The Anatomy of Monsters – review

The Anatomy of Monsters is thriller from 2014 and based in Seattle. There are few words that describe this movie as well as amateur. The script is charmless and the cinematography goes hand in hand with the sloppy editing.  There is very little to make anyone want to see a movie that is this poorly crafted.

Andrew intends to meet a girl in the bar with the intention of murdering her. He comes across Sarah, played by Tabitha Bastien. When they hit it off they go to a seedy hotel where she gets handcuffed and he wields a knife at her menacingly. At that time she reveals that she is a killer herself and he was a target for her. They then discuss what made them the killers that they are using flashbacks.

It feels like Tabitha Bastien is trying really hard with the material. She might be an okay actress if the project was not something awful. Unfortunately, the script, production and other actors do not do any favors for her and her performance falls flat. She is attempting to carry this movie and there is just not enough support to make anything she does memorable. Andrew is written as a sociopath and you would have to be blind, deaf, and dumb to not notice that this is a guy who looks at women and wonders if he can wear her skin. There is nothing subtle about it.

The filter on the lens seems like it has the Photoshop burn tool covering the screen. Andrew’s knife is clearly not real and you would think that would be an easy prop to get for a film. The blood effects and Foley sounds are poorly done and do not convey any seriousness in their shoddy quality. Even the music does not do any favors for The Anatomy of Monsters; there is a near constant techno soundtrack and often the volume is so much that you need to struggle to hear the actors.

The script is awkward. The jokes do not land and the scenes are black holes of wit. For example, a little girl’s father has a problem with their family cats disappearing so he says: “I’m not taking out a second mortgage to restock our cat supply.” The script does not even agree with what is on screen. When someone says: “You are holding up traffic.” It helps to actually have there be traffic in the street. There is also a flashback within a flashback, which comes off as lazy screenwriting.

There is an homage to the movie Halloween that adds nothing to the plot. It is as if the writer felt that pop culture references would automatically equal humor. Characters that are supposed to be quirky and charming just come off as creepy and annoying. The makeup effects are all things that could be done by the local high school drama class and the action is lazily done in such a way that the only people that will be pleased by the results will be the actors that can now add “stage combat” to their resumes.

I cannot recommend this movie to anyone beyond the person looking for something in the “How did this get made?” category. It is not particularly well made nor does it seem to have a message of any sort. It is also not a funny movie in any sense of the word. The bizarre framework for the entire love story is truly unentertaining. The entire idea of a serial killer looking to make things work within their daily lives has been done better. Even charismatic killers exist in the forms of Dexter and Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer. If there was more time to re-write this script idea and re-edit this movie it may have been salvageable. This is the sort of movie that you might need a palate cleanser after so that you do not lose hope that there are better films out there.

Open Water- review

Open Water is a 2003 horror movie shot on a shoe-string budget about the true story of Tom and Eileen Lonergan, a vacationing couple that went scuba diving in 1998 in the Bahamas and were left out in open sea. The movie portrays what folks suppose happened to them using actors that are fairly unknown, with the exception of Steve Lemme of Broken Lizard that plays an uncredited diver. The camera filters used give the movie an incredibly cheap feel.

Daniel Kintner, played by Daniel Travis, and Susan Watkins, played by Blanchard Ryan, are a young couple that are having some relationship difficulties. They decide to go scuba diving together and join a group on a on an ocean boat. While on the boat a head count is taken and they mistakenly count 20 instead of the 18 that are there.  Daniel and Susan have been left behind in the ocean and the boat is nowhere to be found.

Open Water capitalizes on the uneasy feeling one might get swimming alone in the ocean. There is very little action and considering that the couple finds themselves attacked by both jellyfish and sharks, there is very little actually seen on screen. The sound quality is fairly poor and the film looks like a home video. Why the filmmakers decided upon this is a bit baffling. The dialogue is forgettable and there are not a lot of compelling reasons to captivate the viewer. The thing that this movie has going for it is that it has a creepy premise that is based on a terrible true story. The problem is that it is really not something that needed to be told in the length of a feature length film. This story could probably have a just been a half hour documentary that would have been more interesting.

The Netflix sleeve claimed that Open Water is a mix of Jaws and the Blair Witch Project.  I think that is a bit of a stretch. For one thing, the sharks are more like an unfortunate by-product of being the ocean where in Jaws the shark is the antagonist of the film. It is also not like The Blair Witch Project since the camera operator does not play a part directly in the film. The movie is creepy as an idea but fails to be scary. There are a lot more movies that are “based on a true story” that involve a lot more drama, are much more horrific, and have characters that are more developed.  If you are looking in the horror genre check into Wolf Creek or the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre and if you are looking into drama on the high seas look no further than The Perfect Storm. 

