems like it has the Photoshop burn tool covering the screen. Andrew’s knife is clearly not real and you would think that would be an easy prop to get for a film. The blood effects and Foley sounds are poorly done and do not convey any seriousness in their shoddy quality. Even the music does not do any favors for The Anatomy of Monsters; there is a near constant techno soundtrack and often the volume is so much that you need to struggle to hear the actors.

The script is awkward. The jokes do not land and the scenes are black holes of wit. For example, a little girl’s father has a problem with their family cats disappearing so he says: “I’m not taking out a second mortgage to restock our cat supply.” The script does not even agree with what is on screen. When someone says: “You are holding up traffic.” It helps to actually have there be traffic in the street. There is also a flashback within a flashback, which comes off as lazy screenwriting.

There is an homage to the movie Halloween that adds nothing to the plot. It is as if the writer felt that pop culture references would automatically equal humor. Characters that are supposed to be quirky and charming just come off as creepy and annoying. The makeup effects are all things that could be done by the local high school drama class and the action is lazily done in such a way that the only people that will be pleased by the results will be the actors that can now add “stage combat” to their resumes.

I cannot recommend this movie to anyone beyond the person looking for something in the “How did this get made?” category. It is not particularly well made nor does it seem to have a message of any sort. It is also not a funny movie in any sense of the word. The bizarre framework for the entire love story is truly unentertaining. The entire idea of a serial killer looking to make things work within their daily lives has been done better. Even charismatic killers exist in the forms of Dexter and Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. If there was more time to re-write this script idea and re-edit this movie it may have been salvageable. This is the sort of movie that you might need a palate cleanser after so that you do not lose hope that there are better films out there.

Open Water- review

Open Water is a 2003 horror movie shot on a shoe-string budget about the true story of Tom and Eileen Lonergan, a vacationing couple that went scuba diving in 1998 in the Bahamas and were left out in open sea. The movie portrays what folks suppose happened to them using actors that are fairly unknown, with the exception of Steve Lemme of Broken Lizard that plays an uncredited diver. The camera filters used give the movie an incredibly cheap feel.

Daniel Kintner, played by Daniel Travis, and Susan Watkins, played by Blanchard Ryan, are a young couple that are having some relationship difficulties. They decide to go scuba diving together and join a group on a on an ocean boat. While on the boat a head count is taken and they mistakenly count 20 instead of the 18 that are there.  Daniel and Susan have been left behind in the ocean and the boat is nowhere to be found.

Open Water capitalizes on the uneasy feeling one might get swimming alone in the ocean. There is very little action and considering that the couple finds themselves attacked by both jellyfish and sharks, there is very little actually seen on screen. The sound quality is fairly poor and the film looks like a home video. Why the filmmakers decided upon this is a bit baffling. The dialogue is forgettable and there are not a lot of compelling reasons to captivate the viewer. The thing that this movie has going for it is that it has a creepy premise that is based on a terrible true story. The problem is that it is really not something that needed to be told in the length of a feature length film. This story could probably have a just been a half hour documentary that would have been more interesting.

The Netflix sleeve claimed that Open Water is a mix of Jaws and the Blair Witch Project.  I think that is a bit of a stretch. For one thing, the sharks are more like an unfortunate by-product of being the ocean where in Jaws the shark is the antagonist of the film. It is also not like The Blair Witch Project since the camera operator does not play a part directly in the film. The movie is creepy as an idea but fails to be scary. There are a lot more movies that are “based on a true story” that involve a lot more drama, are much more horrific, and have characters that are more developed.  If you are looking in the horror genre check into Wolf Creek or the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre and if you are looking into drama on the high seas look no further than The Perfect Storm. 

I’ll admit the ocean can be eerie.  When I imagine swimming in open water it gives me the sort of tingly fear that I’d feel if I were floating in space.  Except in the ocean, there could be giants living in the dark lurking and possibly hunting you.  For all the build up, the tragedy is somewhat underwhelming by the lack of character development and the shoddy quality of the film and sound. Is Open Water worth seeing?  Probably not, considering that there have been movies that have attempted what this film has done and succeeded. Open Water is the sort of movie that you watch and quickly forget because nothing stands out. Instead you might go into the ocean and if you swim in the open ocean you might feel a chill as you slowly recollect the basic plot of this movie. Open Water has become the campfire story that people will end up telling kids about traveling and what terrifying things can occur to a person when their guard is not kept up.

The Arrival – review

Before he became the punch line to his own set of jokes, Charlie Sheen was considered a serious actor. What better role for a man who acts insane in his daily life than one who acts like a paranoid radio astronomer.  The 1996 style of effects are very present in The Arrival. A handful of decent practical effects along with strange blurry CG effects that have not aged well.

Radio astronomer Zane Zaminsky, played by Charlie Sheen, has just discovered a radio signal from a star 14 light years from Earth. When he brings it up to his supervisors he is promptly let go for “budget cuts.” Zane then starts a one-man crusade against NASA to get his data from the signal to the public. Unfortunately there is a conspiracy afoot involving extraterrestrials with goals of terraforming the Earth for their needs. Zane must watch his step or his life and the lives of the people he tells about the signal are in danger.