I’ll admit the ocean can be eerie.  When I imagine swimming in open water it gives me the sort of tingly fear that I’d feel if I were floating in space.  Except in the ocean, there could be giants living in the dark lurking and possibly hunting you.  For all the build up, the tragedy is somewhat underwhelming by the lack of character development and the shoddy quality of the film and sound. Is Open Water worth seeing?  Probably not, considering that there have been movies that have attempted what this film has done and succeeded. Open Water is the sort of movie that you watch and quickly forget because nothing stands out. Instead you might go into the ocean and if you swim in the open ocean you might feel a chill as you slowly recollect the basic plot of this movie. Open Water has become the campfire story that people will end up telling kids about traveling and what terrifying things can occur to a person when their guard is not kept up.

The Arrival – review

Before he became the punch line to his own set of jokes, Charlie Sheen was considered a serious actor. What better role for a man who acts insane in his daily life than one who acts like a paranoid radio astronomer.  The 1996 style of effects are very present in The Arrival. A handful of decent practical effects along with strange blurry CG effects that have not aged well.

Radio astronomer Zane Zaminsky, played by Charlie Sheen, has just discovered a radio signal from a star 14 light years from Earth. When he brings it up to his supervisors he is promptly let go for “budget cuts.” Zane then starts a one-man crusade against NASA to get his data from the signal to the public. Unfortunately there is a conspiracy afoot involving extraterrestrials with goals of terraforming the Earth for their needs. Zane must watch his step or his life and the lives of the people he tells about the signal are in danger.

Charlie Sheen is great in this movie.  He plays paranoid well and he has the charisma to pull off a roll as strange as this. You want him to succeed in his goals because he isn’t a cocky scientist but one that just wants to have the truth revealed. Just because the main character is likeable does not mean others are. For instance, for some reason there is a little urban kid written to follow Zane around named Kiki. He is annoying and honestly nobody outside of the movie Naked Lunch should be named Kiki. Zane also has a girlfriend named Char, played by Teri Polo, who should have been named Red Herring.

The story tends to move very slowly towards the conspiracy, giving occasional glimpses of what is behind everything.  It becomes a little silly once you find out what is behind everything and you realize that it creates massive holes in logic. For example: Why would aliens that have no qualms about destroying and killing things using their technology use several boxes of scorpions to murder a woman? If aliens could terraform a planet to fit their needs, why wouldn’t they find a planet without existing life so that the move would be easier?

The scorpion scene is at least filled with tension and is well shot. In a hotel room a woman is walking about, doing her nightly routine. We, as the audience, see that there are several scorpions in the room and she is narrowly stung several times. The entire time you are wondering when the killing sting will occur.  It is very much like the build up before a scene in a Final Destination movie. The memorable moments are very few and far between. Some characters you are introduced to only to have them die soon after so they cannot be developed.

The practical effects are fine and show a lot of skills to the filmmakers. Where it gets ridiculous are the CG effects, which look cartoonish and unbelievable and have not aged well.  The Arrival has the same sort of feel as an episode of The X-Files. The alien’s ultimate goal of using green house gases to warm the planet for terraforming purposes has an obvious environmental message but is, thankfully, not super preachy about the theme.

The Arrival is not scary. If that is what you are looking for then you are in the wrong ballpark. This movie is more along the lines of a sci-fi conspiracy thriller.  It is okay and might be worth seeing as a rental or if you have nothing better on television and it happens to play. The movie is a forgettable part of the alien hype that got lost in the shuffle when Independence Day came out the same year. If I want a movie with aliens, conspiracy, and paranoia I would recommend sticking to John Carpenter’s The Thing or They Live.

The Legend of Wasco – Review

On paper The Legend of Wasco sounds like an awful idea for a movie. I’m not sure how anyone would be spooked by this movie unless they are terrified of clowns and copious amounts of balloons. This movie is a satire of horror movies yet the actors play their roles it as straight as they possibly can. The characters are interesting and the dialogue is fairly realistic given the situations. It comes down to the poor technical effects and clear lack of budget that hinder the film.

Tyler and Christy is a young engaged couple who are visited by Christy’s brother Byron. Byron and Tyler bond over beers and tell the legend of three murdering clowns that kidnapped the mayor’s daughter and raped her. After getting caught by the police they were given backwoods justice and killed, cursing the town upon their deaths. Tyler is a dancing clown for a car wash and Byron takes pictures for the Internet. The social media frenzy resurrects the fiendish killer clowns. As new bodies begin piling up it is now up to Christy, Tyler, and Byron to find a way to kill these clowns from Hell to stop them from killing more people.

For a horror movie the filmmakers seemed to pick an odd subject. Clowns to me, and to a lot of people, are simply not scary. On occasion, when the clowns are approaching some of their victims, a room will be filled with balloons as if that is supposed to be frightening. I think the movie is aware of this because at one time Byron says, “I’m just not scared yet. They are just balloons.” 

The characters are interesting and well developed. The dialogue between them seems authentic and fits the scenes appropriately. The acting is fair but nothing notable. I would imagine that these kids are the stars of their college improve team but they are a long ways away from becoming award winners of the big screen.

Where the movie falls flat is on a technical aspect. The sound has an echo in almost every room, which is very distracting. There is also the matter of the lighting- several scenes are too dark to see what is happening. Filmmakers need to know that if you are doing a scene in poor lighting you might as well have the lens cap on. Either way you can’t see anything.

The music is actually very fitting for the horror genre and sounds reminiscent of many of the John Carpenter films. There are some other scenes that seem to pay homage to other films ranging from Carnival of Souls to Back to the Future. The fight scenes and the action scenes are fairly lazy. The struggles of a girl about to die could be compared with a tired baby being hauled off to their crib. Another frustration is that kills occur off-screen and the violence is simply implied with a blood splatter.

Considering the homage scenes, some of the meta dialogue, and the use of things like a “knife forged in hell,” I cannot help but think that this is a tongue-in-cheek movie which does not take itself too seriously. With that mindset, this movie is quite enjoyable. The fact that the actors play it straight the entire time without making nods to the camera or mugging for forced laughs is commendable. If you are looking for a serious horror film this will certainly disappoint you.

As a satire on the horror genre it might be considered fairly clever. It takes three people with real “adult” problems and places them in a situation that is ridiculous and laughable. The only people that will truly be chilled by this story though, will be those audience members that cannot handle clowns. It really is a shame that the technical problems make this movie worse then it actually is. If it had a bigger budget The Legend of Wasco could have been the 2015 version of Stitches.

They Found Hell – Review

When it comes to Syfy original movies you usually have to take them with a grain of salt. Syfy original movies mostly end up in the category of “so bad it’s good” but on some level the audience has to respect the fun these movies bring on such a low budget. They Found Hell has all the feel of a low budget film with a few better qualities, which make it amusing for the casual viewer.

Several generic college students are experimenting in teleportation technology. An accident occurs which opens a dimensional portal into hell and sucks the students inside. They must face the monsters and demons of hell in an attempt to escape while their friend and professor attempt to get them back to Earth.

The makeup effects in this movie are colorful and imaginative. It is as if the producers at Syfy recruited the folks from the show Faceoff to make these hellish creatures. In addition there were also giant leech puppets that were very creepy looking and led to a very compelling and gory scene where some friends had to use an axe to remove the leeches from a companion’s stomach and then cauterize the wound. The sets have an eerie abandoned mood that makes it look as though they were filmed in the ghost town of Pripyat where the Chernobyl disaster occurred.

The acting is fair at best, ranging from high school drama student quality to the scenery chewing “I really need this to make rent.” The dialogue is clichéd and really obvious. As soon as the students get to Hell they find a sign with the Dante’s Inferno quote, “Abandon all hope all ye who enter here.” They also seem to be dabbling in mad science, which is unknown to their own professor since upon finding what they did he says “The fools. What have they done?” The students do not even keep the guise of scientists for long after entering hell and fall quickly into the roles of horror film idiots. They are not curious about their situation and they make wild assumptions.

The CG creatures are not all that great. There are winged beasts and a couple of creatures that look like they were inspired from Lovecraft’s Deep Ones. Then there are the CG dogs and plants. I am not sure why they felt the need to make CG dogs when it would have probably been cheaper to use several trained dogs for the stunt and they would look less cartoonish. The same could be said for the moving plants. Considering that The Evil Dead had a plant attack back in 1981 it says a lot that people feel the need to use computers now to animate that sort of effect.

They Found Hell does not have a terrible story. It is more like a good idea that was weakened in development. If it had a larger budget or even a few script re-writes, this movie could have been something like As Above So Below. As it is, it mostly comes off as a showcase for some neat makeup effects in a creepy situation. It would have helped a lot if the writers spent a little time on character development. I found the college students to be basically characters without personality other than what they look like. When a movie does not care to differentiate between the characters in a horror film then they basically just become meat for the grinder.

If this movie was playing on television and there was nothing to watch, I would watch it. It does a fine job of being creepy using atmosphere and not relying solely on jump scares like so many modern films do these days. While certainly not Oscar-worthy, it will at least entertain and if you are into horror makeup or elaborate horror costumes you should give it try. At the very least it will kill some time if you are looking for something that is a bit different with elements of As Above So Below.