Charlie Sheen is great in this movie.  He plays paranoid well and he has the charisma to pull off a roll as strange as this. You want him to succeed in his goals because he isn’t a cocky scientist but one that just wants to have the truth revealed. Just because the main character is likeable does not mean others are. For instance, for some reason there is a little urban kid written to follow Zane around named Kiki. He is annoying and honestly nobody outside of the movie Naked Lunch should be named Kiki. Zane also has a girlfriend named Char, played by Teri Polo, who should have been named Red Herring.

The story tends to move very slowly towards the conspiracy, giving occasional glimpses of what is behind everything.  It becomes a little silly once you find out what is behind everything and you realize that it creates massive holes in logic. For example: Why would aliens that have no qualms about destroying and killing things using their technology use several boxes of scorpions to murder a woman? If aliens could terraform a planet to fit their needs, why wouldn’t they find a planet without existing life so that the move would be easier?

The scorpion scene is at least filled with tension and is well shot. In a hotel room a woman is walking about, doing her nightly routine. We, as the audience, see that there are several scorpions in the room and she is narrowly stung several times. The entire time you are wondering when the killing sting will occur.  It is very much like the build up before a scene in a Final Destination movie. The memorable moments are very few and far between. Some characters you are introduced to only to have them die soon after so they cannot be developed.

The practical effects are fine and show a lot of skills to the filmmakers. Where it gets ridiculous are the CG effects, which look cartoonish and unbelievable and have not aged well.  The Arrival has the same sort of feel as an episode of The X-Files. The alien’s ultimate goal of using green house gases to warm the planet for terraforming purposes has an obvious environmental message but is, thankfully, not super preachy about the theme.

The Arrival is not scary. If that is what you are looking for then you are in the wrong ballpark. This movie is more along the lines of a sci-fi conspiracy thriller.  It is okay and might be worth seeing as a rental or if you have nothing better on television and it happens to play. The movie is a forgettable part of the alien hype that got lost in the shuffle when Independence Day came out the same year. If I want a movie with aliens, conspiracy, and paranoia I would recommend sticking to John Carpenter’s The Thing or They Live.

The Legend of Wasco – Review

On paper The Legend of Wasco sounds like an awful idea for a movie. I’m not sure how anyone would be spooked by this movie unless they are terrified of clowns and copious amounts of balloons. This movie is a satire of horror movies yet the actors play their roles it as straight as they possibly can. The characters are interesting and the dialogue is fairly realistic given the situations. It comes down to the poor technical effects and clear lack of budget that hinder the film.

Tyler and Christy is a young engaged couple who are visited by Christy’s brother Byron. Byron and Tyler bond over beers and tell the legend of three murdering clowns that kidnapped the mayor’s daughter and raped her. After getting caught by the police they were given backwoods justice and killed, cursing the town upon their deaths. Tyler is a dancing clown for a car wash and Byron takes pictures for the Internet. The social media frenzy resurrects the fiendish killer clowns. As new bodies begin piling up it is now up to Christy, Tyler, and Byron to find a way to kill these clowns from Hell to stop them from killing more people.

For a horror movie the filmmakers seemed to pick an odd subject. Clowns to me, and to a lot of people, are simply not scary. On occasion, when the clowns are approaching some of their victims, a room will be filled with balloons as if that is supposed to be frightening. I think the movie is aware of this because at one time Byron says, “I’m just not scared yet. They are just balloons.” 

The characters are interesting and well developed. The dialogue between them seems authentic and fits the scenes appropriately. The acting is fair but nothing notable. I would imagine that these kids are the stars of their college improve team but they are a long ways away from becoming award winners of the big screen.

Where the movie falls flat is on a technical aspect. The sound has an echo in almost every room, which is very distracting. There is also the matter of the lighting- several scenes are too dark to see what is happening. Filmmakers need to know that if you are doing a scene in poor lighting you might as well have the lens cap on. Either way you can’t see anything.

The music is actually very fitting for the horror genre and sounds reminiscent of many of the John Carpenter films. There are some other scenes that seem to pay homage to other films ranging from Carnival of Souls to Back to the Future. The fight scenes and the action scenes are fairly lazy. The struggles of a girl about to die could be compared with a tired baby being hauled off to their crib. Another frustration is that kills occur off-screen and the violence is simply implied with a blood splatter.

Considering the homage scenes, some of the meta dialogue, and the use of things like a “knife forged in hell,” I cannot help but think that this is a tongue-in-cheek movie which does not take itself too seriously. With that mindset, this movie is quite enjoyable. The fact that the actors play it straight the entire time without making nods to the camera or mugging for forced laughs is commendable. If you are looking for a serious horror film this will certainly disappoint you.

As a satire on the horror genre it might be considered fairly clever. It takes three people with real “adult” problems and places them in a situation that is ridiculous and laughable. The only people that will truly be chilled by this story though, will be those audience members that cannot handle clowns. It really is a shame that the technical problems make this movie worse then it actually is. If it had a bigger budget The Legend of Wasco could have been the 2015 version of Stitches.