Hell and Back – Review

Just when you thought the worst thing that Freestyle Releasing put out was God’s Not Dead, along came a fancy new contender, Hell and Back. Had I been in middle school or possibly high on drugs, this might have been a humorous movie. Sadly, the tone of the humor was lost on me and I did not feel anything more than relief at seeing the credits roll.  It is a damn shame since it involves a lot of talented individuals and the animation is lively. On paper this sounds like an entertaining project but on screen it is devoid of fun and feels like a joyless slog.

Three foul-mouthed friends, Curt, Augie, and Remy work at a failing carnival. Curt makes a blood oath with Satan and because he does not take it seriously it is broken minutes later, leaving Curt to suffer the consequences. Curt is sucked into a vortex into hell and it is up to Augie and Remy to get Curt back from the denizens of Hell. With the help of a sexy half-breed demon and a Greek hero, Augie and Remy attempt to thwart the devil and return back on Earth.

The animation is pretty solid. It should always be commendable when movies take the time to put in the work for stop motion. The voice talents are tremendous and it is as though someone picked up a Hollywood phonebook and found every comedian possible to cast in this movie for even the most trivial of parts. Unfortunately, these factors do not make a good movie.

The story is fairly predictable and offers nothing new to the viewer. The jokes are stale and would only amuse a middle school student or an immature personality. Normally I find humor in the right sex joke, fat joke, and rape joke, but these were so generic and cliché that they missed the mark. The characters are all very unlikable and do not do anything beyond their stereotypes for the sake of development. For example: Augie is the one-dimensional fat character. That is all he is and all he is known for. Most of his gags are about his weight and at no point does his character grow or learn how to cope with his issues. He is simply the fat guy and that is all he will remain. Remy on the other hand is just an unlikeable jerk that hates everyone and treats his friends like crap. He learns nothing and is rewarded for his stupidity.

Considering that the minds behind Robot Chicken are involved with this I really had higher expectations. The jokes on that show are relevant to many pop culture scenarios, which could be considered funny. Hell and Back just says as many swear words as possible in the hopes that it will shock a laugh out of you. Often resulting in silent failure. The jokes do not allow for build up and pay off but rather to throw as much fast-pitch stupidity as possible at the audience to see what sticks.

I cannot recommend this movie for a rental. The subject material is too infantile for adults and too adult for kids. Why would they add sentient trees that rape people? The only reason I can figure is that someone thought that it was a bizarre way to be edgy. That could have been a perfect time for an Evil Dead joke, instead the joke implies that the guy is asking to be raped because he was dressed “like a bush.” If the failed jokes in this movie saved lives, there would be no need for hospitals. It is not a fun movie and it certainly is not funny enough to spend time on. Save your money and save your time not watching this heartless drivel. If you want a stop motion movie with some brains and heart I recommend the 2009 Mary and Max. It might not be the trip into hell you were expecting but at least it is worth your time.

The Hateful Eight – Review

As a Quentin Tarantino fan I went into this film with high expectations. Sadly, my expectations were not met and I feel like this is Tarantino’s weakest film to date. Written from a stage reading, The Hateful Eight is a “bottle movie” that has very little of Tarantino’s usual wit and charm and seems to rely solely on the same old character tropes of his previous films while at the same time attempting to shock the audience.

Sometime after the Civil War a group of eight strangers find themselves in a cabin during a blizzard. One of them is a bounty hunter, played by Kurt Russell, with a captive female criminal, Daisy Domergue, played by Jennifer Jason Leigh. As they begin to reveal who one another are within the cabin they begin to find themselves mixed in a plot to free Daisy. Someone or some people are not who they say they are.

The Hateful Eight has artful shots of the wilderness and some great close-ups that truly make the film beautiful. The films has an amazing score that is incredibly well thought out and uses Ennio Morricone’s best abilities to capture the isolation and coldness of the scenes on screen. The look is gritty and the cold howls of the Wyoming wind on screen create chills in the audience.

The story itself is a fairly pedestrian whodunit. There are gaping holes in the logic and the anachronistic language can take a person right out of the film if not careful. The characters are all fairly unlikable save for Kurt Russell and Walton Goggins whose characters seem to have actual dimensions. The first half of the story has very little action but as soon as the second half occurs it is nearly all action and becomes little distracting.

Compared to other movies that have come out recently, this movie is certainly a renter. If you are fan of Tarantino’s earlier films you will be disappointed. When better dark Westerns such as Bone Tomahawk have come out recently then people have to bring their A-material to the table and not rely on the same stable of actors or gratuitous exploitation, like a black man forcing a white man to fellate him in the freezing cold. At what point do we ask Tarantino: “Is this all you have?” Certainly, he can do more than try to shock audiences with cheap tricks.